July 27, 2017

God has really had my back lately. Never have I lost hope in him or what he can do for me, but there have been times where I almost did. As a teenager, I am very stubborn and dislike when things don’t go my way. I have a mindset that things are always suppose to be butterflies and rainbows. I sometimes forget that it’s normal to have rainy day. It’s good for the crops and it’s good for your soul. Let it rain, wether it’s in the sky or your eyes. Let your emotions take over every now and then, obviously nothing that can harm you, but cry. Take a fresh breath of air, eat chocolate and cry. It’s good for you, I promise.

I DROVE ON THE FREWAY ALONE AND I DIDN’T GET ANXIETY. I WAS FROM IT. I DIDN’T GET DIZZY, WHICH IS ONE OF MY BIGGEST SYMPTOMS WHEN I AM DRIVING AND AM NEAR AN ANXIETY ATTACK. YUP, I DID IT. Okay, let me explain. So on Monday, I had a photoshoot out in Yolo., specifically Metzger’s Zinnia Patch. I normally have my boyfriend come with me to my photoshoots but that day he was working, so I knew I had to do it alone. I kept telling myself that the worst has already happened to me and that was having to come home during college. Nothing will ever be able to compare to that. I put on some music, jammed out and before I knew it I was on the freeway. I did that. Obviously, if you’ve been to the flower field, you know it’s less than a 15 minute drive, but I did it. If you read some of my older blog posts you’d know that I was unable to go to the grocery store without having an anxiety attack. God, thank you so much for this small milestone.

Here are some pictures that I took:

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Another thing that I want to share with y’all is, my brother left to Santa Barbara with my sister for the week. On Monday I had a minor anxiety attack because I was going to be home alone. I got out of bed at around 9ish and I was okay but still over the edge. I felt a little stressed out because of my anxiety attack and how I was going to have to drive on the freeway to the photoshoot. At around 10am, my mother came home. Apparently, something happened at work and everyone got sent home. That’s not all of it. She doesn’t have work all week due to this incident. God, is really on my side. I think this is a sign and I am not exactly sure what the sign is. A part of me feels like he is trying to tell me that this is the medication for me. To put a little more faith and positivity into my medicine and to stop doubting it. It’s like he made it so my mom would be here during the week where my medication is beginning to take effect. I could just be crazy and it could just be that my mom was just sent home early. But a little faith never hurt anybody.

With the new medication I am on, I feel really good. I want to come off of it by the end of the year, though. Until then, I am going to fight everyday until I am able to live a day with no anxiety medication again. I know I can do this. I saw a post the other day on Facebook, “If God brings you to it he will get you through it.” This quote accurately represents what he is doing for me. Getting me through it. Although, I still have a lot of questions as to why he chose me to go through everything that I am going through, I will accept the plans he has for me.

I released new shirt designs today!! Check them out on my instagram: @LatinaShadows! I love how my model, boyfriends sister, came out in these photos. The camera loves her. Here are just a few pictures that I took of my new tops!

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Anyways I hope you are all having a magnificent week and thank God it’s Friday tomorrow. Remember that if you had a bad day, that’s all it is… a bad day. Don’t let that define your future.

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

– Corinthians 10:13

July 21, 2017

I haven’t written in such a long time. A lot has happened since the last time I posted a daily entry. I can try to write about it, but I think I need to stop looking back.

My boyfriends little sister came over and helped me put up the photo backdrop for my dads party. We practically spent all day doing that, especially since we kept taking breaks to swim. I also sold one of my blog logo shirts, (Buy Here) to a beautiful soul who reads my blog. If you are reading this now, I want to say thank you so much for taking time out of your day to read about my hectic life. I hope to read some of your writing one day, but until then keep writing in your notebook. Remember to find peace for yourself in whatever makes you happy.

