Dear... · writing

Dear God,

Sometimes I find it difficult to reach out to you. Do you hear me like I hear myself talking to you? Do my prayers reach you? Can you hear me?

I’m having a really hard time trying to ground myself. I feel like part of the reason why you can’t hear me is because of my thoughts. How could one of your creations feel so negative about herself.. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for all the negative thoughts in my brain, I can’t help but to feel. Suicidal. A feeling that nobody takes serious. A feeling that once it is said out loud people seek help and you get about one hundred medications thrown inside of you and you get locked into a room. I’m claustrophobic and already about so many medications running through my veins.

I feel like nobody wants me here. I’m trying to find someone that loves me as much as you do, but I can’t. Does my boyfriend really love me or is he with me because he feels sorry for me? I’m sure you have been watching me from up there, I am not like everyone else. I’m different. I talk so much and I feel more than most people can.

You see, I sometimes feel like my boyfriend doesn’t want to be with me. Is it just my thoughts interfering with my life? Is it my anxiety? I have nobody to talk to about my relationship… because he’s my rock. He’s the one I go to for everything, so when I need to talk about him… do I tell him? Do I ask him if he still loves me? Do I pretend to be okay?

Life has been good, but it’s still rough. I don’t have to tell you that though, you have my whole future laid out. So is this all happening for a reasoning? Did I work so hard in high school just so that my future at San Francisco State would be a waste? Did I work so hard to cry over not being able to take my lab course? I can’t sit in a drive thru line for longer than 20 minutes without having a panic attack. How am I suppose to sit in a 5 hour lab course? How?

I feel this hatred towards writing now… but you know that. I keep stopping after every word that I type and tell myself to close my macbook. I keep getting F’s on my papers in my english course and all of the negative feedback that my english professor at SFSU comes crawling back. I have been running through obstacles when it comes to writing. Nobody likes it but I love it. My blogs are always all over the place because it’s just me writing as my brain poops out a thought but my essays.. they’re good. I mean I think they are. I work so hard on them and it’s like my professors grab a microscope and look for any mistakes possible.

Photography. I hate it now. I can’t believe I said that out loud. I hate photography. My brother used to make jokes and say that my instagram and facebook page name “IHxPhotography” stood for “I hate photography”. It’s weird how life has a way of doing shit, right? It sounds dumb, but it has just become more of a job that I hate going to rather than a hobby that I speed through yellow lights just to get home and edit. I have 7 photoshoots sitting in my SD card waiting to be edited. Seven. I have prom photos this Saturday as well as 4 senior photo session this coming week. I am so behind. I love that people appreciate and like my work and that my clients are recommending me but I need a break. I feel like if I don’t get a minute of having empty SD cards and being able to sleep before 12 am I am going to end up in the hospital again. I am doing to much. Minutes before opening up my laptop and writing this really bad blog post I told myself that I was going to cancel on the quinceañera sessions that I have booked for June, the 2 in July, and August. I physically and mentally cannot take on such a big project. I can’t. For all those people reading this that have the mindset of “everyones becoming a photographer” or “being a photographer is easy”- I want to see you try. My feet hurt 24/7. I spent up to 18 hours for a photoshoot where I was on my feet all day. I got drunk before the day ended of course, but I still had to go home and spend the next two weeks editing those photos while still booking more clients during those times. And God, I am not complaining for this amazing job that allows me to work while trying to handle my anxiety- BUT I AM MAKING MY ANXIETY WORSE.

This is what I missed about writing. Before writing this blog post I was very suicidal, i will even say that I was going to cause some real damage to my body. Everytime I get towards the ending I remember to not take life so serious. We all die in the end and nobody will remember us, because they will die too.

Diosito mio, gracias por escuchar mis problemas.

When you wish to talk to someone, talk to Jesus, He loves to hear you speak.”

Dear... · writing

Dear Mom,

Happy Mothers day, again. With all my love I am more than happy to be able to reserve three days for you this month. You deserve that and much more. If I could give you the moon, I would. If I could give you endless plane rides to Mexico, I would. If I could give you a personal show to watch Vicente Fernandez, I would. One day, 24 hours, 1440 minutes, 86400 seconds, isn’t enough time to designate a day for you. You’re a mom. You pushed three kids out of you, and I ripped you! You work at a warehouse and you’re a full-time mom! I mean for crying out loud, you deserve a month! Haha. God, I love you mom.

