I am really afraid of myself right now. The girl that is looking back in that mirror… I don’t know her. I don’t want to know her. I don’t want to accept the fact that, that girl is me. My mental health has deteriorated and so has my want to live. I am nothing but another problem taking up room in this overpopulated planet. I’m not suicidal, so please do not tell me I am. I simply do not want to be in this body or this life.
None of this will make sense unless I explain myself.
I unlocked my phone and clicked on the Notes app to write:
The amount of craving for suicide has filled every ounce of my body like my car gets filled at a gas station. I am ready to disappear into the silence of the night. I am ready for their to no longer be a piece of me known. I am ready to not exist anymore.
I came home and went directly into the bathroom. Showering has this impact on my emotions and it is a location where I can just let everything that I am feeling go. I turned on the shower and the bathroom suddenly became a Sauna. I unclothed myself and felt nothing but a cold breeze along my body. I lost it. The tears began to camoflauge into the water running down my face. I collapsed. Full force. I grabbed my knees and comforted myself. “This too shall pass, Irma”… “God please give me strength”… I repeated these phrases to myself hoping for a miracle or two.
I didn’t end my life but I ended my 822 self-harm streak. I watched as the blood dripped down the drain and how there was no going back after today. The thoughts and anger I felt at myself was at its all time high. It was its own person. I think about it now that I am a lot more calmer and I ask myself why I did it. Was that necessary? After hiding it from my therapist for the past 10 sessions, I am going to have to confess this hidden feeling to her. I am afraid that she will not understand or hear me out. Am I a freak for feeling like this? Is this why I have no friends? Is this why I lost a tooth yesterday morning? What is happening to me…
I sit here on my bed writing this post wondering how life could’ve been without my mental health problems. I trace the cuts on my thigh and think, how is it that i’ve grown in age but decreased in strength?
I stopped taking my anxiety medication. Three days without taking my daily dose of 50mg of Sertraline. I am suppose to be on my second bottle and I still have about 1-2 weeks left of medication from my first bottle. I can’t find myself to take them. I don’t want to take medication anymore. I skip 1-3 days and depression/suicide attack me at full force. It’s funny because before I started taking my anxiety medication I would hear/read that people would kill themselves if they stopped taking it and I would never believe it. How could skipping a dosage make you suicidal? Now I say, how can skipping a dosage NOT make you feel like this? It’s like my body is telling me, “give me my daily dose or i’ll attack your brain.” I wish I could explain my emotions in a better way, rather than saying “suicidal”. I am not suicidal, I just don’t want to feel this anymore. I don’t want to have anxiety or depression anymore. I want to be normal or whatever it is that can get me through a day of being okay.
I should explain myself now.
I went out to eat with my boyfriend, his sister, and my brother. Steves Pizza, my treat. Afterwards we headed to Open Rice Kitchen to get boba, my treat. Had less tan $100 in my bank account and had to pay a $62 pill before 12am, but I also wanted to have fun. I chose them. I chose a moment of happiness over a moment of stress. I wasn’t planning on purchasing any boba, because I was still full from the pizza. I got one, because I knew my boyfriend was going to want some. He hasn’t been working lately, so I know he doesn’t like to trouble me with paying for his stuff. Here’s the thing, I got his back financially and emotionally. I got one for myself to later give to him. When my brother bought the drinks over to us, I wanted to record myself opening the boba. The past 2 times that I have came to this restaurant, I have noticed that it is quite difficult to open the drink. The lid is on their tight so stabbing the straw through is not easy. I decided to do it at full force and just get it over with at once. That was my mistake.
The drink exploded everywhere. Well not everywhere. It all spilled on my boyfriend and I saw the anger overflow his body. I didn’t know what to do but laugh because everyone turned to look at us. Everyone turned to judge me for doing that. He turned to me and very loudly said, “are you serious” and walked out. My brother, his sister, and I were laughing to try and make it seem okay. I didn’t want to laugh anymore. It wasn’t funny. I was never even funny. I couldn’t stop. I was embarrassed, everyone was staring at us. I felt my anxiety slap me across the face. What do I do? Do I get up and walk out? Do I sit there and pretend nothing happened? Why do I do this? Why can I never do anything right? He walked back in a couple of minutes later and he stood their with his fists clenched together. He was angry. Over 4 years of dating him and I know that when he clenches his fists, it means it’s time one of us goes home and gets out of the other persons face. I got up and so did my brother and my boyfriends sister. We started walking to my car. I wanted to take a photo with all the lights but we were seemingly walking away from them at a fast pace. How do I ask for a photo if everyones mad at me? When we got near the car I asked his sister to take a photo of us.
A night turned from this:
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To complete silence. It angered me so I began to show my emotions through my driving. I know I shouldn’t have and I regret it. I truly did. If it weren’t for them in the car, I would’ve done a lot worse. Now my brother is angry at me for embarrassing him with my depression and refuses to talk to me. On top of that my father hasn’t spoken to me, because I have been ignoring him. He got drunk the other day and while we were waiting for the churros to be ready he decided to tell me how he felt about my boyfriend. Not only that but he called me words that as his daughter or simply as a human being should never be told. I have put up with a lot but I wasn’t going to let him sit there and speak out of his ass.
I regret this whole day. I regret thinking it was okay for me to take my emotions and anger out on my body. I try to look on the bright side of every situation and after this situation I am ready to talk to my therapist. I have been so afraid to look this women in the face and tell her how I truly feel. She always asks me how I am doing and how the past couple of days have been but a part of me is never truthful. I don’t ever go out and I have nobody to call when my boyfriend and mother are working. I am screwed without those two people. I am a lonely person. I am barely getting by but I am fighting. I know that sometimes my blog posts show nothing by negativity and downhills at times, but shit it’s like trying to climb Mount Everest with 12 inch heels blind. I am learning my weaknesses and my strengths as I go through my days. I guess I should know myself better by now but I don’t. I still cry myself to sleep and get anxiety attacks at fast food drive thru’s. But I guess I am missing the big picture, just like my therapist says. The fact that I am managing to go through every anxiety attack and trying is something to give myself a lot more credit about than what I do.
Irma, I love you. I know that right now you are going through something so ugly. Something that you wouldn’t even wish on your worse enemy. It’s even uglier that you manage to do it by yourself. I don’t think you give your battles enough credit. You wake up every Monday and go to therapy. You get out of bed and you talk to a complete stranger abut your feelings. You are dealing with your feelings now rather than later. You go girl.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Call 1-800-273-8255 (Available 24 hours everyday)
…so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it
– Isaiah 55:11