Working for Instacart

As many of you know I was living in San Francisco and attending San Francisco State University. I wasn’t living in the dorms so I had to pay out of pocket for my housing on the first of every month. I was also commuting to school so I had to pay for gas and having to cook for myself daily. It got pretty hectic, so one job that was only paying $13.25/hour for 4 days a week and 4-5 hours a week wasn’t enough. I started look into getting a new job. My roommate started telling me about this job called “Instacart” that they only have in the Bay area and I was suddenly interested. Instacart is a job where you shop for peoples groceries and depending on your position you either bag the groceries, look for the groceries, or deliver. This job paid $20/ hour plus tips and on specific days the amount of money you got paid would go up to $30. It was a really good job.

For this job you were given a card to access the back room to pick up the groceries and a credit card for when you had to buy the groceries. I applied to be a delivery driver since I had a car and you were paid double. So for one hour I was making $40 plus tips. Oh and I should also mention that you got to pick your own hours, and it was all on you whether you wanted to work that week.

When I went out into San Francisco I had an open mind and tried to accept the fact this was going to be a new experience for me. I didn’t have any expectations of anything, because I mean this job description was a little to good to be true, right?

My first 3 orders were to go to Target and go to the backroom to access the bags. There is a GPS that tells you exactly where to go and where to park. So when I showed up it told me to go up towards the parking lot, but there was a parking lot down here where I was at, so I thought that my GPS was just confused. I parked and went inside Target and my phone told me to head to the second floor. I accessed the backroom and packed my cart with about 12 HEAVY grocery bags, and realized that you can’t bring shopping carts downstairs. My GPS wanted me to park upstairs for that reason. So I went to go move my car and there was absolutely no parking. I was very stressed out because this job is all about time. The quicker you make the deliveries the more you get paid. Every shift is only an hour long so you have to make 3 deliveries within that hour…in San Francisco. So I was circling the Target parking lot when I finally saw a parking spot. It was a very tine spot, but i figure that if I gave myself enough space I would be able to squeeze through. When I tried to back up so that I could give myself space I realized that a car was behind me and that freaked me out because I was now being pressured to do this faster. At this point my stress levels where really high. So I told myself to just try my best to park into the small space so that the car can go around me and I can fix my car. I was wrong. This lady didn’t even try to go around me but instead honked at me to hurry up. With my stress levels being so high up there I decided to pull out and just look for another parking spot. Unfortunately, as I was doing so I didn’t realize that I was so close to the car next to me. I crushed his whole rear end trying to back up, but when I say this I didn’t see it get crushed I simply just heard my car crushing aluminum and when I checked my rear mirror my car was squishing the rear of this car. I freaked out so bad I didn’t know what to do. I kept pulling out and I didn’t see anything on the car so I drove around looking for another parking spot and I called my mom crying. I told her I hit a car and I don’t know what to do. She told me to go leave a phone number on the windshield but when I went to go look at the car there was absolutely nothing wrong with it. I went in to Target with my groceries and realized that maybe the damage was only on my car, so I examined my car and it was totally fine. Was this God? I saw it with my own eyes. The side of my truck was crushing the rear end of this car. I ended up not leaving any note since the car was totally fine. I didn’t want them to take advantage of me in anyway so I drove off.

Once I had the orders in my car I was heading towards these peoples houses. San Francisco isn’t really a big city, there’s just a lot of traffic that it feels like it takes forever to get to your destination. So when I saw that my car was almost on empty I figured that I could make my last drop off before I got gas. I was so wrong. I hit a street where they were fixing the lights so there was so much traffic. My car started telling me that I needed gas. I was freaking out. I turned on my GPS to take me to the closest gas station which luckily was to the left of me but I was in the middle lane. Drivers in San Francisco are so rude and will not let you merge into their lane. I had a major panic attack. Traffic was so bad the cars weren’t moving for a good 5 minutes and that’s when it happened. My car turned off. Out of gas. In the middle of Divisidero St with about 100-200 cars. I didn’t bother to start my car in hope that it would magically find fuel when the construction guy gave us the go. God is real and God is good. I restarted my car and rudely cut off a car to get into the gas station. The Shell is probably one of the most expensive gas stations, especially when you are in the city.

I ended up calling out of my job where I worked as a T.A because I just wanted to go home and cry. It was a really bad day, but hey I lived to tell it.

The name of the LORD is a fortified tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.

– Proverbs 18:10

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Love Story

This is the story. I am feeling extra lovey dovey towards my boyfriend so this is it. I haven’t talked to him all day and I miss him, so why not reminisce our story. Sit down, grab some popcorn and get ready to read my love story.

