I have an issue with not being able live in the now. My days consist of, “tomorrow”, “next year”, “later”, etc, but never of “nows”.
The other day I was watching a Youtube video and this girl was talking about the exact same issue I have. She was rambling quite a bit about the topic of not being able to enjoy day by day and I feel like what I took out of that video was probably something she wasn’t trying to express. If you have read my past blogs, specifically the night at the fire station and/or my apartment story you are aware that this year hasn’t been the greatest for me. I think that is why when I watched this Youtube video, I took what she said and placed it into my current situation. My past is a very dark place so I look to the future to motivate me to keep going. I tell myself things like, “When you are 30 years old it won’t matter if you went to a Community College or a state school”, “You’ll eventually overcome anxiety and you can go hiking then”, etc. I comfort myself with thinking about the future, because in my head I can picture a happy ending. I can imagine pot of gold at the end of my rainbow instead of an angry leprechaun. I choose not to live in the now because that means having to fight through the scares that the past has embarked on me. I procrastinate on things like enrolling at a community college because I know that I will get better in the further future and I will be able to go back to a state school. I avoid today. I avoid having to fight today. I avoid myself. I have this belief engraved in my skull that not having to fight through my problems and pushing them aside means that they will disappear. That isn’t the case at all. Even if I choose not to fight my anxiety today and I tell myself I am fine, in a few years it’s going to turn around and bite me in the ass. There won’t be any pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, because the storm won’t be over.
The famous words, Carpe Diem, used to urge someone to make the most of the present time and give little thought to the future, is what I am trying to transform into my motto. I guess with my anxiety and depression I think about the future more than I do about today because it gives me hope. I personally don’t have anybody that motivates me to keep going, so I am in charge of that. I let myself know that today might not be okay, but tomorrow will be. Lately, due to my anxiety, everyday has been a bad day so I look to the future for a wisp of hope.
I have a really big of fear of death and normally at night is when I will get dark thoughts. It causes my anxiety and my body begins to get very stiff. This is the only time that the future has ever scared me. Anything that has to do with death makes me want to run backwards on a clock. But then I get into a more positive mind set and think about how I am barely on hour 2 of my day. I am 19 years old and I still have way to much to live. I should be focusing on whether I want to experiment sleeping with socks on instead of who will be at my funeral.
Don’t think to much about tomorrow because it’s not guaranteed. It’s not worth stressing over something that might now even happen. Live in the now. Focus on your breathing and realize that you still have to breathe in about a million more times before the day ends. Don’t murder yourself with the extra weight of thinking about the future. In my case, I shouldn’t be making plans about my future if I am laying in bed all day with nothing to do. Go out and venture the world, there’s so much to see. Go look under a rock instead of getting your cards read.
There’s a saying that you should probably remember if you are having a hard time living in the moment. It goes like this:
Don’t re-live the past.
Don’t pre-live the future.
Live everyday as if it were your last. Not tomorrow, or a year from now, but now. Everything will fall into place. The mindset you have right now won’t be the same one that you have in a couple of years so there’s no need to make plans about something that you probably won’t even want to do later.
At the end of the day you aren’t guaranteed a future, your family, your friends, a job, food on the table, etc. The only thing that is certain is right now. This very moment. Embrace it. Venture it. Live it. Right now is all you have.
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
– Matthew 6:34