I feel a lot of anger and anxiety in me. Time is coming to an end and I have nothing to look back on. Not the memories of laughter with friends or the experiences. I have closed eye lids and drool on my arm. That isn’t going to do anything for me. I’ve seemingly managed to make myself into nothing.
Assumptions and thoughts that people think of me have really driven me to my all time low. Who I was a year or two ago, is not me anymore. I’ve seen less of the world and no personality anymore. Don’t assume I don’t care because God knows I put more time and energy into others than I do for myself. I love people with all my heart and try to do everything I can to make sure they are happy. I am a sensitive person who still cries when Carl (from the movie up) loses his wife, Ellie. Don’t bring up an old name of my past only to assume I hate them, because for all I know they could save my life in the future. I am in no place to judge anyone based on their past or presents.
This past week, I have felt nothing but attacked. I am a very isolated person who keeps a lot to herself. I have social media and that’s the only way that I open up and it’s crazy that some people determine my personality by a photo, a blog post, a tweet, etc. That isn’t me. I don’t like conflict. I dislike the feeling I get in my conscious when I think that people hate me. I don’t like it. I do everything in my power to be okay with everyone, because I don’t know what goes on behind a screen/ at home. I am not a mean person and for people to think so low of me really hurts. One of the worst feelings I have felt in a while is reading tweets from a girl trying to bring me down. You could be reading this right now and it really hurts that you didn’t take down your tweets when you knew that my tweet had nothing to do with you. It hurts a lot. I was having issues with one of my friends who was modeling for my clothes and somehow I managed to start issues with someone you. It really sucks. I respect you so much as the strong female that you are. I have been reading your blog and I pray for you. Nobody deserves to have their mental health deteriorated. Nobody. After private messaging you and clearing stuff up, I thought everything was okay. The feeling of having set you off has been bothering me every minute of the day. A part of me feels like you hate me and it just really hurts. We aren’t that close of friends and I am not really sure why I am hurting, but I am. I was at Starbucks today with my boyfriend and I opened up my Twitter and I saw your tweets on my “what you missed” section… again. You hadn’t deleted it. It could only mean you think so low of me. I’ve been repeating myself so much, but it sucks. The other day a sorority from sfsu harassed me for talking about their interest group on my blog.. “Late night rituals around candles at 3am, long emotional talks with strangers, and talking about my unknown future with sorority girls.” L***** from this sorority messaged me to let me know that if I didn’t take down this post then she was going to report me to some council and take legal action. She claimed I had signed a contract but I never did and I know I didn’t because I never gave back the binder that had that very contract in it. It was never signed because I knew that I wasn’t going to be proceeding. The feeling of someone approaching me with “I love reading your blog” to “take it down” had me take a couple of step backs. This past week has been a complete mess. I am very open with my mother and I tell her almost everything. If someone is more hurt, it is probably her. This past month I have been harassed by 2 women from a company and a girl from a sorority. I take a lot of stuff in and I don’t ever defend myself the way that I should. I am very afraid of confrontation. During these three incidents of being harassed I had major anxiety attacks. Having to accept being vulnerable and afraid in a situation where the other person will gain nothing but power and confidence builds anxiety.
Suicidal. Afraid to not be accepted. Anxiety. Loneliness. Fear of Failure.
Just some of the things that lead me to forcing myself to sleep all day. I tell myself that maybe if I take 4-5 hour naps a day I can get through the day faster and I can avoid feeling like this. The thing is, you can’t sleep your life away. You eventually begin to get tired of being tired. You begin to realize that you are no longer yourself. You are nothing but sleep.
I pray to God today: for the girls in that sorority, the girl from Twitter and for her to strength to beat her depression, for my grandpa to live through another day, for my mother and father, for my brothers education and motivation, for my sisters safety, for my boyfriend to pass his math test, for my dog Muffy to be doing okay up there in heaven… I pray for you.
For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
– Jeremiah 29:11
I’ve gone about two days without taking my anxiety medication in hopes of my body not adapting to the lifestyle of being on medication. Those two days have been good until 3 hours ago. I am completely dizzy and before I got a higher dosage, my 25mg wouldn’t make me dizzy unless I went over 5 days of not taking the medication. It has been two days. It didn’t occur to me that it was because the medication was stronger until now, but I just took a dose so hopefully my anxiety settles down.
This past week I have been taking a lot of photos. I’ve had eight photoshoots this week and I am enjoying the practice. I’ve been editing a lot more different than what I am used to and I have received a lot of positive feedback. Honestly, I have been trying to recreate a lot of photos I have been seeing from famous photographers as well as using the same editing techniques. I stepped out of my comfort zone and started editing in a way that I love. And that’s the truth, I LOVE it.
