It’s dark. My body is warm. There is no visible movement in the bedroom except for my roaming thoughts. Is my family still proud of me? Am I better off dead? Am I wasting more money than I am actually making on Etsy? Should I eat today? Did I take my medication? Am I pregnant? Who would miss me if I disappeared? Why are you so ugly? Theres’s a sudden knock, it’s anxiety. She’s on the “do not open under any circumstance” list. She still managed to break in. The bitch has no manners. She attacks unexpectedly. Well not so unexpectedly, she’s known for damaging people. She’s known for hurting me. Every inch of my body is now ice cold. I am shaking. I can’t breathe. I begin to find myself on a boat in the ocean of my own tears. The only issue is that I am not in control. She is. We’ve tipped over multiple times now. Depression sneaked up on me. He was swimming around in my tears, when he smelled anxiety. He has a hold of my head. I thought he didn’t exist anymore. I thought he was extinct. I’m screaming for help, but my mouth isn’t moving. Why isn’t anybody helping? I’m in the darkness. I’m drowning. “HELP?!”
It’s done. My gears have been shifted. This is no longer Irma. My attitude? My sense of humor? My sarcasm? My hatred? My passion? My motivations? My smile? Wrong. Anxiety’s attitude. Anxiety’s sense of humor. Anxiety’s lack of sarcasm. Anxiety’s raving hatred. Anxiety’s passion. Anxiety’s cruel motivations. Anxiety’s frown. This is her body. She is feeding off of my thoughts. If you see here on the streets, give her a piece of your mind. She hates that. I love that.
I’m slowly killing her with Sertraline. I’m will gain back all control. Going to the movies at 9am on a Tuesday? Sure. Driving to Davis at 8pm alone? Why not? Staying home alone at 2am? Fuck it, I can do it. I’m in control. I put locks on my door. I have body guards at each of my sides. Fuck you anxiety. You can play with my head all you want, but there’s something I have that you don’t. A heart. It beats every hour, every second, every minute, every millisecond… FOR ME. She has my back. She has shown me every reason to make you extinct. My family. My boyfriend. My friends. My dog. My neighbor. The stranger walking down the street who always greets me. And for someone who never comes to my mind. Me. This is a battle I am going to fight for myself. She deserves it. She’s been forced to walk through hell holding anxiety’s hand. It nearly killed me. She messed with the wrong girl. She forgot about my heart. She forgot that because of my heart, I feel. So it’s go time. You want a fight, bring it.
No more being afraid of the dark.
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
– Proverbs 4:23