August 1, 2017

I haven’t wrote on my blog in a while and I don’t get why. This is so therapeutic, but for some reason I prefer to watch Youtube or Netflix late at night. I am going to try and be more smart with my decisions.

I’ve been so much lately and although I am so proud of everything that I am accomplishing, I’m worried. My Etsy shop is doing so good as well as my photography, which I want to say that I am so thankful for. These things have kept me busy as well as helped me reach milestones against my anxiety. The reason I am worried is that I am trying to handle a lot of things at once, as well as putting myself in situations that aren’t really in my comfort zone. Photography wise, I am doing photoshoots with strangers and/or with people I normally don’t talk to. Which, I understand is absolutely great and is normal to have this type of communication for any job. The thing is I am trying to overcome my anxiety slowly that I can get rid of it forever. It all goes back to being unorganized, because I would love to be able to do one photoshoot a month with a complete stranger so that my health can understand that social anxiety is all in my head. Instead I am doing 2-3 a month. Not complaining, I am blessed. Now with my Etsy shop, I am getting so many orders and it’s just me. If you have looked at my shop you probably notice that I create designs on shirts therefore it’s a lot of work. Once again, not complaining, just venting. I want to hire someone to help me out, they would get paid of course, but I am worried about being judged. I have built this shop/photography side job from nothing and it was made to keep myself out of my head.

Starting tomorrow, I will be getting on a new rollercoaster that I call therapy.  I have a behavioral appointment which will help place me with the perfect therapist. It’s time I start taking larger steps towards my milestones. I accidentally showed up today, thinking it was the 2nd since it’s the second day of the week. It was quite embarrassing, but it allowed me to have a positive outlook to my morning.

I will be writing a lot more and it won’t be just daily entries, but topics that I’ve been wanting to Screen Shot 2017-08-01 at 11.57.50 PMstate my opinion on. I have 74 writing topics sitting in my drafts that I am so insecure to publish. Some of them aren’t finished because I’m afraid to speak my opinion to the public.

To those who have been reading my blog every time I post or every once in a while, thank you so much. Thank you for allowing me to voice about my life and opinions. I started this blog off unknown/anonymous, and then I realized I had nothing to hide or be ashamed of. We all have our rainy days and allowing those to see that there is an actual person behind the computer screen is comforting. Before I started my blog I used to read this girls daily entries on her Tumblr page. She was anonymous, but she would talk about some really dark topics. I remember reading the comments on her post and seeing a lot of people thanking her for talking about things that we as humans are afraid of talking about. We live in a society where we walk over the fact that people are suicidal or that sometimes we lock ourself in our bedrooms and cry. We avoid our feelings even though we all have them. I will never understand why some people are afraid to let others know that they hurt. It doesn’t show weakness, it shows reality. I began posting my blog links on Twitter and instantly I felt better about myself. My stats went up and WordPress showed me that people from Twitter were clicking on my blog. I would sometimes get thrown into group chats by some guys in high school who would tell me a lot of things about my blog. I won’t use the word “hate” because at the end of the day I know that at one point in their lives they felt what I felt. Sad, unloved, scared, worried, etc. For all I know they could be the ones that are actively reading this blog, so heres to those boys. May God keep blessing your lives and also to everyone else. Once again, thank you so much for reading.

 

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

– Hebrews 11:1

 

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