Live In Today

The future.

I have an issue with not being able live in the now. My days consist of, “tomorrow”, “next year”, “later”, etc, but never of “nows”.

The other day I was watching a Youtube video and this girl was talking about the exact same issue I have. She was rambling quite a bit about the topic of not being able to enjoy day by day and I feel like what I took out of that video was probably something she wasn’t trying to express. If you have read my past blogs, specifically the night at the fire station and/or my apartment story you are aware that this year hasn’t been the greatest for me. I think that is why when I watched this Youtube video, I took what she said and placed it into my current situation. My past is a very dark place so I look to the future to motivate me to keep going. I tell myself things like, “When you are 30 years old it won’t matter if you went to a Community College or a state school”, “You’ll eventually overcome anxiety and you can go hiking then”, etc. I comfort myself with thinking about the future, because in my head I can picture a happy ending. I can imagine pot of gold at the end of my rainbow instead of an angry leprechaun. I choose not to live in the now because that means having to fight through the scares that the past has embarked on me. I procrastinate on things like enrolling at a community college because I know that I will get better in the further future and I will be able to go back to a state school. I avoid today. I avoid having to fight today. I avoid myself. I have this belief engraved in my skull that not having to fight through my problems and pushing them aside means that they will disappear. That isn’t the case at all. Even if I choose not to fight my anxiety today and I tell myself I am fine, in a few years it’s going to turn around and bite me in the ass. There won’t be any pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, because the storm won’t be over.

The famous words, Carpe Diem, used to urge someone to make the most of the present time and give little thought to the future, is what I am trying to transform into my motto. I guess with my anxiety and depression I think about the future more than I do about today because it gives me hope. I personally don’t have anybody that motivates me to keep going, so I am in charge of that. I let myself know that today might not be okay, but tomorrow will be. Lately, due to my anxiety, everyday has been a bad day so I look to the future for a wisp of hope.

I have a really big of fear of death and normally at night is when I will get dark thoughts. It causes my anxiety and my body begins to get very stiff. This is the only time that the future has ever scared me. Anything that has to do with death makes me want to run backwards on a clock. But then I get into a more positive mind set and think about how I am barely on hour 2 of my day. I am 19 years old and I still have way to much to live. I should be focusing on whether I want to experiment sleeping with socks on instead of who will be at my funeral.

Don’t think to much about tomorrow because it’s not guaranteed. It’s not worth stressing over something that might now even happen. Live in the now. Focus on your breathing and realize that you still have to breathe in about a million more times before the day ends. Don’t murder yourself with the extra weight of thinking about the future. In my case, I shouldn’t be making plans about my future if I am laying in bed all day with nothing to do. Go out and venture the world, there’s so much to see. Go look under a rock instead of getting your cards read.

There’s a saying that you should probably remember if you are having a hard time living in the moment. It goes like this:

Don’t re-live the past.

Don’t pre-live the future.

Live now

Live everyday as if it were your last. Not tomorrow, or a year from now, but now. Everything will fall into place. The mindset you have right now won’t be the same one that you have in a couple of years so there’s no need to make plans about something that you probably won’t even want to do later.

At the end of the day you aren’t guaranteed a future, your family, your friends, a job, food on the table, etc. The only thing that is certain is right now. This very moment. Embrace it. Venture it. Live it. Right now is all you have.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

– Matthew 6:34

Let Down…

It is 12:11am and I feel like I have let down my family. Specifically speaking, my sister and dad. My head hurts so badly and I feel like I am going to throw up from how disappointed and let down I feel.

My dad works so hard, 3am to 5pm everyday, to give his children everything so that they can get an education. Which is why I feel that I have let him down. He is constantly asking me about school. “Where are you going to go study now that you aren’t at San Francisco State?”, (in Spanish obviously) or, ” Do you even want to study anymore?” These questions hurt me so much. I love school. I always have, it’s been in my life for practically all of it. It has never let me down. I love being a student. I love to learn. Unfortunately my anxiety has taken over my brain and my body and i’m still trying to figure out how to get it back. But it hurts me so much when I hear my dad talk about my brothers and I on the phone. He describes my sister as an educated business women with a college degree who lives in Santa Barbara. He describes my brother as an athlete that runs really fast and who has his wall covered in medals. He describes me… oh wait he doesn’t. He tells them about the past 2 incidents where he had to take me to the hospital due to my anxiety and how I had to come home from college. Thanks dad.