My boyfriend took me out to Applebee’s today and I don’t think I can put into words how I felt. He is such a heart-warming boy who has nothing but nice things to say to me. I appreciate him so much and everything he does for me and this relationship. I really needed reassurance about us today and he gave it to me. At around 9pm he messaged me and invited me out where he continuously made me laugh. Four years and nine months together and the amount of love I have for this boy has yet to fade. God has blessed me with a sweetheart.
This blog post is fairly short, but I want to start consistently writing again. I’m going to try and make it into a daily thing, because I love looking back at my daily entries and seeing where I was a year from now. Sometimes I see growth and sometimes I don’t, but that’s okay. Life hasn’t been the best for me due to constant trips to the emergency room, trial and error with anxiety pills, therapy, self-harm, putting my dog down, suicidal thoughts, my school situation, and other issues that I can’t think about. It has been very difficult to think about a future where I won’t feel like this anymore such as the anxiety that fills my body when I hear my mother leave in the morning. My therapist used a hill to compare my anxiety which I thought was a great example because I did Cross Country and I hated running on hills. Well she said that the night at the gas station was the low and everything else is simply the pain that comes with running up that hill. Sometimes you stop and you need rest because it becomes to much. Resting is good. Take care of your mental health. Recovery doesn’t happen over night, but rather over time. Don’t think about tomorrow or the day that you will be okay. Think about now and how you can make today your best. As you can see, I’ve really been loving therapy.
Do to others as you would have them do to you.
– Luke 6:31
Rain. I had an episode today at 3am due to the sound of rain waking me up. I was all of a sudden at that gas station… vulnerable… afraid… alone. I ran into my parents room crying and then ran back onto the couch. I needed to take my emergency anxiety pills. 25mg of Hydroxyzine, was going to make me feel better. I needed it. I was prescribed this medication back in July and I haven’t once token. I needed it. I was afraid. I asked my mother to bring it to me because I was unable to move once I made it back to the couch. She insisted on getting through it on my own. I listened. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7… Hold… 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Breathing exercise have been really working miracles, unfortunately not today. I closed my eyes and I was in the brown/white dirty bathroom of that gas station talking to the 911 Operator. The sound of the rain became louder and so did my thoughts.
Saturday nights have become the day of the week that I try to run away from the most. I really have no life. I do nothing but breathe and try to get by. I let my fear be stronger than my will to defeat anxiety. The overly comfortable couch that is shaped like a U has become my safe spot. The couch that is found in my living room. I have been spending a lot of time on this couch watching tv, editing photos, doing homework, overthinking, crying, paying bills, having anxiety attacks, etc. I have become attached to this couch.
Over the past couple of weeks I have been shoving my feelings away. I’ve been needing to talk to my older sister about transferring to Woodland Community College. I care so much about her opinion on me. She is who I aspire to be. I respect her so much and I want to know what she thinks about me transferring. I have been placed on probation due to my gpa at SFSU and I cannot register for courses, which means I am going to have to transfer. I need a plan. Plans make me function. Plans relieve my anxiety. I need a plan. I don’t know what is going on with that part of my life right now.
Half the time I have anxiety and the other half I am thinking about how I am going to get through my next anxiety attack. My mind is so into what I am going to do tomorrow that I don’t even pay attention to what is right in front of me. I am so hopeless.
I feel like giving up on everything.
Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong.
– Corinthians 16:13
Normally at 1am I like to go on amazon and contemplate making a purchase of $300 or more. This is like an everyday thing, I am not even kidding you. I never hit the checkout button, because I am not truly myself at night. I know this because when people make plans with me after 8pm, Irma is no longer talking but rather my adrenaline. I’ve noticed that with my medication, I’ll be anxious all day but once the darkness hits the horizon this sudden flush of wanting to do things that I would normally be against, comes over me.
Now, I know what future me is thinking… why haven’t you written a blog post in almost 2 weeks?! Great question, future me. The thing is that you already know the answer. I have been a huge mess. I’ve come to realize that I have made a mess out of this blog that I am no longer that proud of. I come on here and sort of let everything out without trying to stay true to myself. The truth is, I have been suicidal and I can’t do anything that most people can. Drive to Mcdonalds to get fast food? Hell no. That means being in line where a car will pull up behind me and block my car into the drive thru. Pull up to a stop light? Hell no. Same with the fast food situation, car next to me and car behind me, what if I have a panic attack? How do I get out of this intersection? You get the point. As for me being suicidal that’s is a very personal feeling that I haven’t shared with anyone. I broadly talk about it on here, but it’s more than just a feeling for me. The thing is, I am afraid of death and have low tolerance to pain so I would never commit suicide, but the feeling is still there. This is a huge issue I have that I wish I could tell my therapist, but after being read the rules I don’t feel comfortable doing so. I am getting all over the place like I just said..
