My anxiety was very much triggered today and it was the worst feeling I have felt since my incident. My boyfriend and I were suppose to go to the mall today, but I realized that I could just order the items I wanted since I didn’t need them right away. My boyfriend was sorta bothered at that because I told him we would go at 8am but I didn’t get to his house until 9:30ish. So I was late and I ended up changing up our plans. He woke up very early to accompany me to the mall and he even cancelled plans with his friend to go with me so he was grumpy. I don’t blame him, since it was my fault for not communicating with him.
I told him I would just take him home since I was made about him being mad, which bothered him more. I began driving back home when I began to cry. My mind just starting having all of these thoughts that had nothing to do with my boyfriend. I started to cry because I made the choice of putting my dog down. I then found myself bawling my eyes out about not having any friends. I know a lot of people say this but really don’t have any friends. Ever since my incident and having to withdraw from the university nobody has bothered to hang out with me. I understand they are busy with school and work but a 15 minute Starbucks/Lunch meet up isn’t much to ask for from a friend. That’s not the point I’m trying to make. The thing is that I began thinking about my birthday, which is tomorrow and how I will be spending it without any friends. My boyfriend has work/training soccer kids, school, and soccer kids. It stresses me out because I am going to have to hear my parents say “why are you locked up in your room?” or “why don’t you go out with *names a “friend” that doesn’t talk to me anymore*”. From those thoughts I began to think about my college experience with my horrible housemates/roommate and how I had to withdraw from my university. I got really stressed out and had to pull over to just cry “in peace”. I began to feel a little worthless and unwanted. Nobody would miss me if I was gone. I have no friends so only my family would sorta miss me. It hurt me a lot to be thinking like this because I am always so joyful. My boyfriend began to text me like crazy telling me to go back because he was worried about me. I eventually drove back to his house since I was really close by because I had pulled over to cry. Honestly if it weren’t for that something probably would’ve happened to me because I drive with my emotions. I know that isn’t safe at all but when I am feeling worthless and unwanted I am very careless because I potentially don’t care about my life. I am currently seeking help with a therapist to help with my thoughts and what it is that triggers my anxiety.
To future me when I am looking back at this; take a step back and take a deep breath. Breathe. In and out. I don’t care if you are 100% fine, do it. I hope you know your worth. You are wanted by a lot of people. You will be missed. I love you and I admire you for your daily struggles. Keep fighting because like is a beautiful struggle.
But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.