Sadness

I feel a lot of anger and anxiety in me. Time is coming to an end and I have nothing to look back on. Not the memories of laughter with friends or the experiences. I have closed eye lids and drool on my arm. That isn’t going to do anything for me. I’ve seemingly managed to make myself into nothing.

Assumptions and thoughts that people think of me have really driven me to my all time low. Who I was a year or two ago, is not me anymore. I’ve seen less of the world and no personality anymore. Don’t assume I don’t care because God knows I put more time and energy into others than I do for myself. I love people with all my heart and try to do everything I can to make sure they are happy. I am a sensitive person who still cries when Carl (from the movie up) loses his wife, Ellie. Don’t bring up an old name of my past only to assume I hate them, because for all I know they could save my life in the future. I am in no place to judge anyone based on their past or presents.

This past week, I have felt nothing but attacked. I am a very isolated person who keeps a lot to herself. I have social media and that’s the only way that I open up and it’s crazy that some people determine my personality by a photo, a blog post, a tweet, etc. That isn’t me. I don’t like conflict. I dislike the feeling I get in my conscious when I think that people hate me. I don’t like it. I do everything in my power to be okay with everyone, because I don’t know what goes on behind a screen/ at home. I am not a mean person and for people to think so low of me really hurts. One of the worst feelings I have felt in a while is reading tweets from a girl trying to bring me down. You could be reading this right now and it really hurts that you didn’t take down your tweets when you knew that my tweet had nothing to do with you. It hurts a lot. I was having issues with one of my friends who was modeling for my clothes and somehow I managed to start issues with someone you. It really sucks. I respect you so much as the strong female that you are. I have been reading your blog and I pray for you. Nobody deserves to have their mental health deteriorated. Nobody. After private messaging you and clearing stuff up, I thought everything was okay. The feeling of having set you off has been bothering me every minute of the day. A part of me feels like you hate me and it just really hurts. We aren’t that close of friends and I am not really sure why I am hurting, but I am. I was at Starbucks today with my boyfriend and I opened up my Twitter and I saw your tweets on my “what you missed” section… again. You hadn’t deleted it. It could only mean you think so low of me. I’ve been repeating myself so much, but it sucks. The other day a sorority from sfsu harassed me for talking about their interest group on my blog.. “Late night rituals around candles at 3am, long emotional talks with strangers, and talking about my unknown future with sorority girls.” L***** from this sorority messaged me to let me know that if I didn’t take down this post then she was going to report me to some council and take legal action. She claimed I had signed a contract but I never did and I know I didn’t because I never gave back the binder that had that very contract in it. It was never signed because I knew that I wasn’t going to be proceeding. The feeling of someone approaching me with “I love reading your blog” to “take it down” had me take a couple of step backs. This past week has been a complete mess. I am very open with my mother and I tell her almost everything. If someone is more hurt, it is probably her. This past month I have been harassed by 2 women from a company and a girl from a sorority. I take a lot of stuff in and I don’t ever defend myself the way that I should. I am very afraid of confrontation. During these three incidents of being harassed I had major anxiety attacks. Having to accept being vulnerable and afraid in a situation where the other person will gain nothing but power and confidence builds anxiety.

Suicidal. Afraid to not be accepted. Anxiety. Loneliness. Fear of Failure.

Just some of the things that lead me to forcing myself to sleep all day. I tell myself that maybe if I take 4-5 hour naps a day I can get through the day faster and I can avoid feeling like this. The thing is, you can’t sleep your life away. You eventually begin to get tired of being tired. You begin to realize that you are no longer yourself. You are nothing but sleep.

I pray to God today: for the girls in that sorority, the girl from Twitter and for her to strength to beat her depression, for my grandpa to live through another day, for my mother and father, for my brothers education and motivation, for my sisters safety, for my boyfriend to pass his math test, for my dog Muffy to be doing okay up there in heaven… I pray for you.

