Check out all the photos on my Facebook page, https://www.facebook.com/ihtxphotography/ . Here are some of my favorites from Maria’s photoshoot that took place on Saturday in Knights Landing.
I told myself I wasn’t going to write a blog post because I have so much to do and I am so stressed out. The thing is that 1., I don’t ever listen to myself and 2., part of my stress was not being able to write a blog post today.
Nothing went as planned. My lack of energy took over every inch of my body and I had my eyes closed for most of the day. Well, for 2 hours, but still thats a long time. I purchased some vitamins to take to help with my energy levels (hopefully, pray for me). My parents rent the house we live in right now and we aren’t allowed to own dogs. Well we are but it’s an additional charge and ain’t nobody got extra cash in their wallets. So, we lie. Our water heater has been off for at least 2 weeks now, so we’ve been showering with cold water. The house owners finally decided to send someone over and I had to hide my dog in my room… which is why I ended up taking a nap. The man was here for a while so I told myself I was going to lay down for just a minute. That minute turned into 2 hours. I almost didn’t go to my little lunch/dinner with my boyfriend because I wanted to sleep. I will be making an appointment when I go see my therapist next week on Monday, so I hope I can get some answers. At this point, I am living with fear that it isn’t anything bad. I feel like I will walk out of the clinic if I hear “exercise”, “vegetables”, “water”, “sleep”, or “read” come out of the doctors mouth.
It has been a really sad day because of all the deaths that the earthquake provoked. There was some realistically raw footage on the news today that opened up my eyes. They showed a dead women on tv. At first it was a little graphic for me, but then I realized that this is reality. This is the truth. The truth hurts. It is upsetting to watch, but it is happening on this planet right now. I talked about this in my Social Impact on Journalism course in college and I appreciate raw footage so much. You get a chance to see real situations. The news has a way of making the “news” about celebrities. They try and hide what is actually going on in the world. I understand that some people don’t want to watch people dying on national television. Understandable. What I don’t understand is why someone being caught kissing someone else is more important than people dying. That’s a problem in this country. At least 139 people died, innocent lives were lost. It is painful to say that those lives will go unknown because the news doesn’t take time to let you know. Rather, the news focuses on sports, celebrities, etc. They keep us from what is actually going on because the government is fucked up. They control what we see and you shouldn’t allow that. Expose yourself to real news. Do research and “stay woke”.
A little off topic, but when are my blogs not? Haha. I woke up from my nap at around 2pm and I walked out to the living room to wait for my boyfriend. We were going to go get food at Applebees. My mom was watching the news and she was crying. As I mentioned earlier, the news was quiet graphic and emotional. A lot of people died in the earthquake that took place Atlixco, Puebla, Mexico (correct me if i’m wrong). Prior to that, they were talking about the lives of people who lived out there. My mom started telling me about the story of this man, with tears in her eyes. A man with 12 kids didn’t have money to feed her kids. His eldest daughter became seriously ill, because of it. It turns out that he would feed his kids tortillas de lodo… mud tortillas. You know when you hear something so unreal and you are without words? That was me. I was about to go to Applebees to eat the 2 for $25 while this man was feeding his 12 kids mud tortillas. Please tell me what fair is. The thing is that, he isn’t the only one. It makes me mad that news outlets don’t broadcast THE TRUTH. REALITY IS UGLY BECAUSE WE DON’T FACE IT. We hide behind our plasma tvs, computers, cellphones, and other stupid gadgets. When we hear about cases of poverty it sounds unreal because we aren’t exposed to it. A country with a racist leader who advocates racism.. People are so quick to act on someones race yet when it comes to helping their own kind they turn their backs. Ever since Trumps decision to remove DACA, I don’t look at homeless people the same. I look at them and think, “You have a social security number.” Those people you call “illegal”, do the most to not beg for money. From working in the field on scorching hot days to washing windows to selling strawberries on the corner of the street to selling yummy elotes o raspados. Mi raza no tiene social security number. Did you read that? These, “illegal” immigrants DON’T HAVE SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER. Do you see them asking you for money outside of stores? No. There not panhandlers. They aren’t illegals. They are people trying to make a living and most of the time they don’t even keep the fair share that they make. They send it to their families from the country that they migrated from. Mi raza comes to this country without family. Mi raza comes to this country seeking the American dream so that their families aren’t stuck eating mud tortillas. I am always left without words every time I go on social media or turn on the tv. I get that some homeless people have disabilities or they are veterans. I get it. But the thing is that, immigrants aren’t asking you for money outside of Walmart. They are innocently standing roaming the streets pushing a cart squeezing their horn selling some really good corn, chips, raspados, etc. Instead of thinking of racial remarks to yell at them, how about you converse with them. They are some of the brightest, hardworking, nicest people you will ever meet. As an American citizen, I give you my word.