I was in the 5th grade. I weighed at least 119 pounds, but my appearance wouldn’t make you think “fat”, because of how I dressed. If that doesn’t make sense to you, what I mean is I always wore sweaters or long sleeve shirts. My clothes were at least a size bigger so you could never really tell that I was fat, since I was so small in height. I was in band. I played the clarinet, more specifically, I was “the girl with the white clarinet”.

I went to an elementary school, Freeman, where I shared my band teacher with the school, Beamer, a couple of blocks away. Since my band teacher, Mrs. Beal, had two band classes, she liked to combine her classes. She would have mandatory band practices with both schools at Beamer Elementary. The room where we practiced had at least 4 rows; first row was flutes, second row was clarinets, third row was saxophone and trumpet, and the last row was drums. No diversity in instruments, I know. Anyways, he sat rights behind me. I didn’t know his name or anything, but I never forget a face. I saw him a lot for band concerts and band practices. He was always there, getting into trouble. I don’t think he ever noticed me because I was your average shy fat girl (not fat shaming, just me shaming).

I would run into him a lot around my small city. This one particular time has stuck with me and it makes me wonder if he ever recognized me. My mom went into a stored called, Aaron  to buy a dresser for my brother, and he was there. He was with his mom, sister, and his brother was in a stroller. He was talking to the lady about a game console that was behind the glass. I was wearing my ICONic Boyz sweat pants and white tank top that revealed my big ol’ belly. I kept looking at him, hoping he would make eye contact with me. He was beautiful. I had never had a boyfriend or ever really held a serious crush for someone beside your average 3rd grade crush. I should probably mention that when I saw him at Aarons, we were in the 7th grade. We left the store before him, but when we started to pull out of our parking spot he was now on the corner with his family. He was really scronny, but most guys where.

8th grade came around and this was the year that I had decided to make a Facebook. I remember adding everyone I knew and being so active. I guess you can say I was addicted to Facebook, but I mean which middle schooler wasn’t? One day, my friend Rafael posted a photo of a Lee Middle School soccer jersey, my middle school, and a Douglas Middle School soccer jersey, my boyfriends middle school. He had something along the lines of, “which team should I play for this year”. I had commented “Lee” and my boyfriend commented, “Douglas”. I clicked on his profile and looked at his profile picture because his name sounded familiar. Geral Chavez, hm… Then it clicked, he was the boy who went to band practice with me. I commented back asking him if he was in band and he said, “yes”. I didn’t reply, beacause I didn’t want to blowup Rafaels notifications. After a couple of minutes, Geral messaged me privately. He started asking me how I knew him and that’s how we really started to get to know each other. We essentially became friends. We exchanged numbers and would spend all day getting to know small details about one another and constantly flirting. That didn’t last, because one day he just didn’t message me back. He left me hanging, and everything we had dissapeared. He made me develop feelings for him and then just cut off any attachment that he had towards me. I hated him. I deleted him off all social media, and hated boys.

Later that year, my band class was going to Disneyland to perform. Well our audition didn’t get accepted so we were going to go watch Douglas perform along with Lee’s choir. Luckily, Geral and I weren’t on the same bus. When we finally made it to the hotel we were staying at in Anaheim, we were in the lobby waiting for everyone to get down for the bus. My back was unawarely turned to him, so when our teacher said, “line up towards the elevators” I turned around to see him standing there. We made eye contact for a good 5 seconds. The whole world went quiet, he was suddenly the only one in the room. Obviously, he wasn’t so when my friend finally shoved me into the elevator, I kept my eyes on him, as did he. I had totally forgot that I had a huge fear for elevators until the doors closed and I almost lost my mind. The whole trip revolved around long stares with no words. When we were finally in Disneyland we would make the awkwardest eye contacts and I honestly just wanted to ask why he never messaged me back. Why he was potentially leading me on again, with those long stared. Why? Why? Why? No answers. On our second day there the Choir was performing and Geral was sitting a couple of rows behind me. He kept turning around and at that point I didn’t want to keep the staring up. I ignored him. I talked to my friends and acted as if he wasn’t there. I could keep writing about all these interactions of long stares that we had, but you get the point.

Some time between this point we had a festival at Woodland high school, my high school, and he was there. I remember walking down the stadium stars to get my instrument case and I saw him kiss a girl, and I didn’t get jealous. This weight lifted off my shoulder like I could finally breathe and not have to receive answers to questions. I was free. I hated him some more and was hoping to never see him again.

I did a lot of community service with Beamer Elementary when I was in high school because of a club that I was in. This one time for Halloween I was working a booth that was doing the ring toss. He was there… with his girlfriend (a different one from earlier). When the event started to die down I decided to go get a cotton candy and he was in front of me but I hadn’t noticed until his friend said his name, so I got out of line and went back to my booth. I sat down on the hay with my friend when a girl with green, very beautiful, sat next to my friend. She started talking to her about how her boyfriend was being immature and how they broke up. Then she said it. She said Geral’s name. He was literally everywhere man.