For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

– Jeremiah 29:11

Advertisements

9/10 Showers

The scorching hot water drizzled down my nude body. My sensitive skin would soon be covered in red spots. My mind wasn’t focused on the steam, but on myself. I grabbed the loofa and scrubbed my temporary tattoo off. I watched as small black speckles swirled down the drain. Memories of my childhood came over me. Sitting as far away from the drain because I felt like monsters would grab me. My innocence was so pure. It was thrown down the drain by those monsters I used to be afraid of. I should’ve sat closer to the drain. There are a lot more monsters outside of this bathroom. It’s a really cruel world. I let the water touch my face as the soap starts to run down my nipples. I felt a sudden coldness. I looked outside the window and saw the stars. I saw the unknown. Oblivion. I saw my grandma. I closed the window and bit my lip. “Without you here I am nothing”… Grace Vanderwaal, what a beautiful thing. I thought of my boy. I haven’t seen him for a while. School, work, my business, my mental health, so many barriers between us. I miss him. His soft skin against mine and his warmth. He makes me feel safe in those arms of his. I let go of my lip and let the water run down my back. Goosebumps begin to form on my body. Ever inch of my naked body is now covered in bumps. The same bumps that my boy gives me when he whispers, “I love you” in my ear. My tears race the drops from the shower head. Down my cheeks… Why is there so much hate in this god damn world. A narcissistic leader making a platform of his own image. White and privileged. Anger is now pounding in my arms. I rest my head on the shower wall. Mi raza quiere un futuro. WHY DON’T YOU LEAVE OUR IMMIGRANTS ALONE. I remember seeing a hate group with signs that read, “deport deport deport”. My insides were hotter than the water. I feel so belittled. I want to help. How do I help. I’m little but I have a big voice. How do I help those who are to afraid to speak up? So many emotions are upon me. I turn off the shower. I wrap a towel around my body. I stare at myself in the mirror. Priveldeged. Chicana. Latina. Brown. American. US Citizen. Immigrant parents. Middle child. Strong. Warrior. Leader. Fighter. Protector. I dry myself off and remember an important saying…

They tried to bury us. They didn’t know we were seeds.

– Mexican Proverbs

Let’s Talk About Sex

Growing up I always your average opinion about sex. It should be done with one man and it should only be done on the day after your marriage. Obviously as I grew up I became exposed to new things and by new things I mean I got a boyfriend.

Why is it that we shame couples for buying condoms, yet we are so quick to judge when we see young couples with kids. Maybe if we made it socially acceptable for teenagers to buy condoms and made planned parenthood a better resource we could reduce teen pregnancies. Stop trying to bring abstinence among every every teenager. I understand that many adults don’t want their kids having sex, but that just causes them to rebel. Teach teenagers about condoms, birth control and STD testing instead of keeping important knowledge from them. Teenagers will be teenagers. Let them experiment. Many religious people that I know believe that there kids should wait until after they’re married, which I think is perfectly fine. Wait or don’t it’s all up to each and one of us. But don’t hold information from teenagers. Let them know that they don’t have to have unprotective sex. Let them know that there are teen clinics that provide free service, such as Planned Parenthood. Frankly, it’s not your choice whether someone you know wants to have sex or not. Let them know that if they do plan to have sex to be protective.

Sex is such a normal thing and we shouldn’t try to shame it, I mean we were all a product from it. Sex is normal. We live in a society where we shame people for having sexual interactions with other people. Whether it’s a one night stand with someone new every time or with your significant other every Saturday, it’s okay. As long as there being safe, why is it anybody else’s business. It doesn’t make anybody a “slut” or a “player”, sex is normal. Stop shaming people for it. SEX IS NORMAL. Don’t give someone a body count because of the amount of men or women that they have been with, because frankly that shouldn’t matter to you.

Normalize sex.

‘Sex’ is as important as eating or drinking and we ought to allow the one appetite to be satisfied with as little restraint or false modesty as the other.

 

 

Empty Cut-out Missing

God, it’s getting more and more difficult. I feel so trapped and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m scared of being scared. I overthink everything and I’m trying so hard to stay positive, but I just don’t know how to do this anymore. I watch shows, read books, and take photos. But theres something that always comes up. Friends. I envy all of these shows who bring up friends or even have a huge group of supporters. Books, they create this imaginary notion that I want to have. I want a friend who shows up at my door at 12am because I need a hug. Photography, makes me realize that you can only take so many photos of trees, flowers, and fences before you realize that you rather be seeing a friendly smily through your lens. God, this feeling is eating me alive. I don’t know what to do anymore and it’s making feel depressed. Do I even belong here anymore? Do I have a place on this planet? Or am I just taking up to much space.

 

Rape in this Country

Have you ever put yourself in the position of someone else’s life? We make our own lives to be the worst, but people actually have really bad lives.

All day while cleaning, I was thinking about the topic of rape. I don’t understand how when someone gets rape the other person doesn’t just automatically get convicted. That’s what’s so messed up with our system. We make the men in the society hold this level of obedience towards women. They can get away with just about anything because women will always end up looking bad. “She was wearing a short skirt,” “She didn’t say no,” “She was drunk.” Unless the women says, “yes” or gives you any type of consent, do not touch her. It doesn’t matter if she is your girlfriend, you don’t own her or her body. Under no circumstance is it okay for you to think that just because a women is wearing revealing clothes that she wants to be penetrated. It isn’t okay at all.

