It’s 1am on October 12, 2017

Normally at 1am I like to go on amazon and contemplate making a purchase of $300 or more. This is like an everyday thing, I am not even kidding you. I never hit the checkout button, because I am not truly myself at night. I know this because when people make plans with me after 8pm, Irma is no longer talking but rather my adrenaline. I’ve noticed that with my medication, I’ll be anxious all day but once the darkness hits the horizon this sudden flush of wanting to do things that I would normally be against, comes over me.

Now, I know what future me is thinking… why haven’t you written a blog post in almost 2 weeks?! Great question, future me. The thing is that you already know the answer. I have been a huge mess. I’ve come to realize that I have made a mess out of this blog that I am no longer that proud of. I come on here and sort of let everything out without trying to stay true to myself. The truth is, I have been suicidal and I can’t do anything that most people can. Drive to Mcdonalds to get fast food? Hell no. That means being in line where a car will pull up behind me and block my car into the drive thru. Pull up to a stop light? Hell no. Same with the fast food situation, car next to me and car behind me, what if I have a panic attack? How do I get out of this intersection? You get the point. As for me being suicidal that’s is a very personal feeling that I haven’t shared with anyone. I broadly talk about it on here, but it’s more than just a feeling for me. The thing is, I am afraid of death and have low tolerance to pain so I would never commit suicide, but the feeling is still there. This is a huge issue I have that I wish I could tell my therapist, but after being read the rules I don’t feel comfortable doing so. I am getting all over the place like I just said..

Over these past couple of weeks of not writing I have been writing. Oh, Irma.. not making sense yet again. Well, what I mean is that I’ve been writing about a lot of things but I haven’t been posting about it. I have so many topics and experiences I want to share, but I tend to take a step back and bring myself down. Does anybody read my blogs? I try to be consistent, but I don’t even know if anyone stays interested in my content. I check my statistics on which blog posts get looked at and what not, but I feel as if that’s just me. Do you ever stalk yourself? I do. At night I’ll go through my Instagram, Blog, twitter, Facebook, Youtube, etc. I find myself to be interesting, haha. Once again, I am off topic.

I’ve been working so hard on keeping myself grounded but I am not going to lie, it has been a rough journey. Etsy shop, last week I had about 15 orders with about 25 sales. Photography business, I have been doing so good. The only problem with this is I’ve been doubting myself so much and I’ve been dealing with people dropping sessions at the last minute. So on. School, well I love it. I am still doing online courses but as for accepting myself doing this… I’ve been doing very good. I have been thinking a lot about going back next semester. Not completely but as in, commuting from my hometown to San Francisco. I think I am going to try at least one in class session a week. Friends, I still don’t have any. I get this weird feeling as the week gets closer to Friday and Saturday, because those are the days were I get emotional break downs due to the fact that I stay home… all day. I feel like lately I’ve been getting used a lot and I don’t know how to explain it. The overall picture of trying to be a better me is there, it’s just trying to get it down on paper where I am having trouble. Since the day I stopped writing, I have been in the worst situation, mentally, that I have been in since February-March. I think that realistically that is the reason why I have refused myself from writing on my blog. I haven’t been myself lately. I think that I sort of want to close everything around me and just work on myself. On some days I feel so happy, but when I look back I realize that I was just putting up a show.

I will end the blog here. Hopefully I will have the a good mindset to post one of the entries in my drafts. Goodnight, everyone.

Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!

– Dr. Seus

Advertisements

September 29, 2017

I hope everyone had a good Friday and has a great weekend. I am on a roll with these blog entries and I am so proud. I have been receiving so much love and my gratitude is without words. Thank you for reading.

