Due to all of my health issues that I am going through I made a very difficult decision that I don’t think I thought throughly. I made a choice that haunts me at night, because I crave education and it’s a part of my life. I decided to withdraw from San Francisco State University, because my health did not permit me to be far away from my parents. I was afraid of something happening to me like the day at the gas station that I am living in fear. My fear and weakness have made me take a choice that killed me. I am currently finishing my online classes and one of my normal classes online. I was obligated to drop my other two courses and get a “W” on my transcript. I am now in a situation where I have to give back all of my financial aid because I am not enrolled in 12 or more unites (a full time student). I now spend every minute of my days locked away in my bedroom or in my house because I am afraid of what my anxiety is capable of. I am living in fear and it’s something that isn’t me. This is not Irma Hernandez. There is a monster living inside of me controlling my brain. So please, next time you ask me about college and I say “fine”, either walk away or change the subject. Don’t ask me about the weather in San Francisco or what I do on my spare time between my classes, because I don’t have an answer for you. Better yet, I don’t want to give you an answer.
I am embarrassed that I spent all of my high school career taking advanced classes, doing 4 sports, participating in so many clubs, and doing 200 extra hours of community service hours just so that I could drop out of college. I am embarrassed because I love learning. I am fascinated with math, writing, ethnic studies and all those other classes that I never heard about. I love school. I was born to learn. And I blew it, because my anxiety has me living in fear.
Don’t get me wrong, I will be transferring to my local community college for semester and then transferring to the csu thats 30 minutes away from my home, but I still feel like a failure. I am still very embarrassed about having to withdraw.
So once again, don’t ask me about college. I know you mean no harm when doing so , if anything you are just checking up on me, but don’t. I feel like I let everyone down and it absolutely scares me. So please, don’t do it.