It’s absolutely crazy how it was a good day but my mental illness makes it be a bad day. I’m not okay, but I am. When I am alone that’s when I realize how badly I am in a dark place, but when I am with people I love or doing what I love, I am okay. Make sense? Probably not. Well I woke up this morning and I had fear from my toes to my head. Fear? Yes fear. I was scared of the fact that I was alone and I got anxiety. Before today, I had been 12 days clean of anxiety. I guess you can call it a slip? Haha. I stopped taking my anxiety medication, which I know you’re not supposed to do. I went from taking them every day to taking them every other day to just dropping them. I know that there is a specific way that doctors have you come off depressants, but I feel that if I fight hard enough, I can do it my way. I am very stubborn, as you can see. Today has been a difficult day due to not being on my medication. If you’ve been reading my blog entries you know that I felt as if my medication were never working for me because I would get anxiety even on my medication. The whole reason as to why I wanted to come was because the days that I wouldn’t take them, I felt great. Unfortunately, now I feel as if my medication was potentially lifting about 40% of my anxiety off of my shoulders. On Tuesday I got prescribed 2 new medications, but my stubborn old self refuses to take them. I feel that I can do this. 4 years ago I overcame my depression of 5 years. That Tuesday I found out that I have depression and it’s pretty severe. They also checked my anemia and it’s still there. I have a Behavioral appointment in August where I will be asked questions about my life and from there I will be assigned a therapist. I need this. I am afraid because I am going to have to be stronger than ever and right now I feel as if I am at my weakest. I am fighting for my life, because there has been many days were I just want to give up. I want to get better for myself. I deserve to be my old self again. I deserve to go to college. I deserve happiness. I was given Sertraline (25mg per tablet) to replace my Citalopram (10mg per tablet). I was also given Hydroxyzine HCL (25mg per tablet) to replace my ONE emergency pill of Lorazepam. The Hydroxyzine HCL is only to be taken if needed, as in case of an emergency. Specifically for my nightly panic attacks. I haven’t taken any of them, because I want to be normal. The other day I rushed into Walmart and I was at self-checkout and I pulled my bag from the shopping cart and guess what happened y’all? Did you guess? All 7 containers of my pills fell out of my bag. I probably looked crazy to those who were behind my in line. I am 19 years old but to them I look about 10, yet here I am carrying 2 packs of birth control, Sertraline, Lorazepam, Hydroxyzine, Ibuprofin, and Citalopram. Up until I was in 10th grade, I was against pills. I always told my parents and siblings that one day they are going to make a commercial saying “If you or a young one ever took Advil you are at risk of…”. I never took no pills. Now look at me, a medication addict.

I was writing all of that and I decided to take a break and step outside. I took my pills with me, the Sertraline. I sat next to my mom under the gazebo and I talked to her. We did a small prayer and I took 25mg of my medication. From the beginning my doctor told me that with anxiety medication, it is basically trial and error. Some medication will do nothing to your body and others will make cloudy days, sunny. I hope this medication makes rainbows with leprechauns at the end of each one. I just want a miracle and it’s mostly because I want my education. God, I miss sitting in a classroom. My medication will more than likely be put into effect within a couple of days, so now it’s just waiting.

God knows why he is putting this into my path and I am putting all of my trust and faith into him. My life is in his hands along with my future, so all I can do now is pray for a positive outcome. At the end of the day I don’t mind any of this, as long as I know that my writing/advice is doing someone justice.

I keep repeating one thing to myself and that is todays quote…

 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

– Phillippians 4:13

July 12, 2017

Todays blog isn’t going to be about today. Today was basically another day of cleaning and what not. I haven’t been posting lately because I feel like I am so busy with other miscellaneous things. Nonetheless, I am back and I am here to stay.

I’ve been playing around with my anxiety medication due to the fact that my refill is over and I only have 2 weeks of pills left. I have decided to take one every other day, and I have had amazing results. On the days that I decide not to take my anxiety pills I feel amazing, almost normal. This past weekend my friend invited me to an event in Sacramento and I felt capable of going. Normally I freak out over night and I feel like I can’t breathe, but it was different that day that I had chosen not to take my anxiety medication. A part of me has always known that these medications weren’t the best for me but I have continued to take them, because it’s what the doctors and my mother believed was working for me.