The thought of a rape victim testifying in the same room as a rapist while a lawyer tries to turn the page and make it seem like it was her fault. Have you ever thought about this? Imagine the rapists defender being a women. Imagine a female telling you that because you were wearing revealing clothes “you were asking for it.” Have you ever token a step back from your everyday life and realized what kind of world we live in?

According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, 1 in 5 women (1 in 71 men) will be raped in sometime in their life. One in five. And 1 in 4 girls (1 in 6 boys) will be sexually abused before they turn 18 years old. If you aren’t speechless after reading these statistics, you are most likely the problem. Under the age of 18 years old, people are being raped. And not just any “people” but children and teenagers. Most rape victims under the age of 18 more than likely haven’t gone through their period. As you are reading this and as I am writing this, someone could be getting raped right now.

We live in a society where we allowed a sexist homophobe bigot as a president. People in this society looked at him and said, “I want him as my president.” This potential rapist who thinks you should just “grab [women] by the pussy”. Adults with kids, filled in the square next to Donald Trumps name.

Nonetheless, I know I said somethings that by law are required to do, such as a trial. Trials must be done to get justice for rape victims so rapist have lawyers who try to dig them out of the hole they buried themselves in. But these trials that tell rape victims that it was there own fault are the reasons that rape is one of the most under-reported crimes. It is why after rape victims undergo their traumatizing events they don’t go to the police. It’s because this country doesn’t properly prosecute rapist. It’s because this country blames women for revealing to much skin. It’s because this country doesn’t respect women.

If you are victim of rape, do not be afraid to reach out. I don’t know what you are going through, because I personally have never undergoed such traumatizing event. But I do know that you don’t want to hear someone say it’s going to be okay after your experiences but you have to fight for justice. You are not alone. All women are standing by you, and you will get through this. Because you decided to show your shoulders isn’t a reason to live in fear. Reach out.

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 (24 hour hotline)

Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Be strong and courageous. This is what the LORD will do to all the enemies you are going to fight.

– Josua 10:25

Thoughts

Who am I? Actually, no. The real question is,  who have I turned myself into? I used to be the girl that always spoke the truth and when somebody brought negative vibes into my life I would just wipe them out. Now? Now, I just suck up to them so they can like me. Now, I do things that I don’t like just so I know what my friends are talking about the next day so I don’t feel left behind. Now, I put up with being insulted by my friends just so I won’t be alone. But the thing is that I am not afraid of being alone or of being insulted. I have used the word “friends” to describe these people, but they aren’t friends.

Arguing

Is arguing with your beloved one even worth it? I mean think about it. You aren’t guaranteed a life with him so why spend the majority of the time that you are with this person arguing?

“Arguing helps strengthen our relationship..it’s weird to say this but it really does. No matter how mad I am at you I still love you.”

Last night and this morning I spent it arguing with my boyfriend and the only thought running through my head is “How is this making our relationship stronger? I want to leave you.” My boyfriend has a habit of telling me that arguing builds our relationship and helps make us mature. The thing is that I just don’t see it..well that wasn’t until now.

We were arguing about how he wanted to be able to dance with his friends at parties…his friends that just happen to be girls. If you are a girl reading this you see my problem. Me personally, I have a huge problem with my insecurities and just being okay with who I am so this discussion brought my self esteem down a lot. How can my boyfriend want this? Why?

It was 4:30 in the morning when I woke up trembling and with anxiety. You see my boyfriend and I always text these words before going to bed no matter what:

Goodnight I love you sweet dreams baby wake me up if you need me i love you 🙂

But this time I had enough and I just said goodnight and went to bed. Being the person that I am I just couldn’t sleep without a clean conscious knowing that I had made someone mad and that someone was mad at me so I woke up and I sent this huge paragraph with why I had to argue with him.

We are good now. We are fine. He explained to me what he was trying to get across to me and I misinterpreted everything. Everything is perfect again.

Arguing does strengthen your relationship, but when I say this I don’t mean go out and argue with your loved one so you guys can be good again, I mean it as it’s normal to argue. Arguing involves two or more people and in my case it was my boyfriend and I, no matter what we stuck together and fought with one another. We didn’t let go of the fight because letting go meant losing the one another. It’s been almost 3 years of pure love and we don’t want to lose each other over an argument. This is what he meant. The arguing that we find within couples usually leads to making up which leads to more time together and the longer you are with this person you realize one thing. To just shut up and value your partner, because they have put up with you for that long.