I’ve always been the type of girl to read ahead in a book just to see what happens. When watching movies I look up spoilers or skip to the end to see the truth be revealed. In life, I don’t get that option. I am straddled down in a car takin on every bump on the road as I head to whatever destination that awaits me. Man, has it been a bumpy road.
My spring semester of college begins tomorrow and boy am I afraid. First of all, I will not be receiving any aid to help with the costs of my textbooks, transportation, and personal expenses. Due to transferring to my local community college in my hometown, I probably was seen as a student who was enrolled at SFSU with 0 credits. Meaning, no financial aid for Irma. It frustrates me how I received no help from my community college nor the counselor at San Francisco State. I don’t know anything and I am going into a new school blank. I still haven’t withdrawn from San Francisco State, because I want to make sure I receive some sort of grant so that I could buy my textbooks. I registered in 5 courses so you can imagine how worried I am about the book situation. I still haven’t received the “okay” from my therapist to go out and get a job, so man am I praying for a miracle.
I am afraid.
This is a new chapter in my life. A chapter that I would have never found myself in. Irma in a community college. A part of me is happy that I am still doing everything in my ability to receive an education regardless of my situation. But, at the same time I am embarrassed. Now, I feel like I need to explain myself on this, not for those reading this but for myself. When I say I am embarrassed I don’t mean it towards other people, because I don’t have people in my life. By people I mean acquaintances- in high school, for example, I had peers who knew me and I knew them, but now I don’t have that. It’s a good thing. The person I am embarrassed with is myself. I am one hell of a critic when it comes to my education. A part of me asks, “why couldn’t you love science? You would’ve been at UC Davis and not on anxiety medication.” So many “what-ifs” that I find it hard to think about reality. Reality is, I start my online courses at Woodland Community College tomorrow and I have my first in person course on Wednesday. Reality is, I need to stop caring so much about people who aren’t even in my life. Reality is, seeing people you went to high school with on campus should mean nothing to you because they hold no role in your life. It’s not healthy to feel like this. It’s not okay to be trembling and being afraid of driving across town to receive an education. It’s not okay, Irma. This is why you are how you are. You get anxious over nothing and create scenes in your mind, of shit that is not going to happen.
It’s time to heal those wounds, Irma.
College at San Francisco State was a real bitch. You were alone and it wasn’t the good kind of alone. You chased a friend that acted like you weren’t standing right in front of her. You were unhappy at that school because frankly, you’ve never thought about college or your “dream school” up until decision day, your senior year of high school. You have never imagined yourself attending a university because reality being, that wasn’t in your dreams. You were filled up with depression, that you didn’t even think you’d make it. Guess what? You’re on your second semester of your sophomore year and it’s time to grow up. You are no longer in San Francisco. You are no longer living in a rat and ant infested apartment. You are no longer working 3 jobs. You are no longer alone, Irma. Take advantage of every learning opportunity because you have one right in front of you.
Today, I am a student at a community college. Today and forever on, I am okay with that. Today also marks one month without anxiety. Today, is a perfect day to start that new chapter, Irma.
“How would your life be different if…You stopped allowing other people to dilute or poison your day with their words or opinions? Let today be the day…You stand strong in the truth of your beauty and journey through your day without attachment to the validation of others”