I love my boyfriend so much. There are days were I sometimes feel like I am ruining my boyfriends life but he is always reminding me of how much he loves me. I am so grateful that God put him in my path. He will forever be that boy with the saxophone and I will forever be the girl with the white clarinet. Which by the way, I came across the other day and I really wanted to try and play it but I don’t have any reeds. Maybe that was a good thing..

Well as of today there are only 10 days left until my dads birthday party which will be cracking. We will be having a taquero, a shaved ice machine, the elote lady will be making esquitos, and so much other fun things. The best of it is my sister will be in town, which means my family will be united. I will make sure to catch my dads reaction, because it’s going to be priceless. He deserves this and so much more. I love my dad so much even though he has those days that drive me crazy.

I made a bunch of new tops that you can see below. One of them includes, “Save The Bees”, “She is Strong – Proverbs 31:25 ” (my favorite bible verse), “Latina Power”, “Grl Pwr”, “The Future is Female”, and “Como La Flor”. Within of only having them up on my shop I have sold 2 of “Como La Flor” and let me tell you how much I cried. The shirts are only $10 so if you want to check it out click here: Etsy. I am so proud of my work and I will also be sending these out to some of my close friends, which I hope they love as well!

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I feel good. Life is good and I’ve been having fun with my smile. God, I have enough on my shoulders but if you want to throw something at me, mommas ready to fight it. Haha, no but seriously, please give me a break. At least to catch my breath.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

– Isaiah 41:10

July 7, 2017

I just experience one of those, “once it’s on the internet it’s for everyone to see.” My body got stone cold when I came across someone who wasn’t so happy about blog. It is so weird to think that someone who is greater than me, is taking the time to read my blog. It is quite shocking and I really don’t like this feeling. I don’t know if I want to continue to write. This was a weird experience for me, especially because this women was very concerned for me. I am weirded out and I feel as if my privacy is being invaded, even though I am well aware that my blogs are public. This is quite a weird feeling. She could be reading this blog or not and I don’t like this feeling.

All of my senior year I was told, “write in a journal and track your college days.” I’m really big on writing and I decided to start doing daily entries on my blog. So I don’t really understand why I am now being told the complete opposite.

Everyone always says, “I don’t care what people think about me” or in more inappropriate words, “I don’t give a fuck.” But not me. I care. I give a “fuck”. If you tell me i’m ugly, i’m going to make you think I don’t care but I will probably go home and cry. My boyfriend has been telling me “who cares what people think,” but like I care. I am very sensitive, which is one of my biggest weaknesses. I care about everything. I was taught to care. Peoples opinions about me move into my brain and never leave. I still remember this time when my elementary school best friend, Kimberly, came up to me during recess in 6th grade while I was drinking out of the water fountain with my new best friend, “Irma, you got big.” I weighed 110 pounds in 6th grade while every other girl weighed 90 pounds. I just remember walking to my dot in the line and having my new best friend ask me, “What did she mean by your big?” And I told her, “oh it’s just an inside joke.” I didn’t eat that day.

Having someone who holds greater power than me and is potentially better than me tell me to take down my blog, really hurts. This happened on July 1st and I have avoided writing. I told myself, “well this is the end of Latina Shadows.” Yet here I am. Not sure why. A part of me knows that by continuing to write I am defending myself. Many people have journals and diaries, and I just happen to make mine public. If it makes you uncomfortable that a 19 year old girl is saying, “I feel suicidal,” then maybe you should get off the internet. And or potentially out of peoples lifes’. It is a feeling. It is a feeling that is allowed to be felt. It is a feeling that others cause. If anything, you are adding on to this feeling.

Anyways, I’ll stop my rant because I feel myself getting quite mad. I found out that my anemia is back and stronger than ever. Let me just tell you that anxiety and anemia are not a good mix. I have no energy at all. I wake up every morning and walk my dog for 30 minutes (1+ mile) , drink plenty of water, eat veggies and fruits, but I feel tired all the time. Walking from my front door to my car drains my energy so much, it’s ridiculous.