9th grade came around and I was still in band. Every year all the band groups would gather together and perform a Christmas song at the marching bands. Fun, right? Ha. Well when we were getting lined up, I saw him. He had been staring at me for who knows how long. I had totally forgot about his existence. He looked so handsome. God. If I knew about kissing, that’s probably what I wanted to do… Kiss him. With my luck, Geral was directly behind me in the marching line. His cousin was next to me and this annoying boy was next to me. I was the center of the line, which potentially means that I am in charge of keeping it straight. The guy next to me kept asking if we could switch lines because he was friends with Geral’s cousin. Geral didn’t know that I was next to his cousin, and/or in front of him for that matter. I wanted to keep it that way so I wanted to punch this kid in the face. When we started marching to the starting line, my friend came up to, who went to Geral’s high school, Pioneer, and she jumped on me. Geral was behind me so I bumped him, which was crazy embarrassing. I didn’t turn around to acknowledge him, so he walked away thinking I was just another annoying gal. When we lined up again, the kid tried one more time to switch spots with him, and I was so mad at this point. Geral had noticed that I was in front of him, and I continued to ignore this kid. When we finished marching we had to pick up our instrument cases and he was there again. God I just wanted some answers, but I didn’t get any. I should also mention that this was in December of 2012, when it was said that the world was going to end. I was actually really scared because I didn’t want to die being mad at people, so I did something that my 14 year old thought was reckless. I re-added him on Facebook. I found out he had another girlfriend, who was an old friend of mine who hated me now because I never let her copy my work. So during the Christmas March, he had a girlfriend (different one than mentioned earlier) . I felt hatred for him, because he was leading me on with these stares yet he had a girlfriend. God, why are men such… what’s the word… just fill in the blank.

I was in catechism doing my first year of my confirmation and he was doing his second year. We were in two different classes but we saw each other a lot. It drove me insane. In the class I was in, in order to go to the bathroom, everyone who needed to go had to go as well along with the teachers aide. So this one time I was walking out of the girls bathroom and Geral was walking out of the boys bathroom. His guy friends where talking to him and he was just staring at me. He stopped moving and he just stared at me. I walked straight towards the wall where the rest of the class was. He was still staring at me.

As mentioned earlier, I said I did a lot of community service with Beamer, well I was working the popcorn machine at a movie night. His brother was there, but he didn’t know me. I didn’t know him for that matter either. Earlier that day I created an instagram and automatically followed everyone that I had as a Facebook friend. My instagram account used to be a fangirl account, so I had over 5,000 followers. So when I say I “created” an instagram account what I mean is I stopped being a crazy fangirl whose username was “swagg_ICONiac” and changed it to “batmanigga”. (no it doesn’t say the ‘n’ word which everyone thought it says igga). So after the community service event I went home and logged on to Facebook. I had a message. From who? You guessed right. Geral Chavez. His message read, “how do you have so many followers.” All of a sudden he wanted answers. I threw my computer. On January 19, 2013, we started talking again.

Back to catechism, Geral just wanted to meet up in person. I had never had an actual boyfriend besides this guy I dated in 8th grade who dumped me after a day for being ugly and fat. HA, thanks Daniel, hope you are doing well. Gerals catechism class would get out earlier than mine so he would sit inside of my class and stare at me. I hated it, but I guess it was kinda romantic. My mom picked me up right after catechism, since you couldn’t leave the classroom unless a parent picked you up at the door. We never actually got to old a conversation besides, “hi”. We would write each other letters. This one day I asked to go to the bathroom and he was there waiting for me like he said. My friends came with me because I couldn’t go alone. He hugged me and his little mustache was so cute. I had to go because he had been waiting for me for 30 minutes and his teacher was looking for him. Right before I left my friends said to kiss him. Remind you that I had never kissed a boy before. This was spontaneous, but I did it. I kissed him. He didn’t kiss me nor was he expecting this kiss.

He then asked me to be his valentine and on February 6, 2013 he asked me to be his girlfriend. This has been my favorite story. I know I made him sound like a complete jerk, but you can’t really describe an emotion, so try to put yourself in my shoes. I forgot to say a lot of details, but this is my boy. We have a forever. We continue to fight for one another and I sometimes can catch him staring at me. I love him so much. I’ve been with him since I was 15 years old, and I’ve never wanted to be with anybody else since then. He really such a great guy and he takes care of me very well. We continue to learn and teach each other about one another everyday. Our relationship carries flaws, but I wouldn’t change it. His smile still gives me butterflies till this day. The way he laughs about the smallest things makes me smile crazy. I can listen to him talk about anything any day. He has been such a great friend to me and know when to be serious. He accepts my anxiety and helps me everyday. Just a couple of months ago I had to come home due to my mental illness and I couldn’t be alone. My anxiety made me freak out because I was traumatized from that night at the gas station. He woke up at 6am and came to my house. He laid in bed with me and held me and told me everything was going to be okay. Words will never be able to justify how much of a good guy he is, so just trust me on this one.