As for my sister, she doesn’t have to say these exact words but I know that she no longer supports me or for that matter respects me. I am in recovery mode and I find myself with so much time on my hands. I don’t have friends because frankly I push people away. I don’t want to hurt anyone or put them in an awkward situation where I am having a panic attack. So with my spare time I like to sell stuff on etsy, write blogs, join affiliate programs, get my followers on social media to increase to be a social influenster, do photoshoots, and other small things. If you notice all of these activities can be done in the comfort of my bedroom and/or my home for that matter. My safe spot. I feel good here. I don’t have to worry about getting an anxiety attack and having people watch me cry as my hands cramp up. So to my sister, I am sorry that I can’t just get on a plane and go to Cabo with you. I am sorry that I can’t just have mom and dad drop me off in Santa Barbara with you. I am sorry that I had to stop going to college. I am sorry that I am not your ideal sister. I am sorry that I have so much shit wrong with me. I am sorry that you can no longer make inside jokes about Community College because I have to go there now. I am sorry I have disappointed you. It is quite clear to me now that we no longer have that small bond that we used to share.

I really needed to express this feeling because it is eating away at my brain. The disappointed. The remorse. The hate. The let down. I hope that I can eventually regain your support back, because I am trying so hard. You don’t understand. This is a living hell for me.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
– Corinthians 1 3:4-7

New Dog

Today I am being introduced a new companion into my life. I am getting Rocky, my dog, today and I am not sure how I feel. I am very excited but also scared. I haven’t been able to sleep because my anxiety has been acting up and I don’t know why. He’s just a dog, right? Does this have a deeper meaning? Why do I feel like crying?

I had the same dog for 14 years of my life and I had to make the decision of having him put down. When making that decision I was going through a very rough time in my life, and the day before I was just in the hospital. The connection I have with Muffy will be for a lifetime.

With that being said, a part of me feels like I am replacing Muffy and my anxiety has been acting up. When I had to move back home because of my anxiety, my dog became very ill. It was as if we were both going through something, together. Without trying to sound like a horrible owner, it felt good to know that my companion of 14 years was by my side. So now that I am bringing in a new companion into my home, 3 months later, I really hope that my dog is up there smiling. IMG_1233.PNG

This dog will help me grow as a person and learn not to be afraid of being alone. I hope to grow as a person with a companion like Rocky by my side. Muffy will forever be apart of this family, and nobody can replace him. His body will forever be remembered and embraced.

I understand that I sound a little silly thinking like this, but it’s the truth. When you own a dog for that long, he begins to grow on you just as much as a an actual human being. I don’t want to feel like I am replacing him, because I am not.

I guess you can say that I am scared because I don’t want to have to be put in the situation of having to put another companion down. That was one of the worst days of my life. I am afraid that I am going to get attached to him like I got attached to Muffy, and before I know it he will be taken away from me.

At the same time I am very excited to have a pet once again. If you have never had a dog, cat, bird, lizard, snake, or any pet you need to. You begin to feel love towards something that isn’t alive but very much is alive. It’s pretty amazing. So here is to new beginnings!

In Loving Memory of Muffy 

DSC_0013.jpg

 

Behold, the former things have come to pass, and new things I now declare; before they spring forth I tell you of them.

– Isaiah 42:9

Let’s Talk About Sex

Growing up I always your average opinion about sex. It should be done with one man and it should only be done on the day after your marriage. Obviously as I grew up I became exposed to new things and by new things I mean I got a boyfriend.

Why is it that we shame couples for buying condoms, yet we are so quick to judge when we see young couples with kids. Maybe if we made it socially acceptable for teenagers to buy condoms and made planned parenthood a better resource we could reduce teen pregnancies. Stop trying to bring abstinence among every every teenager. I understand that many adults don’t want their kids having sex, but that just causes them to rebel. Teach teenagers about condoms, birth control and STD testing instead of keeping important knowledge from them. Teenagers will be teenagers. Let them experiment. Many religious people that I know believe that there kids should wait until after they’re married, which I think is perfectly fine. Wait or don’t it’s all up to each and one of us. But don’t hold information from teenagers. Let them know that they don’t have to have unprotective sex. Let them know that there are teen clinics that provide free service, such as Planned Parenthood. Frankly, it’s not your choice whether someone you know wants to have sex or not. Let them know that if they do plan to have sex to be protective.

Sex is such a normal thing and we shouldn’t try to shame it, I mean we were all a product from it. Sex is normal. We live in a society where we shame people for having sexual interactions with other people. Whether it’s a one night stand with someone new every time or with your significant other every Saturday, it’s okay. As long as there being safe, why is it anybody else’s business. It doesn’t make anybody a “slut” or a “player”, sex is normal. Stop shaming people for it. SEX IS NORMAL. Don’t give someone a body count because of the amount of men or women that they have been with, because frankly that shouldn’t matter to you.

Normalize sex.

‘Sex’ is as important as eating or drinking and we ought to allow the one appetite to be satisfied with as little restraint or false modesty as the other.

