I feel a lot of anger and anxiety in me. Time is coming to an end and I have nothing to look back on. Not the memories of laughter with friends or the experiences. I have closed eye lids and drool on my arm. That isn’t going to do anything for me. I’ve seemingly managed to make myself into nothing.
Assumptions and thoughts that people think of me have really driven me to my all time low. Who I was a year or two ago, is not me anymore. I’ve seen less of the world and no personality anymore. Don’t assume I don’t care because God knows I put more time and energy into others than I do for myself. I love people with all my heart and try to do everything I can to make sure they are happy. I am a sensitive person who still cries when Carl (from the movie up) loses his wife, Ellie. Don’t bring up an old name of my past only to assume I hate them, because for all I know they could save my life in the future. I am in no place to judge anyone based on their past or presents.
This past week, I have felt nothing but attacked. I am a very isolated person who keeps a lot to herself. I have social media and that’s the only way that I open up and it’s crazy that some people determine my personality by a photo, a blog post, a tweet, etc. That isn’t me. I don’t like conflict. I dislike the feeling I get in my conscious when I think that people hate me. I don’t like it. I do everything in my power to be okay with everyone, because I don’t know what goes on behind a screen/ at home. I am not a mean person and for people to think so low of me really hurts. One of the worst feelings I have felt in a while is reading tweets from a girl trying to bring me down. You could be reading this right now and it really hurts that you didn’t take down your tweets when you knew that my tweet had nothing to do with you. It hurts a lot. I was having issues with one of my friends who was modeling for my clothes and somehow I managed to start issues with someone you. It really sucks. I respect you so much as the strong female that you are. I have been reading your blog and I pray for you. Nobody deserves to have their mental health deteriorated. Nobody. After private messaging you and clearing stuff up, I thought everything was okay. The feeling of having set you off has been bothering me every minute of the day. A part of me feels like you hate me and it just really hurts. We aren’t that close of friends and I am not really sure why I am hurting, but I am. I was at Starbucks today with my boyfriend and I opened up my Twitter and I saw your tweets on my “what you missed” section… again. You hadn’t deleted it. It could only mean you think so low of me. I’ve been repeating myself so much, but it sucks. The other day a sorority from sfsu harassed me for talking about their interest group on my blog.. “Late night rituals around candles at 3am, long emotional talks with strangers, and talking about my unknown future with sorority girls.” L***** from this sorority messaged me to let me know that if I didn’t take down this post then she was going to report me to some council and take legal action. She claimed I had signed a contract but I never did and I know I didn’t because I never gave back the binder that had that very contract in it. It was never signed because I knew that I wasn’t going to be proceeding. The feeling of someone approaching me with “I love reading your blog” to “take it down” had me take a couple of step backs. This past week has been a complete mess. I am very open with my mother and I tell her almost everything. If someone is more hurt, it is probably her. This past month I have been harassed by 2 women from a company and a girl from a sorority. I take a lot of stuff in and I don’t ever defend myself the way that I should. I am very afraid of confrontation. During these three incidents of being harassed I had major anxiety attacks. Having to accept being vulnerable and afraid in a situation where the other person will gain nothing but power and confidence builds anxiety.
Suicidal. Afraid to not be accepted. Anxiety. Loneliness. Fear of Failure.
Just some of the things that lead me to forcing myself to sleep all day. I tell myself that maybe if I take 4-5 hour naps a day I can get through the day faster and I can avoid feeling like this. The thing is, you can’t sleep your life away. You eventually begin to get tired of being tired. You begin to realize that you are no longer yourself. You are nothing but sleep.
I pray to God today: for the girls in that sorority, the girl from Twitter and for her to strength to beat her depression, for my grandpa to live through another day, for my mother and father, for my brothers education and motivation, for my sisters safety, for my boyfriend to pass his math test, for my dog Muffy to be doing okay up there in heaven… I pray for you.
For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
– Jeremiah 29:11