Thank you for those sleepless nights that you put yourself through just to make sure I am okay. For playing with my hair as you repeatedly tell me that it’s going to be okay, while I am crying and slowly falling asleep. I know that you probably get at the most 5 hours of sleep, I am deeply sorry. Nonetheless, I appreciate you more than ever. I know that when I need you, you will always be there for me. Wether it’s at 3am or at 2pm, you are always there. Thank you. There isn’t enough money in the world to be able to repay you for everything that you have done for me.

God blessed me with such a beautiful mother and I am beyond thankful for him. Besides your beauty, you are an angel. You put others before yourself, even if you don’t even know them. I acknowledge that so much about you. You are kind and caring. I wish everyone was like you. You don’t judge and you are a good listener. You always look out for your family, and God knows you only have good intentions.

You did a hell of a job raising three kids. My older sister, Anabel, has grown to be a beautiful educated young lady. Thank you for making her into someone that is now and forever will be my role model. My little brother, Geronimo, is still learning everyday but he never gives up and he gets that from you. I see a little of you in my siblings and in myself. I love having you as my mother and being able to say that I am your daughter.

You are such a supportive mother who only wishes the best upon everyone. You welcomed me back home with open arms and didn’t once hesitate. You love me unconditionally. You taught me that bad outcomes only make me stronger.

You are my best friend. You know how to keep a secret and not to judge me based on my mistakes. You give some of the best advice, even though I hardly ever take it. You have stood next to me while in the hospital every single time. God knows where I’d be without such a supportive mother like you. Te quiero bien mucho.

You go everyday with strength and always hold your head up high. You have diabetes but you still conquer every day. They say superheroes don’t exist but mom, you are my hero. I aspire to be like you. You had nothing but you still managed to give me everything. You walked the hot desserts of Mexico and came to America for a better life. For your future kids who are now thanking you for everything. We may not have gold, but we have you. Your rays of sunshine make us see pass all the negatives and realize that family is all we need.

You taught me how to tie my shoes, how to speak Spanish, how to walk, how to sew, how to have faith, how to cook, how to talk, and most importantly you taught me how to love. Estas pa ti chula. I may not be in a good spot in life right now, but God gave me you. You’re that light at the end of the tunnel waiting for me with open hands. Eres la mejor.

Thank you for being such a great mother, daughter, wife, sister, aunt, cousin, stranger, etc. With you there is no such thing as a bad day. I love you and all of your positivity. You are the reason for my being, so I will live my life to make sure you keep a smile on your face. Here’s to one of the greatest mothers, I love you so much.


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She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
– Proverbs 31:24-30
Dear... · writing

Dear Lissett

Your birthday was yesterday and I strictly refused to congratulate you on your 19th birthday. For my birthday you snap chatted me at like 11:55pm, 5 minutes before my birthday ended and you sent a photo that said “Happy Birthday.” You couldn’t even write “Happy Birthday” with your own words.

Nonetheless, I really do hope that you had an amazing birthday. I saw that you had a little get together and I hope it was fun. And that the wish on the candle you blew out comes true. Theres nothing more than happiness that I am wishing for you. As an old friend I want to see you succeed and be the person that you wish to be. I’ve really seen you grow as a person and I madly respect you for that. There are many character traits that you obtain that I wish I could have. As a runner, I looked up to your strength and your energy. You were (hopefully you still are) such a happy girl. Always smiling and even when you weren’t you still were. You have this magic in you to make any negative situation into a positive one.

To be honest with you, when I imagined getting married I pictured you being one of my bridesmaids. You were that one friend that I always wished I had. You are so nice and so comforting to be around. I’ve always wanted a friend that I can hug and cry in front of about the smallest things and you were exactly that friend. It really does suck to have to say that we are no longer friends. We have both moved on and have gone our ways, but once again, I wish nothing but the best for you.