 

 

Empty Cut-out Missing

God, it’s getting more and more difficult. I feel so trapped and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m scared of being scared. I overthink everything and I’m trying so hard to stay positive, but I just don’t know how to do this anymore. I watch shows, read books, and take photos. But theres something that always comes up. Friends. I envy all of these shows who bring up friends or even have a huge group of supporters. Books, they create this imaginary notion that I want to have. I want a friend who shows up at my door at 12am because I need a hug. Photography, makes me realize that you can only take so many photos of trees, flowers, and fences before you realize that you rather be seeing a friendly smily through your lens. God, this feeling is eating me alive. I don’t know what to do anymore and it’s making feel depressed. Do I even belong here anymore? Do I have a place on this planet? Or am I just taking up to much space.

 

Rape in this Country

Have you ever put yourself in the position of someone else’s life? We make our own lives to be the worst, but people actually have really bad lives.

All day while cleaning, I was thinking about the topic of rape. I don’t understand how when someone gets rape the other person doesn’t just automatically get convicted. That’s what’s so messed up with our system. We make the men in the society hold this level of obedience towards women. They can get away with just about anything because women will always end up looking bad. “She was wearing a short skirt,” “She didn’t say no,” “She was drunk.” Unless the women says, “yes” or gives you any type of consent, do not touch her. It doesn’t matter if she is your girlfriend, you don’t own her or her body. Under no circumstance is it okay for you to think that just because a women is wearing revealing clothes that she wants to be penetrated. It isn’t okay at all.

The thought of a rape victim testifying in the same room as a rapist while a lawyer tries to turn the page and make it seem like it was her fault. Have you ever thought about this? Imagine the rapists defender being a women. Imagine a female telling you that because you were wearing revealing clothes “you were asking for it.” Have you ever token a step back from your everyday life and realized what kind of world we live in?

According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, 1 in 5 women (1 in 71 men) will be raped in sometime in their life. One in five. And 1 in 4 girls (1 in 6 boys) will be sexually abused before they turn 18 years old. If you aren’t speechless after reading these statistics, you are most likely the problem. Under the age of 18 years old, people are being raped. And not just any “people” but children and teenagers. Most rape victims under the age of 18 more than likely haven’t gone through their period. As you are reading this and as I am writing this, someone could be getting raped right now.

We live in a society where we allowed a sexist homophobe bigot as a president. People in this society looked at him and said, “I want him as my president.” This potential rapist who thinks you should just “grab [women] by the pussy”. Adults with kids, filled in the square next to Donald Trumps name.

Nonetheless, I know I said somethings that by law are required to do, such as a trial. Trials must be done to get justice for rape victims so rapist have lawyers who try to dig them out of the hole they buried themselves in. But these trials that tell rape victims that it was there own fault are the reasons that rape is one of the most under-reported crimes. It is why after rape victims undergo their traumatizing events they don’t go to the police. It’s because this country doesn’t properly prosecute rapist. It’s because this country blames women for revealing to much skin. It’s because this country doesn’t respect women.

If you are victim of rape, do not be afraid to reach out. I don’t know what you are going through, because I personally have never undergoed such traumatizing event. But I do know that you don’t want to hear someone say it’s going to be okay after your experiences but you have to fight for justice. You are not alone. All women are standing by you, and you will get through this. Because you decided to show your shoulders isn’t a reason to live in fear. Reach out.

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 (24 hour hotline)

Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Be strong and courageous. This is what the LORD will do to all the enemies you are going to fight.

– Josua 10:25

Rambling

I am probably one of the most awkwardest people alive. I blame that as to why I don’t have friends. I always take a step back after words spit out of my mouth. How did I just say that? Trust me I’m giving myself a bad time about how I can never hold a “normal” conversation. So I apologize in advance if you have ever talked to me and left with a weird expression on your face. I talk a lot and most of the time I don’t think about what I say when I am saying it.

I guess you can say that it’s because I try to hard to be like everyone else that words just come out and make me not make sense. I get nervous when I talk to people, regardless of who it is that I am talking too. Girl? Nervous. Boy? Nervous. Old man? Nervous. 5 year old kid? Nervous. I can’t help myself. I don’t know what to do to be like everyone else or to just be myself.

I always get left in these situations where I regret approaching someone because the way they think about me after the conversation is most likely negative. I am sorry.

Yesterday my good friend from when I ran track and field and cross country approached me and I didn’t know what to say. I sat there not wanting to say the wrong thing that it made me say exactly that, stupidity. I wanted to congratulate him on his mile time, to ask him about college, to ask how he has been, to exchange numbers, but I didn’t.

I don’t know if that’s because I let my anxiety do a lot of the talking for me or what, but I don’t enjoy talking as much as I did.

Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.

– Proverbs 12:25