This is my love story.

 

Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.

– Romans 13:10

Westlake Apartments

Back in July to August of 2016, I got screwed over by one of my friends (stay tuned for that blog entry) and was obligated to look for roommates/housemates on Facebook. By obligated I mean, if I wanted to attend San Francisco State University I was going to have to look for a place to stay. I didn’t get a dorm so I had to find an apartment.

I eventually found one with a girl name Laura and her boyfriend. It took awhile to find that 4th roommate but we did it. I paid $793/ month to share a bedroom with a stranger.

I lived in Daly City in the Westlake apartments, which are located in front of the shopping plaza. The apartment I lived in was a 2 bedroom 1 bathroom. In the first bedroom it was my female roommate, Aileen, and I and in the other other bedroom it was a female, Laura, and her boyfriend, whose name I believe was Jose. Aileen and I both had our individual beds, obviously, and Laura and Jose shared a bed. To most people, common sense would be to give the people with two beds the bigger bedroom right? Well not to them. I discovered that there bedroom was bigger than mine when I was helping Jose surprise Laura he gave me permission to enter their room. This was when I realized that she was very inconsiderate and not a nice person. She was in a sorority which I took a part in but they all ended up being a hot mess, also look out for this blog entry.

The first couple of weeks of living here I adapted rather quickly to everyones schedule and learned to stay out of everyones way.  The whole time that I lived there I learned to stay out of the kitchen from 6-8pm to avoid small talk. It wasn’t that I didn’t like them and didn’t want to talk to Laura or Jose but I got a weird vibe from them every time I ran into the in the house. I had a feeling that they didn’t like me so I tried to keep our conversations to the very minimum.

As for my roommate, it took her a couple of weeks before she took over the whole bedroom. When you walked into the bedroom my bed was directly in front of the door IMG_1296and Aileen’s bed was diagonally to the right from the door, in front of the closet door. In that room I only had my bed and one of those small white cubes from Target. Where as she had her bed, a bigger white cube, a mirror, her laundry basket and a huge drawer vanity like dresser that took up most of the room. I didn’t feel at home at all.

In October we began to get a very bad and problem that was getting all over over food in the kitchenScreen Shot 2017-04-12 at 6.51.01 PM. It was disgusting and I was the only one that killed them. By November they were in the bathroom and the bedrooms. Once we hit December a rat managed to infest our apartment. I come from a Mexican family that taught me to make sure my house is clean before I go out. The dishes had to be washed and my bedroom had to be clean. And that even though you can’t see the dirt on the floor, the table, or the couch, it’s there. I cleaned that apartment so mu50300220039__A8C6954A-F838-4CD9-8343-D60DAF9D8992ch. I don’t even think Aileen ever laid a finger on the broom. The ants really bothered me and it also got me furious how nobody did anything about it. Bugs don’t belong in your food. If you sent anything in the counter within a matter of seconds there would be ants all over it. I’m not sure why there were so many ants but when your roommate would leave the dishes to pile up for days, leave her food to rot, and never wipe the counters… it answered itself. It really stressed me out to know that nobody iimg_2730.pngnIMG_2731 the apartment besides me was trying to get it to be clean. I don’t like bugs in my food. This one time I made pasta and it lasted one day. Within one day there were ants all over the spoons and in the pot. This is when I began to stop eating because my food would always be covered in ants.

My roommate, Aileen, constantly let her boyfriend49835359899__6CD85A93-15C6-4649-9EFD-92D0621E55DC sleep in my bed whenever I would go back home for the weekend. How did I know? Well she would always text me, “when are you coming back,” which at first I thought she would text me because I thought she was my friend and wanted to hangout. Second, I would come back to find things on my bed that belonged to him. Third, she would make my bed in a way that I would never do. Fourth, she once told me the following words while on a hike, “whenever my 50646821472__3852D84E-E823-434F-8173-790C267C40CFboyfriend spends the night he can’t sleep on the same bed as me because I snore– so he sleeps in another room”. The first time it was an ear plug, didn’t think much of it. Second time, I found his watch under the covers and when I texted her she told me that he had sat on my bed. Which I wasn’t okay with because she would tell me how she didn’t like it when strangers sat on her bed, yet her boyfriend slept in mine? Third time, was another set of earplugs that where in my pillow case. After my anxiety issue at the fire house, I stayed back home with my parents for 2 weeks and she took complete advantage of that. She disrespected my things and she didn’t even care that while I was back at the hospital she was letting her disgusting boyfriend sleep in my bed. When I finally came back to the apartment, all of my things were on the floor, there were food crumbs on my bed, a random pillow, dirty ear plugs and a weird smell. I was in disgust. I had brought a tv into our bedroom because I thought we could use it for movie nights, but she had a different plan for it. Sex nights with her boyfriend. I’m not going to slut shame her so i’m not going to discuss her sexual activity that was done in that apartment.