Over these past couple of weeks of not writing I have been writing. Oh, Irma.. not making sense yet again. Well, what I mean is that I’ve been writing about a lot of things but I haven’t been posting about it. I have so many topics and experiences I want to share, but I tend to take a step back and bring myself down. Does anybody read my blogs? I try to be consistent, but I don’t even know if anyone stays interested in my content. I check my statistics on which blog posts get looked at and what not, but I feel as if that’s just me. Do you ever stalk yourself? I do. At night I’ll go through my Instagram, Blog, twitter, Facebook, Youtube, etc. I find myself to be interesting, haha. Once again, I am off topic.
I’ve been working so hard on keeping myself grounded but I am not going to lie, it has been a rough journey. Etsy shop, last week I had about 15 orders with about 25 sales. Photography business, I have been doing so good. The only problem with this is I’ve been doubting myself so much and I’ve been dealing with people dropping sessions at the last minute. So on. School, well I love it. I am still doing online courses but as for accepting myself doing this… I’ve been doing very good. I have been thinking a lot about going back next semester. Not completely but as in, commuting from my hometown to San Francisco. I think I am going to try at least one in class session a week. Friends, I still don’t have any. I get this weird feeling as the week gets closer to Friday and Saturday, because those are the days were I get emotional break downs due to the fact that I stay home… all day. I feel like lately I’ve been getting used a lot and I don’t know how to explain it. The overall picture of trying to be a better me is there, it’s just trying to get it down on paper where I am having trouble. Since the day I stopped writing, I have been in the worst situation, mentally, that I have been in since February-March. I think that realistically that is the reason why I have refused myself from writing on my blog. I haven’t been myself lately. I think that I sort of want to close everything around me and just work on myself. On some days I feel so happy, but when I look back I realize that I was just putting up a show.
I will end the blog here. Hopefully I will have the a good mindset to post one of the entries in my drafts. Goodnight, everyone.
Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!
– Dr. Seus
I hope everyone had a good Friday and has a great weekend. I am on a roll with these blog entries and I am so proud. I have been receiving so much love and my gratitude is without words. Thank you for reading.
In yesterdays blog post I forgot to mention something so important and it’s weird because I cope with deaths differently. I avoid feeling at all cost. When my grandma past away a couple of years ago it didn’t start to affect me into last year. I don’t like thinking about not having people that I love not with me anymore. I try and push it away from me. Yesterday my great aunt died and I don’t remember her a whole lot because the last time I went to Mexico was when I was in 5th grade and that was like in December of 2007. At around 9am my mother woke me up and told me to look for plane tickets to Mexico because she wanted to attend the funeral. Before I say anything else, I want to mention something that is absolutely crazy. Well two things. The first isn’t all that crazy but I should mention it. So I have an Etsy shop and I have gotten really into making embroidery patches. My mother was going to go to Mexico on September 28 through October 1st to get me supplies and shirts because they are cheaper over there. The plane tickets were a little over $200. We were set and I was going to purchase my moms plane ticket, but it somehow didn’t come up again. It’s crazy because if we would’ve booked her plane ticket she would’ve had the opportunity to see her aunt. Better yet, she probably wouldn’t have passed away. The next thing is something that happens a lot in my family. The day that my great aunt died she had a dream that her husband told her he was coming for her and to get ready. She woke up and told her kids. They all laughed and carried on with their day. Later that day, one of her family members paid her a visit and he told her that looked different. Her eyes were beginning to turn a bit grayish and that her lips were getting purple. My great aunt told him he was crazy and once again brushed it off. She then went out to the store and that’s when it happened. She was hit by a car and passed away. It’s weird because my cousin also got hit by a car, but she didn’t die. The man who hit her drove off and left her on the street. I can’t even express how mad I got, like she is 16 years old. My cousin doesn’t have a phone and she was on her way to volunteer at a school like she normally does. It makes me so mad how inhuman people are getting. How do you hit someone and just carry on with your day? How do you live with that feeling of not knowing if you killed them or not? What is wrong with humanity? My cousin is okay and returned to school the next day. She is fine although she is on crutches. Well, back to my great aunt, I want to do something for my mom. I kind of want to buy my mom a plane ticket to Mexico so that she could visit her grave and see her family. Yesterday she was crying so much and she kept telling me about all these crazy memories that she remembered. I love my mother so much and I want the best for her. I want to surprise her with a plane ticket but I also want her to choose the weekend. I think i’ll just have her choose a day and I’ll buy her ticket.
