December 17, 2015

I haven’t bothered to write in a while. I was to busy being someone that I am not. I have this problem where I try to make everyone happy before I can make myself happy. I guess that isn’t really a problem, but you see I try so hard to make people who hurt me happy just so they can hurt me some more. I guess it’s because I was taught to always be nice to others.

Today as I was entering the art room there was a group of juniors helping a girl with her display and I was talking on the phone with my boyfriend. I was suppose to hang out with him today, but I had an art show to attend so I had to cancel. I was so into valuing those few second on the phone with him that I didn’t notice that one of the display legs was pointing at the door. I tripped. I knocked some of her photos down and her friend began to hysterically laugh at me. I began to apologize and help her, but she look furious. Well that’s just her facial expression most of the time, but it was worse. I apologized about 32 times until I realized that enough is enough. It wasn’t until I stopped apologizing when I realized how badly my knee hurt. I took a glance at it and I had a huge bruise on it. Worst of all the girl Β I was with, (I would identify her as my friend but what kind of friend doesn’t bother to check up on me?), Β was standing there staring at me. Where was my “Are you okay?” or my “Ignore them”. Pretty pathetic. My anxiety began to race really badly.

 

It’s 6:59 PM and my mind is vigorously replaying this scene over and over. Would if I wasn’t talking on my phone? Why am I such a klutz? Is it normal that this made me want to self harm again? Why am I thinking so much about this? Why?

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