My food. I worked 16 hours a week for $13.25 an hour. Food is expensive in San Francisco. Everyone who lives with roommates experiences having their food being eaten. I remember I would buy a dozen donuts from Krispy Kreme for around $10. I don’t eat a heavy breakfast nor do I like to drink coffee in the morning, so I liked to always have a donut in my car for after my classes. I would offer Aileen a donut, but she would take that as an invitation to not only eat the whole box but to offer it to her boyfriend. They were my donuts. Also, during the two holidays that I was there, Halloween and Christmas I liked to buy treats to use as decorations. I would buy a jar and out candies in them, because I am a very festive person. Within a day, Aileen’s boyfriend would just eat them all. Why? I want to know why there parents didn’t teach them a thing or two about respect what isn’t theres.

There was also this one time during Halloween where Aileen, Laura, and I carved pumpkins. It was probably one of the only times where I had hope and was willing to forgive them for being disgusting. Within a couple of days our pumpkins began to rot and attract bugs so Laura and I threw ours away. Aileen didn’t throw hers away until late November. At that point her orange pumpkin was black and had bugs crawling out of it. Laura and I had a small inside joke about this incident. It really just makes me question how people can’t be clean. It isn’t hard. I don’t even expect them to clean the house on a daily, but if they could at least try to be tidy it would’ve helped my situation.

I ordered some packages to the apartment and I have yet to get a text from any of them telling me that they have arrived. I received an e-mail saying that they have been delivered. It is more than one packages. As a matter of fact, I believe it’s 6-7 packages. Here is the link that says that it is illegal to open someone else’s mail: click here. You are committing a crime. But Aileen, I guess you are used to crime, since you allow your boyfriend to drink and drive. The day you asked me to go to a club with you and that your boyfriend and you were going to pregame and then drive to the event, you were basically asking me to risk my life. Inconsiderate. You’re old, Aileen, learn to mature. Grow up.

I’m not a confrontational person and try to avoid problems the most that I can so I never confronted any of them. I was in a new city, at a new school, potentially starting my new life. I didn’t want problems and I know that by posting this I risk them seeing it, but I want them to know that they weren’t good roommates/housemates. Laura, you cleaned but you did it in such a nasty way, no te enseno tu madre? Aileen, your like what? 23? And you can’t grab the Swifter and clean up? Jose, you were a good person so I have nothing to say to you. You always tried to make small talk but I’m socially awkward so I guess i’ll apologize for not being able to hold a conversation. Perdon.

Nonetheless, this post was a form of letting this out. I have held this anger for a while now and its time to forgive and forget. It is now in my past and I will be deleting them out of my life. The past is behind me and it’s time to take a step forward.

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

– Colossians 3:13

4th Grade Sexual Assault

One of the jobs that I held in San Francisco was a teachers aide for a company. The company had many school sites and the one that I worked at was next to Golden Gate Park. I worked Monday-Friday from 2pm to 6:15pm, but it took me half an hour to get there so I left my apartment at 1pm. The road I took to get to work was always under construction and there was always so much traffic. It was insane. Plus most people in San Francisco do not know how to drive. As well as the fact that this school had no parking lot so it took me up to 45 minutes to find parking. I would park at the top of this hill next to Buena Vista Park. That hill kicked my butt every day after work. This is just a small background detail that I thought you should know and you can get an idea of how stressed out I got before work.

In every class there is that one kid who acts out and tries to be the class clown. I get it, you’re trying to fit in and you’re in the 4th grade so you don’t know any better. I get it. I used to be in your shoes and sometimes making your friends laugh was the better choice than obeying your teachers.

The way that this was arranged was every teacher got a teachers aide and they all got 25 students within the same grade. The teacher that I assisted ended up quitting so there was never an actual teacher. In other words there were always substitutes. No teachers aide was aloud to be left alone with their students because they don’t have the credentials to do so.

There was this boy. His name was Charles and he was the only Caucasian boy in that class. I worked at a school that was mainly Chinese. There was also this caucasian girl who was bullied by everyone. Her name was Ashton and she was always doing her own thing. She wore a wolf hat and liked video games. Charles did everything in his power to make her life miserable while they were in the same room. No matter how hard teachers tried, it was his goal to make Ashton’s life a living hell.