That whole saying about how high school friends won’t be your friends after high school is bullshit. I hate how people think that if you still hang out with your high school friends you are a low life. I hate it. I guess you can call it a stereotype, but I don’t know the right word for it. I bring this up because I don’t know if you applied to this me. When I found out that my health was really bad, you were the first one I texted. I didn’t even tell my mom or my boyfriend, I texted you. I reached out and I got nothing in response. I didn’t let that define our friendships because we both know my phone doesn’t really work. I gave you a second shot and assumed my phone just wasn’t getting texts. The thing is that you never reached out. Never. I understand that this isn’t high school and that you aren’t obligated to “watch over me”, but I really did look at you as more than a friend. I know we fought and we had our differences, but my sister and I have those all the time. I waited for a “lets go get…” text for a while. I sound like a crazy girlfriend, but I am still really hurt that you never reached out.

I was never really the best of friends to you. High school was a really difficult time for me. There was so much change occurring all at once and I didn’t carry trust when it came to friendships. A specific friend that I hung out with a lot took that from every friend that I will ever encounter in my life. I apologize if you ever felt attacked by me, but I felt the need to protect myself at all causes. There were also times were I felt like I had to choose sides between you and her. This girl strongly disliked you and every time I was around her she just wanted to talk about you. Overtime I realized that maybe her hate was reasonable, which made me take a few steps back from our friendship. I was wrong, because you are such an amazing friend, which I eventually realized.

I still remember our first conversation. I was walking to class in 8th grade and you came up to me. That’s something I love about you, you love meeting people. You had your purple backpack and you told me “Your dating Danny huh?” And he had just broken up with me for being fat, and you asked me if I wanted you to kick his ass. You didn’t even know me but you had my back. You obviously didn’t hurt him, but your words were comforting. Your presence has always been nothing but that. I loved playing sports with you and constantly complaining about school work.

You knew more than just my drama, and the homework assignments I didn’t understand. You knew about my depression and my anxiety. You never once judged me nor made me feel indifferent about it in situations. I remember this one time I was having a panic attack at our powderpuff game and you stayed by my side. You ignored the game and you focused on calming me down. I love you for that, and I hope God can repay you for that. There are so many other situations were you always offered your shoulder to cry on, your ritz to eat, your homework to copy, your car to give me rides, and your friendship.

Regardless of this, I am still here. If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, a ride, a roof, food, advice, anything I am here. I’ve been trying to keep up with you through social media outlets, because although we no longer talk, I still care about you. You were a really good friend who I wish nothing but the best for. I hope college is going well and that you are falling in love with your major. I saw your snapchats of you in Paris, and really just wanted to comment on them. I wanted to talk to you. But I will keep my distance and keep rooting for you. I am not on your bad side. Keep doing great things and happy late birthday Lissett.

You will forever be my twin, love you Liss.

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One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

– Proverbs 18:24

Dear... · writing

Dear God,

I can’t do this anymore. Why me? My education is gone. My friends are gone. My family doesn’t listen. My boyfriend can’t help me. I am sitting in these four walls talking to you. Have mercy on me. I can’t with all of this anymore.

When my mom asks why I don’t go out, what do I say? When my dad asks why I don’t have friends, what do I say? When my little brother asks me about college, what do I say? When my sister asks why I can’t go on a plane, what do I say? When my boyfriend invites me to his soccer games, what do I say?

God, give me hope. Give me something to look forward to. Give me motivation. I have nothing to live for anymore. I am scared of death so I decide to lock myself away in my room sort of like when I had depression in 7th grade.

God, these tears should be from laughing to hard. These tears should be from seeing my mom after being away from home because of college. These tears should be from everything but the fear that I hold.

Dios mio, que tengo que hace para que me escuches. Me siento sola y muerta. Mi cerebro se siente como si se va reventar. Mis pensamientos están por todos lados y veo puro negro.

I’m only human. I’m 5’2 and 120 pounds. I’m small. I can only take so much sadness into my body before it all blows. I’m tearing. I’m drowning. Help me, God.

Dear... · writing

Dear Viri,

Happy Late Birthday Viri!! I know you read my blogs so I’ll know you’ll see this. I gave you a birthday present without a birthday card which is something I normally don’t do. So I guess you can say this blog post is your birthday card.

I know I was late on your birthday present so I am sorry! But regardless, I really do hope that your birthday was filled with smiles. You are one of the sweetest people that I have her met and i’m so grateful that we are still friends. It makes me really happy to see you so full of life and that you always have such a radiant smile on your face. I hope you and your boyfriend are doing good. Let me just tell you that having a boyfriend is such a beautiful feeling so keep him girl.