My light skin makes me privileged. Not having an accent makes me privileged. Received an education makes me privileged. Receiving financial aid makes me privileged. Being able to speak English makes me privileged. Having a social Security makes me privileged. Which is why I stand behind my Latinos. Those who are to scared to have a voice. I am so proud to have Mexican roots. I am blessed to have money to buy the clothes on my back, food on the table, and a shelter over my head. Which is why I have donated to the disasters in Mexico. You should too. Stay grounded to humanity. At the end of the day we are all people. No amount of money, houses, clothes, cars, tvs, shoes, etc. makes us better than anyone. Sorry to tell you, but when we die we don’t take nothing. What you have right now, is called borrowing. Everything on this planet belongs to exactly that, the planet. At least 139 people died last night and that is very unfortunate. Innocent lives were lost. You are probably reading this from your home, on your bed or couch, with you electronic device. You are fortunate. Help someone in need financially or with a prayer.
There will always be poor people in the land. Therefore I command you to be openhanded toward your fellow Israelites who are poor and needy in your land.
– Deuteronomy 15:11
I was thinking of changing my avi/logo on this blog to a photo of myself. It’s crazy to think that this blog started off anonymous. It was my safety place where I could unravel the truth about myself and my feelings without being judged. Now, I am thinking about changing the avi/logo on this blog to my face. It might not be a biggie to others, but it’s a big deal for me. I probably won’t just because the logo I have right now accurately represents who I am. Every detail in that image reveals a little bit about me. The nipples represents the feminist side of me. I am very open to talk about topics that people think are uncomfortable or immature. Sex, body parts, birth control, etc. It also shows that I am a womxn. I support womxn’s rights and women empowerment. I Plus, I am all for #FreeTheNipple. Next, the long hair. I am a Latina and having a lot of hair is a cultural characteristic. I am proud of it. Hairy arms, facial hair, armpit hair, hairy legs, long hair, etc. If you look at the very bottom you will see a beautiful detail of beading as well as on the neck. The neck part has more of like a flower which represents my youth. I have blossomed into a beautiful young lady and I couldn’t be anymore proud of the girl I see when I look into a mirror. The beading at the bottom represents my creativity. This blog, my Etsy shop, and my photography side business, reveals how creative I can get. I can’t get a job… well better yet I can but I am choosing to work on my health instead of jumping into an unhealthy lifestyle. Instead of complaining about not having money, I made something of myself. I picked myself up and made something out of nothing. The beautiful American Dream from the roots of a Latina. The motivation and determination that I have received from my parents have made me into who I am today. Then, there’s the antlers. If you know me, I love nature. I am all for hiking and protecting the environment. I always pick up trash off the floor no matter what. This planet is our home, take care of it. I really think I was a tree in another life… Anyways, the overall image is black and it’s a shadow. I created the name for this page, when I was going through depression. I used to self-harm and think about suicide every minute of the day. I was living in my own shadows. I don’t even know why I am explaining this, but I did… so yeah…