I am 5’1 and 125 pounds so I can easily be knocked over. Most of the students are actually taller than me. I am not muscular and don’t like racing my voice either. Which I know that if you are going to work in a school you need to do so. I was fairly new so I didn’t want the kids to hate me so I liked to “keep it cool”. I was once in there shoes and I know the difference between joking around and being a bully. As someone who was bullied for being chubby, I can fairly identify when people are being rude.

This kid, Charles, was very sexual. When I say this Im not talking about an inappropriate 10 year old, i’m talking about the real thing. Working at an elementary school you get used to hearing these kids say “dirty” jokes and laugh at the work ‘butt’. You get immune to it and learn to steer away from certain words. But with Charles, it was always about humping, fucking, hitting, and feeling superior to other kids. We held monthly meetings to talk about how we can control his type of behavior.

This one day I was assigned a very irresponsible substitute teacher. This whole day I was left alone with the students. Which if you don’t remember, I stated earlier that this wasn’t aloud because I didn’t have the credits to do so. Charles is only there 3 days out of the week so that day just happened to be a Wednesday. The teacher had no idea what to do and was focusing on only one kid, who let me tell you never acted out. That day he was being very rude, but he was the most polite kid in the whole class. When it was play time we took them out to the yard 20 minutes early, in which the teacher felt the need to take this kid to the office and leave me alone. We went out to the yard earlier, therefore no other classes where out there, so I had no help. I should also say that within every teacher and teachers aide there is always a walkie talkie which the teacher always holds. In my case, the teacher left with the walkie talkie and left me to supervise 24 students. Most teachers would have had me take the student up to the office, but no not this guy. When he left I decided to sit on the bench because I was tired. I still had a perfect view of all the students, because most of them were either on the play structure or doing homework on the tables. One of the girls, Xophiee, came up to me and continued to teach me 1-10 in Mandarin. When out of the nowhere I hear Ashton screaming. I turn over and see her on one of the tables with her pants down and Charles on top of her. All of his friends are around him cheering him on and I run towards them. I kept asking myself, “what do I do?” I walk Ashton to the bench, because I am not aloud to carry students. I ask her what happened, because although I know what happened it’s protocol to get the students point of view. She tells me that Charles is mean and that her butt really hurts. I look over to Charles who is now dancing on top of the table. I walk over to him, leaving Ashton on the bench, and yell at him. He then comes very close to me and says, “what are you going to do, i’m taller than you”. Then shoves me.

I am 18 years old, don’t have my phone on me because it’s against the rules, I don’t have a walkie, and I am alone with 24 students. I wanted to take matters into my own hands but I also didn’t want to go to jail and I lived in San Francisco and needed the money. So I sent one of my students along with a buddy to go tell the on site coordinator that if I don’t get a teacher down on yard 5 in 10 minutes I will walk out those doors. It sounds harsh, but I was under a lot of stress. This kid was a potential threat to all the other students so I was very scared for my own well being as well.

I say this because in the meetings that we held with him we have talked about other incidents. This boy, 3rd grader, reported to his parents that Charles was getting a little to sexual with him. They aren’t a loud to be in the same room. If you are ever in a room with him and you have your back turned to him, he will do something inappropriate to you. I have also seen him grab other students by their waist and do a thrusting motion.

I know that if you have made it this far you are probably asking why he hasn’t been kicked out of this after school program or why authorities haven’t taken him. I don’t have an answer for you, but he does go to some type of therapy for this.

He has done other horrible things, but they don’t have to do with this topic so I will avoid including them for the sake of the length. This kid was horrible and it was never a good time when he was around. He was violent, impulsive, rude, and other things as well. With out a doubt, if this kid doesn’t get some real help and start changing for the better, he will end up in jail. I don’t know what kind of charges he was up against regarding Ashton, but if she was my daughter I would’ve made sure he paid.

I understand that to some people this might not be “my story to tell”, but it really is. I am a female who will one day have kids of her own. Besides that, I was there. I witnessed things within feet away. I’m 18 years old and it sucks how if a minor attacks someone over the age of 18 and it falls back on them. When you are personally in a situation like this, what do you do? When you can’t go and run to tell another teacher because that would mean leaving 23 students with this kid. I have avoided using the ‘r’ word throughout this whole blog entry, because I don’t know what is really going on with him. I don’t know if its because he witnesses this at home or if this actually happening to him at his home. I don’t know his full story, so I am telling you it from my point of view, making it my story to tell.

Let this be a lesson learned to any parents reading this to teach your kids to respect others and be nice. I understand they might not know better, but why not? At the end of the day the only person that falls back on is their guardians. Are you working to much and not paying attention to your kid? Are you letting your kids be around sexual predators? Are you constantly asking your kid if they are okay? Are you there for your kid? Do you spend time with them?