I was invited to 2 events tomorrow and with just my luck they are not in town. I found myself crying after reading my first invitation at 10:32am and shortly after reading the second one I got very angry. A part of me was mad at God and another part was mad at myself. How is it that I went from driving to San Francisco ALONE to not being able to drive 20 minutes away from my house? Why did God do this to me? How is it that I am not strong enough to overcome anxiety? How come my stupid pills aren’t working? Which by the way my refill is over so in about 2 weeks, I will either be confronted with a full force of anxiety and/or feel completely normal. But that’s not the point, I look at my hands and I can feel the tension of my anxiety building up. I am afraid. I went to San Francisco with my brother and boyfriend last weekend and it was the worst. I came home and threw up 3 times because I was afraid. I am traumatized. When my boyfriend was driving on the bay bridge we past the exist University Ave and I felt flashbacks pouring in. I will never understand how or why this happened to me. I feel trapped. I can’t escape. It hurts because I am pushing people away. There are only so little people that are willing to continue to be there for me and I am ignoring them. I don’t know how to explain to them that I can’t. I am so sorry to these beautiful young souls for being pushed away by me. I love you both but I don’t have the courage to reply to you. My chest feels so tight with the thought of saying no to an opportunity of not having to be locked up in my house everyday. I know they mean nothing but the best, and God knows I mean no harm. I am so horrible and I have just had it with this feeling.

On to some not so negative news, I made a new design for my shirts. I am beyond excited to start selling them on my Etsy as soon as I get pictures of my in them. I never really realized how much I enjoy creating until I started this little business. I will be sending some of my original designs to my friends and I really hope they enjoy. Until then, we wait!

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

– Isaiah 41:10

Let Down…

It is 12:11am and I feel like I have let down my family. Specifically speaking, my sister and dad. My head hurts so badly and I feel like I am going to throw up from how disappointed and let down I feel.

My dad works so hard, 3am to 5pm everyday, to give his children everything so that they can get an education. Which is why I feel that I have let him down. He is constantly asking me about school. “Where are you going to go study now that you aren’t at San Francisco State?”, (in Spanish obviously) or, ” Do you even want to study anymore?” These questions hurt me so much. I love school. I always have, it’s been in my life for practically all of it. It has never let me down. I love being a student. I love to learn. Unfortunately my anxiety has taken over my brain and my body and i’m still trying to figure out how to get it back. But it hurts me so much when I hear my dad talk about my brothers and I on the phone. He describes my sister as an educated business women with a college degree who lives in Santa Barbara. He describes my brother as an athlete that runs really fast and who has his wall covered in medals. He describes me… oh wait he doesn’t. He tells them about the past 2 incidents where he had to take me to the hospital due to my anxiety and how I had to come home from college. Thanks dad.

As for my sister, she doesn’t have to say these exact words but I know that she no longer supports me or for that matter respects me. I am in recovery mode and I find myself with so much time on my hands. I don’t have friends because frankly I push people away. I don’t want to hurt anyone or put them in an awkward situation where I am having a panic attack. So with my spare time I like to sell stuff on etsy, write blogs, join affiliate programs, get my followers on social media to increase to be a social influenster, do photoshoots, and other small things. If you notice all of these activities can be done in the comfort of my bedroom and/or my home for that matter. My safe spot. I feel good here. I don’t have to worry about getting an anxiety attack and having people watch me cry as my hands cramp up. So to my sister, I am sorry that I can’t just get on a plane and go to Cabo with you. I am sorry that I can’t just have mom and dad drop me off in Santa Barbara with you. I am sorry that I had to stop going to college. I am sorry that I am not your ideal sister. I am sorry that I have so much shit wrong with me. I am sorry that you can no longer make inside jokes about Community College because I have to go there now. I am sorry I have disappointed you. It is quite clear to me now that we no longer have that small bond that we used to share.

