April 9, 2017

I guess you can say that i’ve been avoiding reality. I’ve been holding back my tears because I don’t know want to cause a mental break down. I know that if I wrote on this blog I would either lie to keep me from crying or tell the truth and cause my break down. I didn’t want neither so I just avoided doing daily entries. Who does that hurt though? Just me.

I feel trapped and suffocated in my room. The only time I ever leave it is in the morning when I am cleaning, going out with my boyfriend, and running errands with my mom. I can’t do this anymore. I feel like giving up a lot of the time. I start getting these thoughts on how I managed to turned off all the lights in my head. No sight of hope. My education? Gone. My friends? No sign around. Myself? It’s being eaten aline by anxiety. I feel tied down and as if I can’t move.

I need help. I need it really bad. Who do I run too? I had a phone call with a counselor on Friday about my withdraw from my courses and I had an expectation that she was going to help me through the process that very day. She ended up just calling to basically say that she sent the paper in which the professors, dean of admission, and dean of the subject have to sign off on. I could have gone this off the website. It made me so frustrated. I tried to tell my mom about the phone call but she was more worried about this lady who was dressed in all pink. My sister looks like she’s to busy with her new job to even bother her. I need help and I don’t know what to do. I’m scared.

I took a 5 hour nap but not because I was sleepy or tired, but to avoid life. Just shutting out the world for a couple of hours and not having to worry about anything. A small pill has to be taken daily, but my anxiety determines what days it’s going to work and which days i’m going to be curled up in a ball wishing for mercy. “Give it time”, is what my doctors and parents say. But how much time? A pill shouldn’t take this long to work. I have anxiety attacks every other day.

I’m helpless and managed to write this blog entry without shedding a single tear.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

– Deuteronomy 31:6

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