I haven’t bothered to write in a while. I was to busy being someone that I am not. I have this problem where I try to make everyone happy before I can make myself happy. I guess that isn’t really a problem, but you see I try so hard to make people who hurt me happy just so they can hurt me some more. I guess it’s because I was taught to always be nice to others.
Today as I was entering the art room there was a group of juniors helping a girl with her display and I was talking on the phone with my boyfriend. I was suppose to hang out with him today, but I had an art show to attend so I had to cancel. I was so into valuing those few second on the phone with him that I didn’t notice that one of the display legs was pointing at the door. I tripped. I knocked some of her photos down and her friend began to hysterically laugh at me. I began to apologize and help her, but she look furious. Well that’s just her facial expression most of the time, but it was worse. I apologized about 32 times until I realized that enough is enough. It wasn’t until I stopped apologizing when I realized how badly my knee hurt. I took a glance at it and I had a huge bruise on it. Worst of all the girl I was with, (I would identify her as my friend but what kind of friend doesn’t bother to check up on me?), was standing there staring at me. Where was my “Are you okay?” or my “Ignore them”. Pretty pathetic. My anxiety began to race really badly.
It’s 6:59 PM and my mind is vigorously replaying this scene over and over. Would if I wasn’t talking on my phone? Why am I such a klutz? Is it normal that this made me want to self harm again? Why am I thinking so much about this? Why?