I can’t express how happy I got when my brother told me he was talking about me in his English class. He snapchatted me at about 11am and he told me he was in the office. He then continued to tell me he brought me up in his English class. I am so touched. I didn’t ask what exactly he said, because I didn’t want to tut my own horn. At around 3pm, when my mom came home he said the same. “Mom, hable sobre Irma en mi clase.” My mom then asked what exactly he said. He didn’t actually answer the question but he said that he was bragging about the fact that I make a lot of money. Whether he was saying it as a joke in class or if he was being serious, I am so touched. Ever since my whole incident with having to move back home, I was really ashamed that my brother was going to lose some type of respect for me. I talked about this in one of my daily entry blogs back in March. I would cry at night because I felt as if I was letting my brother down, because I am potentially suppose to be a role model for him. Graduate from high school, go to college, so on. I am doing that, but it’s being done in a different matter. I took the back road instead of going on the freeway. I couldn’t handle the fast pace due to my mental health. That little remark makes me feel reassured as an older sister. Even though, I don’t “make a lot of money,” it’s nice that he thinks highly of me. What I mean abut that is he really appreciates what it is that I do. Some days I lock myself in my little office, trying to fill orders as fast as I can so I can have them sent out by the next day. It can be excruciatingly stressful and I don’t really receive that much credit for what I do. It’s nice that my brother has me on his mind for what I do. Although he drives me crazy and sometimes asks me to buy him plain white shirts that cost $50, I appreciate the shit out of him. I am so proud to have a younger sibling who is such a prime example of never giving up. He isn’t book smart but he’s street smart. He knows what he’s doing and he tends to beat himself up. College sucks. People on a board judge you as a person and decide whether you should attend their university. My brother is a very intelligent kid, and it breaks my heart when he says that he isn’t going to get into a good college. That boy is good at sports. He sets his mind to anything and everything and God, I wish I had his determination. At the end of the day, I hope he knows that no matter where he goes, we will always be proud of him. The school system is fucked up. I get that some schools only want smart students, but not everyone is smart in terms of school. Some people are really good at a certain subject but they simply aren’t great at taking tests. They shouldn’t be denied from a school because their SAT and ACT scores don’t meet their criteria. That’s besides the point and a whole different rant, but I hope and pray that this boy gets to attend a college/university that acknowledges and respects his capabilities and talents. Whether they do or don’t, I know I always will.
I want to do more. I said a couple of blogs back that I was going to be sponsoring a child from Oaxaca. Well, the program never reached out to me so I am guessing that is a no go. If you know of any programs or children from or in Mexico that need sponsoring for their EDUCATION, please let me know. I really want to give back in some way. Personally, I love education and I know how expensive it can be/get. I want to give back. I want to help. I don’t want to co-exist anymore. I want to be in the “picture”.
Okay, well that’s all I have to say… for now… Have a great night. I hope you all had a blessed day and if you didn’t well at least you got through it! Tomorrow’s a new day.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.– 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
After yesterdays blog post I have decided to not start off with a greeting. It’s weird and totally not me. Plus it makes me feel like I have to keep my blog posts short, and you know me I LOVE TO TALK… I mean write. Same thing. Kind of.
My boyfriend and I shot some photos for my shop today. I am normally behind the camera, but I wanted to do some modeling as well. After doing so, I am definitely going to be staying behind the camera for a while. Here are some of the new tops from our collection, “Latina of the Corn”. (Click Here). Here are some of my favorite shots with my favorite items. These items are not in that precise collection, but rather sold alone. Check them out, (Click Here)
So the next little paragraph is a rant that I feel I am overreacting about, but I wrote it and I don’t want to delete it. If you wish to skip, scroll down until you see bold letters that read, “TAMBOS“. I just made up that word on the spot. I could’ve gone with “STOP” or “HERE”, but no… “TAMBOS” it is….
