March 12, 2017

I am not going to talk about my day as a whole because the way I was feeling all day reflects on this one event. My anxiety definitely kicked my ass today and it won. I will continue to keep my head raised up and fighting against my anxiety. This was just a bad day but I refuse to let anxiety win this one.

At around 9:30am my little brother texted me about 4-6 times asking me to go pick him up. I didn’t mind, because I thought he was here in town. He then told me he was in Natomas and needed me to go pick him up at one of the high schools. My brother didn’t want me to tell my parents because they had just dropped him off in Sacramento and didn’t want to get into any trouble. I live in a city close by to Natomas, about 23 minutes (without traffic) to be exact. To many people that does not seem like a lot of driving.

Here’s the thing with that, I am currently going through a very difficult time in my life, for I am dealing with anxiety. The last time I drove on the freeway on my own was February 10thΒ and I was headed back to San Francisco State University. Before I got on the freeway to head back to campus I had to stop at the gas station which I was scared of doing because of my incident that happened on February 4th, (https://latinashadows.wordpress.com/2017/03/09/the-fire-station/). Since I stopped at the gas station it really triggered my anxiety and I began to get scared but I didn’t want to inconvenience my mother so I kept driving. I made it to Fairfield and that’s when my body began to shiver, get dizzy, and I became afraid. I did it. I called my mom, and told her that I couldn’t do it and she said, “Come home, you can try again next week. There was no rush for you to have to go back today. You aren’t ready and that is okay, come home.” I took the nearest exit and was welcomed back with open arms.

Going back to todays event, I got out of bed getting ready to go pick up my brother and my body was trembling. I couldn’t do it but I needed to be a good older sister to my brother. He doesn’t really understand that I am suffering from anxiety so he didn’t know that what he was asking for was something that was going to mentally kill me. When I got into my car I realized that I needed gas but I knew that if I were to stop at a gas station I would have a full on panic attack so I didn’t get any. I was driving on the freeway feeling my anxiety beginning to come over me. There was an exit to go back to my city every so often but then they disappear once you get on the bridge because well.. a bridge is surrounded by water. I continued to drive until I realized that I needed to go back home because I wasn’t strong enough to do this. I wasn’t ready. I called my good friend Miguel, which only lasted for 3 seconds. The feeling that someone was only a call away gave me a little bit of strength to continue to drive. My brother was 7 minutes away, I can do it.

I ended up making it, but this really took all of energy. For the rest of the day I was very anxious and afraid of the future. I have a therapist, but I haven’t gone in to talk to her. I am not scheduled until Thursday, but this is one of the few steps that I need to take to be able to get better. I am currently taking medication, but I feel like it’s not strong enough. My anxiety has days where it’s knocking the roofs off my head. It breaks me really bad and it sucks. I’ve always been a very independent person who was never afraid of anything but elevators, but now I’m afraid of gas stations. Gas stations. And not for the reasons that seem “reasonable”, but because I’ve been scarred.

 

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future

-Proverbs 31:25

 

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