So happy that you will be attending Sacramento State in the fall. College is hard but it’s definitely worth it, I promise. Don’t ever give up on your education and most importantly don’t ever give up on yourself. Although you are going to be close by to home if you ever need anything or anybody, you have my number. Don’t ever be afraid to reach out at whatever time. If you ever need a ride, a place to stay, food, money, someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, or any other type of help, i’m here for you. Even though we don’t talk on an every day basis, i’m here for you. I wish you nothing but the best. I know that you will do great things in life because you are amazing.

A word of advice, write. Jot down your days and your experiences, you won’t regret it. Buy a notebook or a journal or write on your iPhone notes. Write. You’ll look back on it and see how far you’ve grown as a person. And from someone who had to move back home, take it easy. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. You are going to be just fine. You can do it. Party, focus on school, go on adventures, meet new people, study, and join everything. But also, take time for yourself. Learn to take a step back and give yourself a minute to breathe. Skip a weekend of partying and treat yourself. It’s so important. But most importantly Viri, realize that it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to feel like giving up. It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to not pass a class. If you are giving it your your all then maybe it’s a message from God. Move on. You’ll be fine. Don’t be to hard on yourself. Not everyone succeeds on their first try, and you have more than just one attempt.

Thank you for visiting me today, it meant a lot. Since i’ve moved back home i’ve reached out to many of my old friends but nobody has reached back out to me. You took time out of your day to drop by and I am so blessed to have someone like you in my life. I love you so much and once again, Happy Birthday!


One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

– Proverbs 18:24

Dear... · writing

Dear “M”,

I am not so sure if you read my blog, but if you do you’ll know this is about you. No hard feelings. I don’t have the will to text you and tell you that your actions have really hurt me. You and I are both really good friends and you are the person I go to when I need to talk to about anything. You are one of those friends that has never let me down. So when you message me inappropriate things knowing I have a boyfriend you are risking our friendship. As if you didn’t care if you and I weren’t friends by tomorrow.

I have deleted you on all social media and deleted your number because your actions have really hurt me. Asking me if I could judge you by the size of your penis or if I could send you the photos where I had nip slips, was beyond rude. You know I have a boyfriend but you do this thing where you just ignore that fact and act like someone that I don’t know.

You aren’t like this and I can’t be friends with someone who doesn’t care about that. You put me in a situation where, out of respect to him, I had to show him the messages that you were sending to me. You put me in a situation where I had him promise he wouldn’t do anything to you, out of respect to you. Yeah, I respect you after all that. Why? Because I know this isn’t you. I don’t know if it’s because it’s your senior year and you’re trying to fit in or something but grow up. Respect womxn, and most importantly respect your friends. Right next to family, your friends should be treated with respect.

We go way back and it’s going to suck not being able to text you but I’m not going to put up with you. I choose my boyfriend over a stupid text and you’ll understand when you get into a meaningful relationship. Enjoy your youth but also don’t ruin it.

You are going off to college in the fall and I wish you nothing but the best. I hope that life brings you everything that you can ever ask for. That your college experience is filled with drunk, educational, crazy, and eventual memories. You will definitely be making a lot of friends because you are a great guy when you aren’t acting like a disrespectful fool. Take lots of pictures and write about your experiences. You are going to want to have that recorded, trust me. Never stop smiling, because life is beyond beautiful. Be open to new opportunities and learn to look at life through different perspectives. And not just through different lenses but with your eyes too. I know you love photography, so don’t stop sharing your art work to the world. You are talented. I hope that you go back to being the old you, because I miss my friend.


Irma Hernandez

Dear... · Poems · poetry · writing

Dear San Francisco

I hope you don’t get to nervous and start shaking when I come and spend the next four years with you. I come from a small city where the only shaking that happens is due to the cold rainy weather on a summer day. It’s quite confusing and you won’t understand and that’s because you’re from the bay. Just be good to me, I’ve been through a lot and I bet you have to. I am going to be independent and not have my parents around, so please have some breezy hugs aligned with boat rides to Alcatraz for me. You are full of pride and hey, so am I. I will be planting my roots into your land and embarking my presence. I promise you that I will explore every beautiful inch of your land, from your mountains to your oceans, to your bridges. I’ll be good to you if you’re good to me. 


A future friend.