I was on snapchat and this girl is posting all over her social media that she is basically going to kill herself. She posted on her Instagram:
I’m done with everything *crying emoji* I’m fr going ghost now . Fuck *crying emoji* this aint a joke , my time has come *heart break emoji* *waving emoji*
Her caption this post was, ” please don’t text me.” If you don’t want anybody asking questions why the fuck would you post something like this on social media? And then posted it on her Instagram story. Then on her snapchat story she posted a series of images with words that read, “I swear I want to just die rn . No Joke . *crying emoji* this shit is killing me”, then posted a screenshot of her Instagram page with the words, “I’m fr . I deleted all my shit *crying emoji* ik ima go through some depression shit but fuck ima be off everything for a long time . It’s crazy how things can change in just a minute *high five emoji* *crying emoji*”, and then the whole reason why I am fired up, she posted an image of Priscilla Garcia with the words, “I’ll see you soon beautiful”. If you aren’t from my lovely hometown of Woodland nor have read my previous blog posts then you don’t who Priscilla is. She is a girl that passed away from Cancer in June, (click here). I didn’t get to know her on a personal level nor was I quite close to her, but this young girl was a fighter. She had so much strength to fight her cancer. She was, better yet, still IS a beautiful soul. Normally I am a strong advocator for mental health and would normally never hold such aggression towards a topic. I would normally reach out to the girl and talk to her, but this is different. Priscilla passed away a little over 3 months ago and you are bringing her up in that context? It makes me mad because Priscilla was always so full of life and happiness and we all wish she was her today. To talk about wanting to take your own life with Priscilla in the same sentence, like who are you? I don’t even know why I am talking so much about this. I am just infuriated how people make being suicidal a joke. It’s a feeling of being so numb to everything that you no longer wish to be on this planet. A feeling that interferes with your everyday life routine. Not wanting to feel anymore. If you want attention do something else, but watch your actions. It’s things like this that make me want to move out of this town again. May God, continue to give me the patience that I have to keep my cool, because I was about to lash out on her for posting something so stupid.
On a serious note, I do hope that this girl is okay and it is just out of attention.
Last night was a rough night. I had a major anxiety attack which I haven’t had for a while. Well I had a panic attack last week on Saturday, but this anxiety attack was caused by being cold. Oh and from spicy food. I had taken a shower with cold water because our water heater doesn’t work. Our AC was also on, but I enjoy sleeping with my window open, so it was very cold. I had one small blanket because I was doing laundry but I was planning on drying the blanket the today in the morning. Well I began to get really cold and when that happens my anxiety gets triggered. It was like 1-2am and I was also eating Hot Cheetos, because I am unhealthy and late night cravings are a big thing for me. In the beginning of this year I developed severe acid reflex, which means this Latina couldn’t put jalapenos, tapatio, valentina, salsa, chile de tomate, tajin, etc., ON ANYTHING. If I did I was going to get a really bad sensation of wanting to throw up. Small fact about me, I have a huge fear of throwing up. WHICH SMALL SIDETRACK/ SIDE NOTE COMMENTARY.. SOMEONE THREW UP IN OUR DRIVE WAY TODAY. WHICH I THOUGHT WAS DISGUSTING AND I AM HOPING THAT EITHER MY MOTHER OR FATHER HOSED IT DOWN BECAUSE IF I GET EVEN A GLIMPSE OF IT, I WILL THROW UP. Anyways, back to what I was saying. My acid reflex has calmed down a bit over the months, but last night it was bad. I had half of those small bags of hot Cheetos and was I freaking out. I had to have my mom come and hold me, because it got really ugly really fast. It’s weird because looking back at every situation that I have been in that are similar to this, I think to myself, “What’s so scary about throwing up?” I don’t know. I truly don’t.
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves
– Philippians 2:3
I have a New Collection on my Etsy shop called, “Latina of the Corn”. My boyfriend was shooting me in these beautiful handmade authentic shirts from Mexico, while we were talking about the disturbing movie “Children of the Corn.” I got the idea of changing up the title and making it the name of this collection. A womxn in Mexico, reached out to me and I have decided to incorporate these tops in my shop. If you are interested in purchasing one go check them out. (Click here)
I feel like I never start off with a greeting because I don’t even know if anybody is even reading this… but HELLO.