See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.

– Matthew 18:10

The Hospital

I have never and will continue to never like hospitals. The smell of death roams those halls and the visits to the E.R drain me out of life. Here are some memories that I have of the hospital.

When I was in the first grade I spend December in the hospital because of my appendix. Recovery was awful. I remember not being able to eat any of the foods I wanted to eat. I would cry because I had to eat the foods that the hospital gave me and I didn’t like it. I remember my brother going to the mall with my uncle to go buy nachos for mom and I told them if they could bring me some. When they came back with my nachos the nurse told me that I couldn’t eat it, and later brought in a tray of jello and apple juice. Having to walk after days of laying in bed was very painful. I was very weak and didn’t have any strength to get out of bed. My dad told me that Santa Clause was downstairs giving away toys to all the kids in the hospital who did at least 5 laps around our floor. This really motivated me to get up so the nurse held the pole that my IV was connected to and my mom helped me on my left side. It was very painful. But I did it.

This hospital trip occurred in January of this year. I was very nauseated and my anxiety was very high. I felt very weird and uncomfortable. When I got there they instantly made me give them a pee sample and continued to only ask me questions about my sex life. I lied because my mother was present, but regardless of that I knew I was free from any virus and was not pregnant. I still had to pee. I hadn’t been able to drink or eat anything for a couple of days so I couldn’t urinate a good amount of pee into the cup. It was a very small amount, but there was pee in the cup.img_2568 I was then given water and asked to pee in the cup again. I was eventually able to get more pee in the cup and they were able to run testing on it. When they came to the realization that I wasn’t pregnant or had a urine infection they threw away there “she’s nauseated because she’s pregnant and is having anxiety because she doesn’t know how to tell her mother” concept. Throughout the whole visit the doctor kept making jokes about how I wasn’t pregnant, which was making me mad. When a female doctor came in she gave me an anti-nausea pill and a pill to help with my anxiety. The pills didn’t do anything but we left because I wasn’t going to receive any help.

The most recent trip to the hospital was in February. Anxiety was running throughout my whole body and I needed to throw-up. I couldn’t sleep or eat. I hadn’t ate for a couple of days and for only slept for 27 hours that whole week. I was low on energy and I felt like I was going to pass out at any point. Once I peed in the cup I laid on the bed and the nurse came in and examined my stomach and mouth. I was dehydrated and hyperventilating due to my anxiety. She hooked me up to the IV which was so painful. I hate needles. It was in my left forearm near my elbow. It hurt. First she gave me water for my dehydration. It was cold and I felt it in my back and all over my img_2573arms. It was a weird feeling. Then she put the anxiety medication in through the needle. This is where I lost it. While she was injecting me with it she told me that if I didn’t try to calm my anxiety my face was going to go numb and my hand were going to cramp so bad that they were going to start fold back. I freaked out more because my face got so numb while she told me that. I wave of dizziness hit me hard. The medication hit me instantly. I felt like I was going to pass out because within seconds of injecting me I felt it. I started concentrating on my breathing and trying to slow it down. The numbness from my right cheek and my arm began to go away and I was no longer dizzy. It was now 3am and my dad was going to leave to work. Heres the thing you should know about me, I am a big dimg_2572addys girl, especially when I am sick. I love my mom, but I don’t like not having my dad by my side when I am sick. My dad makes me feel protected and safe, I love him a lot. After crying and begging him not to leave, he eventually had to go to
work. I understood and began to focus more on trying to calm down so we could leave. We had to get a certain amount of water into my body (excuse me if water isn’t the right term i’m not sure what the exact name is) and wait for my anxiety to go away fully, before we cold leave. I was miserable and just wanted to sleep.

I am obviously forgetting a lot of hospital visits such as the time I was on roller skates and tripped over a hole and sprained my wrist, but these are the only ones I can really remember. I thought I would share these life experiences because although life got hard, I am okay now. So here’s to life.

Dear friend, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well.

– John 1:2

Triggers

The last episode of 13 Reasons Why was very triggering. I’ve been seeing all these trigger warnings all over social media but I didn’t really feel like it applied to me. I was wrong. On the last episode, Hannah Baker is slitting her wrist and the feeling of metal against my skin came to me, instantly.

It made me press pause and take a step back and really look at what i’ve really overcame in life. Overcoming depression isn’t something that a lot of people get to say that they did. But I do. I was once a victim of self harm. I am 617 days clean from self harm and I think I need to give my self more props on that. I was once living in a moment where I needed to get rid of my pain by hurting myself. I don’t feel the need to do that anymore, because I have learned to look at the beauty of life. Life is worth living and I have been so grateful for every breath of air I have taken. For all I know I could have ended my life. I would be lying if I said I don’t have days where I wish I wasn’t alive. It’s not normal and I feel like at one point in my life I got so numb to that feeling that it was weird if I didn’t feel like dying. Saying I wanted to die are really strong words that people tend to just blurt out and it’s crazy to me because most people if not all don’t mean it. Where as I was hoping that day would come soon.