Tomorrow I am having a yard sale after talking about if for so long. Everything we don’t sale will be donating to Goodwill right after so hopefully we get rid of everything. The only thing that drives me crazy is that Goodwill sells things kind of pricey. At a yard sale we’ll sell something for 10 cents and then see it at Goodwill for $5 to $7. I guess at the end of the day it doesn’t matter because at least we got rid of stuff, right?
I’ve been doing a lot of breathing exercises a lot, partially because my therapist told me too, but mainly for me. To anyone who constantly feels anxiety do the 7 second breathing exercise. Breathe in 7 seconds, hold for 8 seconds, and exhale for 7 seconds. The key to this is to do it when you aren’t having anxiety. Incorporate these breathing exercise throughout your day so when you are having anxiety and you do the breathing technique, there is a higher chance that it will work. At first, I thought this was stupid because personally when I get anxiety nothing can stop it, especially in the mornings. Lately, Have been doing these breathing exercise throughout my day that I have my anxiety in the morning under control. Although, I still get it everyday in the morning no matter if I take my medication or not, I feel more safe because I know that the breathing will calm me down if it gets a little out of hand. Another thing that I have found helpful is to chew gum or to suck on a mint. Use your 5 senses to your advantage while you are having anxiety. When you have anxiety (or anxiety attacks) your senses are heightened a lot. You begin to panic and suddenly that wall next to you (for example) is just a barrier to being able to escape. Touch the wall and really admire its characteristics. Is it flat? Or are their bumps? In therapy, we talk a lot about different techniques to use to help ease my anxiety. One of the ones I learned was the “5-4-3-2-1 Senses“. FIVE, visual. Name 5 things you can see and say it out loud. FOUR, touch. Name 4 things you can touch and maybe even how they feel. THREE, sounds. Name 3 things you can hear around you. TWO, smell. Name 2 things that you can taste. Personally I get anxiety in the morning so I am not around any smells that are lurking my space, so I smell my breath, my dog, or my sheets. You can also look for smells around you. ONE, taste. Name one thing that you can taste. This is when chewing gum or sucking on a mint comes in handy. It helps to use these coping techniques with a positive mindset. Be hopeful and know that this too shall past. I wanted to share this with you all because I have been very down lately. I’ve been trying to figure out my anxiety and getting to know this bitch, which means having to learn to cope. For the most part, I hate being told “be strong”, “stay strong”, “calm down”, and all these other sayings while I am having an anxiety attack. It’s like telling a dead man to just breathe. I know that all anxiety attacks are manageable over time, but in that moment whether it be 5 minutes or a lifetime, it feels like death. Fear is one hell of a fool and it sure knows how to get under our nose and catching us off guard. I really wish I had an outlet where I could go and know that I wasn’t the only one going through this. Social media tries to make anxiety a “relatable” thing, when it shouldn’t. I don’t doubt that someone has felt anxious at a point in their life, because I know for a fact that everyone has. Whether it be before giving a speech, taking their drivers test, or breaking up with their significant other. Everyone gets anxiety. The thing is that everyone gets different intensity levels of anxiety. I remember in my Comm 150 course at SFSU, there was this boy who always wore a blue jacket to class. I don’t blame him though, because it was an 8am class and San Francisco was always freezing cold. Anyways, we had to give speeches every week, plus for attendance we had to answer a question, one by one. This kid would rather get marked absent than talk. Well for our final we had to give a 5-7 minute speech, which let me tell you is one of the scariest things ever if you have stage fright. Well, it was this boys turn and he went up to the podium and it got silent. He froze. He stared into the classroom for a good 2 minutes and stayed silent. His hair was sort of long so you couldn’t see his eyes but he was sweating so much that his hair was clumping together. This was the first time I saw his eyes. After a good 2 minutes the professor (who was also a student, the best kind of professors to be honest) asked him if he was okay. He didn’t answer but he just started mumbling and nobody understood him. I knew he was talking about the movie Stand and Deliver because he got to a part in his speech when all he said was, “The movie Stand and Deliver.. the the the the movie Stand and Deliver… the the the the movie stand and Deliver”. And then he stopped reading and everyone looked at one another and just applauded. What else was there to do? I mention this because I give this kid so many props and respect for still partially giving the speech. At that time my anxiety really didn’t even exist except before speeches. I don’t know if I am trying to make a point or what but I hope you take something from this whether it for yourself, a friend, or a stranger.
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end.
– Proverbs 29:11