I really needed to express this feeling because it is eating away at my brain. The disappointed. The remorse. The hate. The let down. I hope that I can eventually regain your support back, because I am trying so hard. You don’t understand. This is a living hell for me.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
– Corinthians 1 3:4-7

January 29, 2017

I feel the weight of my problems pressing down on my shoulders so much today. I hate saying this word to describe my emotions, but why lie? This is practically my journal that keeps me sane. My thoughts are free here. I’ve been suicidal. I know that I won’t do anything because of my immense fear of death, so don’t worry, like you even are though. I have so many problems but I am choosing not to focus on them. Why? Because it allows me to be a little sane. My memory is fading and my digestive system is shit. I hate taking pills, someone please help.

I owe so much money and I don’t have a job. I’m barely getting by with what I make off my little Etsy shop. Nonetheless, this will be the only time I complain about money in this particular way. I have a younger brother who is always needing money, so wether I have $5, $10, or $20 in my wallet, it’s all his. I don’t ever hesitate on giving him money, because I was once in his shoes. I never complain about not having money, never. When I do, it’s because all of my problems are building up. Like now. I was dropped from 3 courses this past semester from SFSU, one of them was without my authorization. Which means that to financial aid I was considered a “part time student” instead of a “full-time student”. I was charged all of my loans and grants. Plus I am trying to pay off my credit card, $967, because living in San Francisco beat the crap out of my wallet. Specifically my $800 rent. I was given $700 of grants and I took out a loan of $1,500 from the school the first semester. The second semester I was given $4,000 of grants and I took out a loan of $1,500 the second semester. I had a job in the city on Tuesday-Friday the first semester and Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday the second semester. It paid $13.25 an hour, and I worked for 4 hours 4 days a week. I paid August 2016 thru March 2017 rent, $800, which doesn’t count the utilities or the security deposit. If you the math that’s a little over $6,400. Plus I commuted to school and work with my own car so I had to pay for gas, which is very pricey in SF. Plus, I bought groceries on the daily because ants would get into my food on the daily basis. I stopped working in December due to my health and that’s when the hospital bills started rolling in. As well as the long drives from San Francisco to my hometown were starting to become a weekly thing. Honestly, I don’t know how I am paying monthly payments of $100+. But I am, and I thank God for allowing me to do so without having to ask my parents for a single dime. The thought of having to figure out how the hell I am going to make this months payments with $9 in my bank account scares me so much. I wish I could get a job. I wish my anxiety would stop getting the best of me.

I’ve been feeling really low about my existence lately. I’m constantly finding myself in situations where I am sitting outside staring off into space thinking, “what are you still doing here.” I have given my all into the slightest bit of hope that I have. I don’t know if being here has a point or meaning. My days are getting shorter, and my smile is slowly fading. I find myself forcing to smile, but what’s the point?

I started a new diet to try and loose some stomach fat and to help boost my energy. But I found that it has only made me more depressed. Theres nobody standing at the finish line, waiting to congratulate me, or standing on the sidelines cheering me on. It’s so hard to find the slightest bit of motivation, I don’t really know what it is that I am doing. Am I starving myself? Am I eating healthy? Am I binging? What is it?

So many questions in my head and so many wrong answers. I’m pushing through and not giving up, which is why I am still here. Theres days, like today, where I feel like giving up. Just hold my breath and stop this twitch. My life has been on repeat. Wake up. Go outside for 6 minutes. Clean. Netflix. Clean. Room. Sleep. Everyday. Why? Because my anxiety won’t let me do anything else. Please trust me when I say I am trying. The other day I drove to the opposite side of town and sat in the Costco parking lot. I let my anxiety attack, attack my brain, because that’s all it does and that’s all it knows to do. Unfortunately, it didn’t give up, so I did. When I had tears rolling down my eyes I quickly drove home and prayed. Why is it that I am going through this? What did I do to deserve this? But then I also ask myself. Well, why not me? This can and WILL make you stronger, Irma. Breathe, rub your nose, and let go. You’re fine. Stop being so negative. There are so many things to be positive about in life. Just let go.

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

– Hebrews 13:5