All day today and over a couple of days I have had something on mind. I don’t quite remember if I’ve written a blog post about it or if I’ve mentioned. I think I might have talked about it on a daily blog entry, but not everyone reads every single one of my blogs so I’ll say it again. A while back this year, I went to rite aid to pick up my birth control. There was a semi-long line with about 6-8 people. The line was long enough that people were standing in one of the medication aisles, including me. A lady walked up to the front of the line to try and figure out where the back was and I saw her face. She looked perfectly fine, almost happy. About 5 minutes passed and another women entered the aisle and stood behind the women that was behind me. They began to small talk. The lady who showed up last was saying that she was picking up her eye medication because she was going to get surgery on them. She went on about how she hasn’t been able to see “perfectly” since her mother was alive. Death came up in the conversation. The women who was behind me then began to state why she was at the pharmacy. She mentioned that she was picking up her daughters medication. Normal, right? Her daughter was flying out from college, and she needed to pick up her inhaler. Okay, so what? Her mother felt that she would need her inhaler this weekend because she was going to be crying a lot and maybe even hyperventilating. Weird? Yeah, but I mean people cry all the time, right? Well she then goes on to say that her daughter passed away 2 days ago. The lady standing behind me took her daughter off life support and her other daughter was flying in to attend her funeral. I froze. She started to cry so much and the women behind her gave her a hug and told her that she is no longer suffering. I wanted to turn around and hug her. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to do all these things, but I was frozen. What do I do? Do i do anything at all? It was my turn in line and I was still ears dropping. This women who looked perfectly fine was going through something so drastic. That’s the thing, we are all going through something, but sometimes we choose not to show our emotions. Some of us refuse to show weakness, but others try to stay positive. Once I had my medication I turned around and the women was still hugging her from the side and telling her everything was going to be okay. Do you understand how strong this women is? She went to the store 2 days after she disconnected her daughter from life support. If you think I am crazy for saying that go back and reread that sentence. Knowing myself, I probably won’t go back and reread a sentence so I am going to say it again. She went to the store 2 days after she disconnected her daughter from life support. A girl that she carried in her womb for 9 months and gave birth to, died. She put on her strong face and still went to go pick up her daughters inhaler. I am known for over analysing shit, but this women has such a beautiful soul. I wish I could’ve told her this. It has probably been on my mind so much because I didn’t say anything to her. I put my dog down and I emotionally broke down to my therapist, without knowing I was still hurting. Some will say you can’t compare a pet to a human, but having the power to tell another human being, that you’re going to let them go… that takes a lot of will. My therapist and I talked about this. You need to have a lot of love for someone to make a decision like that. To have this person or pet in front of you, as you stare at their body, and you make the choice to say goodbye. If you have ever been in that position and nobody has ever told you how strong you are, well I am telling you now.
– awkward transition to another topic –
Regarding my lack of energy, I took a nap after my brothers cross country race and shopping at the flea market. When I woke up, I felt great. I cleaned the whole house, made new designs, showered, showered my dog, filled orders, and washed clothes. I am going to try and get on a new sleeping schedule, even though I am writing this at 1:00 am…. I am not tired so today/tomorrow at night I’ll try going to bed before 12am.
Anyways, this was a weird blog entry. Yesterday I went through all of my blog posts and cleaned it up a bit because I felt like my blog was a little disorganized. I am really proud of it and hopefully I can get the courage to upgrade it. I deserve it but I just can’t get around to spending $99 on myself. I could use that money on so many things. I guess I could collect change and upgrade my blog then. Will see.
Happy Independence day to my Lindo Mexico. God, I love being Mexican. I am so excited to be going to Mexico in December. I am so excited for the food, my family, my home, the architecture, the shopping, EVERYTHING. Mi Mexico lindo y querido.
Okay bye. Have a blessed day! Here is some important information you all need to know:
44 days until Halloween
99 Days until Christmas
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
– 1 Corinthians 13:4