Schools don’t offer that type of help to students, or at least not the one I went to. Nobody takes the topic of feeling depressed or suicidal serious because of how much people joke around with it. It’s an actual feeling that eats away at peoples brains.

As someone who has cried in my bedroom floor for months feeling hopeless, I hope that if you need help you reach out. Life is worth living, I promise. Don’t let small negative road bumps knock you down, because nobody knows you more than you know yourself. It’s a bad day not a bad life. Reach out to a family member, a friend, a counselor, a hotline, a doctor, a stranger, anybody. I promise that anybody will rather have you at their front door at 2am than have to attend your funeral. Live. Take everyday slow and learn to take a step back every now and then to know that everything is going to be okay.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1−800−799−7233

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

– Jeremiah 29:11

Illegal Park Parking?

This story has been on my mind all week and I thought I should share it, because it’s definitely a good one.

So in 2015, on my boyfriends birthday, we didn’t get to hang out because he had school and soccer practice. I was devastated because I wanted to hang out with him, as does every girl with her man. The only time he was able to hang out was after practice which was at 8pm, so I took it. We ended up getting some frozen yogurt to go, because there was a lot of people in there. We decided to go to a park, walking distance from his house, and sit at one of the benches and just talk.

The park was located around in a neighborhood with very small streets so if 2 cars going the opposite way were on the street one would have to sort of pull over and give the other guy a chance. Especially since, people parked their vehicles out on the street making the street even more narrow. At the time I didn’t have a car so I would use my moms big truck. Another small detail you should know is that I only had my license for about 5 months and I had to wear glasses when driving any vehicle. Oh and also, my moms car didn’t have an updated license plate because it was being mailed. My mom had warned me about this before giving me the keys to her truck so uh… foreshadow.

I pulled into the street where the park was located and pulled over to park. It ended up being freezing cold so we decided to just eat our frozen yogurt in the car while being parked next to a park at around 8:30ish (pm). Within 10 minutes a car pulls up behind us with very bright headlights and they just stay behind us. I got very scared because I potentially thought they were going to do something to us. These people had there top headlights so bright that you couldn’t see the car at all. All that I could see from my seat was a bright light. After 3-4 minutes I turned to my boyfriend, and said, “do you think they are trying to pass by but they don’t fit so they are waiting for us?” My boyfriend said yes, so I turned on my car and began to drive away. I drove at about 3 mph because once again it was a very narrow street and I was in a big truck. I didn’t get very far from the car behind us, when a man wearing all black comes sprinting out of his car and in front of the truck. IN FRONT OF THE TRUCK. I quickly turn around to my boyfriend and go “what the hell?!” I look up to my mirror and see red and blue lights flashing. I was being pulled over by a cop… sort of. I rolled down my window and a women comes walking to my car while the male cop that ran in front of the truck is standing by the passenger door, where my boyfriend is located. I turn to the female cop and she says, “You don’t ever drive away from a cop hun.” Crazy me would’ve gone off on her because shining your headlights at someone does not properly signal that you are a cop. But sadly, scared me responded with, “I didn’t know you were a cop.” And she continues to telling me that it is illegal to park next to a park after 7pm. Excuse me, hold up. What? I turned to my boyfriend and made a confused face. I didn’t say anything because I was confused at the stupidity of that law that I know for a fact isn’t real. I was young but not dumb. She then asks for my license and registration and my boyfriends information. This is where I got defensive, because you pulled me over not him. I told her his name and then questioned her as to why she needed it. She ignored me and then I told her. “We are literally just here eating frozen yogurt because it is his birthday. You are by all means more than welcome to check my car for whatever it is that you might think we have.” I handed her my papers and she walked away. I called my mom and told her what was happening, and she got mad at me. My boyfriend was very afraid due to his citizenship standing. I was a very educated 16 year old so I knew all of my rights. The lady then came back and told me to hang up the phone and continued to say, “I understand you are just here having dinner but you cant be parked here. Your plaques are expired but we just ran the documents and it says they are up to date.” Right behind where this cop pulled us over where 2 cars parked next to the park, so I could tell her logic was wrong. She handed me my license and papers back and then tells us we can go. I didn’t get a ticket, which I am very grateful about, but she pulled me over for the wrong reasons. Well I was already pulled over so technically I wasn’t pulled over. Anyways, she could have given me a ticket for not wearing my glasses and/or driving with someone in the car before my 11 month license mark. But she didn’t so thank you to her. Kind of.