In yesterdays blog post I forgot to mention something so important and it’s weird because I cope with deaths differently. I avoid feeling at all cost. When my grandma past away a couple of years ago it didn’t start to affect me into last year. I don’t like thinking about not having people that I love not with me anymore. I try and push it away from me. Yesterday my great aunt died and I don’t remember her a whole lot because the last time I went to Mexico was when I was in 5th grade and that was like in December of 2007. At around 9am my mother woke me up and told me to look for plane tickets to Mexico because she wanted to attend the funeral. Before I say anything else, I want to mention something that is absolutely crazy. Well two things. The first isn’t all that crazy but I should mention it. So I have an Etsy shop and I have gotten really into making embroidery patches. My mother was going to go to Mexico on September 28 through October 1st to get me supplies and shirts because they are cheaper over there. The plane tickets were a little over $200. We were set and I was going to purchase my moms plane ticket, but it somehow didn’t come up again. It’s crazy because if we would’ve booked her plane ticket she would’ve had the opportunity to see her aunt. Better yet, she probably wouldn’t have passed away. The next thing is something that happens a lot in my family. The day that my great aunt died she had a dream that her husband told her he was coming for her and to get ready. She woke up and told her kids. They all laughed and carried on with their day. Later that day, one of her family members paid her a visit and he told her that looked different. Her eyes were beginning to turn a bit grayish and that her lips were getting purple. My great aunt told him he was crazy and once again brushed it off. She then went out to the store and that’s when it happened. She was hit by a car and passed away. It’s weird because my cousin also got hit by a car, but she didn’t die. The man who hit her drove off and left her on the street. I can’t even express how mad I got, like she is 16 years old. My cousin doesn’t have a phone and she was on her way to volunteer at a school like she normally does. It makes me so mad how inhuman people are getting. How do you hit someone and just carry on with your day? How do you live with that feeling of not knowing if you killed them or not? What is wrong with humanity? My cousin is okay and returned to school the next day. She is fine although she is on crutches. Well, back to my great aunt, I want to do something for my mom. I kind of want to buy my mom a plane ticket to Mexico so that she could visit her grave and see her family. Yesterday she was crying so much and she kept telling me about all these crazy memories that she remembered. I love my mother so much and I want the best for her. I want to surprise her with a plane ticket but I also want her to choose the weekend. I think i’ll just have her choose a day and I’ll buy her ticket.

Tomorrow I am having a yard sale after talking about if for so long. Everything we don’t sale will be donating to Goodwill right after so hopefully we get rid of everything. The only thing that drives me crazy is that Goodwill sells things kind of pricey. At a yard sale we’ll sell something for 10 cents and then see it at Goodwill for $5 to $7. I guess at the end of the day it doesn’t matter because at least we got rid of stuff, right?

I’ve been doing a lot of breathing exercises a lot, partially because my therapist told me too, but mainly for me. To anyone who constantly feels anxiety do the 7 second breathing exercise. Breathe in 7 seconds, hold for 8 seconds, and exhale for 7 seconds. The key to this is to do it when you aren’t having anxiety. Incorporate these breathing exercise throughout your day so when you are having anxiety and you do the breathing technique, there is a higher chance that it will work. At first, I thought this was stupid because personally when I get anxiety nothing can stop it, especially in the mornings.  Lately, Have been doing these breathing exercise throughout my day that I have my anxiety in the morning under control. Although, I still get it everyday in the morning no matter if I take my medication or not, I feel more safe because I know that the breathing will calm me down if it gets a little out of hand. Another thing that I have found helpful is to chew gum or to suck on a mint. Use your 5 senses to your advantage while you are having anxiety. When you have anxiety (or anxiety attacks) your senses are heightened a lot. You begin to panic and suddenly that wall next to you (for example) is just a barrier to being able to escape. Touch the wall and really admire its characteristics. Is it flat? Or are their bumps? In therapy, we talk a lot about different techniques to use to help ease my anxiety. One of the ones I learned was the “5-4-3-2-1 Senses“. FIVE, visual. Name 5 things you can see and say it out loud. FOUR, touch. Name 4 things you can touch and maybe even how they feel. THREE, sounds. Name 3 things you can hear around you. TWO, smell. Name 2 things that you can taste. Personally I get anxiety in the morning so I am not around any smells that are lurking my space, so I smell my breath, my dog, or my sheets. You can also look for smells around you. ONE, taste. Name one thing that you can taste. This is when chewing gum or sucking on a mint comes in handy. It helps to use these coping techniques with a positive mindset. Be hopeful and know that this too shall past. I wanted to share this with you all because I have been very down lately. I’ve been trying to figure out my anxiety and getting to know this bitch, which means having to learn to cope. For the most part, I hate being told “be strong”, “stay strong”, “calm down”, and all these other sayings while I am having an anxiety attack. It’s like telling a dead man to just breathe. I know that all anxiety attacks are manageable over time, but in that moment whether it be 5 minutes or a lifetime, it feels like death. Fear is one hell of a fool and it sure knows how to get under our nose and catching us off guard. I really wish I had an outlet where I could go and know that I wasn’t the only one going through this. Social media tries to make anxiety a “relatable” thing, when it shouldn’t. I don’t doubt that someone has felt anxious at a point in their life, because I know for a fact that everyone has. Whether it be before giving a speech, taking their drivers test, or breaking up with their significant other. Everyone gets anxiety. The thing is that everyone gets different intensity levels of anxiety. I remember in my Comm 150 course at SFSU, there was this boy who always wore a blue jacket to class. I don’t blame him though, because it was an 8am class and San Francisco was always freezing cold. Anyways, we had to give speeches every week, plus for attendance we had to answer a question, one by one. This kid would rather get marked absent than talk. Well for our final we had to give a 5-7 minute speech, which let me tell you is one of the scariest things ever if you have stage fright. Well, it was this boys turn and he went up to the podium and it got silent. He froze. He stared into the classroom for a good 2 minutes and stayed silent. His hair was sort of long so you couldn’t see his eyes but he was sweating so much that his hair was clumping together. This was the first time I saw his eyes. After a good 2 minutes the professor (who was also a student, the best kind of professors to be honest) asked him if he was okay. He didn’t answer but he just started mumbling and nobody understood him. I knew he was talking about the movie Stand and Deliver because he got to a part in his speech when all he said was, “The movie Stand and Deliver.. the the the the movie Stand and Deliver… the the the the movie stand and Deliver”. And then he stopped reading and everyone looked at one another and just applauded. What else was there to do? I mention this because I give this kid so many props and respect for still partially giving the speech. At that time my anxiety really didn’t even exist except before speeches. I don’t know if I am trying to make a point or what but I hope you take something from this whether it for yourself, a friend, or a stranger.

Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end.

– Proverbs 29:11

September 28, 2017

Wow. I didn’t realize how committed I was towards this blog until now. I am extremely tired and just want to go to bed. I got done writing 2 papers, watching a mandatory 1 hour and 12 minute video, and taking notes… yet here I am writing a blog entry. In the documentary I was assigned to watch one of the guys said, “Writing has allowed me to find myself.” After hearing that I realized that, me too. I find peace in being able to let everything out at the end of the day.

Anyways, I wasn’t going to write a blog entry today because I didn’t really do anything. I did though, see my boyfriend. This was basically a summary of what my day consisted of:

I did leave some things out such as the trip we made to the thrift store and the amazing finds we got. As well as laughs that we shared, which I can’t find myself to trade for anything in this world. I love my boyfriend so much and I am so blessed to have found such a wonderful man. 4 years and 7 months together and I am still so in love with him. He gives me butterflies and still manages to make me smile when I am mad. I love being able to see a little of me in him and vice-versa. He sometimes tells me jokes that I have told him and I have to pretend as if I never heard them. He is just such a bundle of joy.

I always find it funny how when I am writing blogs I stop midway and think about what I did today. I have such a horrible memory, which is another reason as to why I love being able to document my everyday life. I look back to what I have written a year ago today and I was in a different position. Today, September 28, was a Wednesday last year, which means I had a 9am to 9:50am class. I was living in San Francisco and working at Burlington Coat Factory. I still had an awkward relationship with my roommate and she still hadn’t had sex with her man on my bed. I would walk to the beach after class almost every day. I would make myself eggs with edamame and spinach, bacon, waffles with peanut butter and syrup and a smoothie. I would come home after walking to the beach and watch an episode or two of The Vampire Diaries. It is so weird to think about that life. It’s almost as if it wasn’t real. God, a part of me misses living in San Francisco but another part of me hopes that I never have to step food in that foggy city.

Breathe in and Breathe Out.

I have found myself getting triggered really easily. Sometimes I’ll be driving past a freeway and I’ll start thinking about the night of my attack. I was so vulnerable and scared and had no idea what was happening to me. I feel very stressed out because I am constantly holding my guard up. Should I drive on the freeway? Should I take a back road? Should I just send my brother to the store instead? Constant questions of fear.

Let Go.

I’ve been realizing little by little that, that is in my past. I have learned to identify my anxiety. Don’t live in fear. Worst comes to show, call the ambulance. Something that I have been thinking a lot about is being embarrassed. I have a lot of friends on social media and they are constantly taking videos of ambulances and cops. They try and investigate what is actually none of their business. I remember the die of incident I was waiting for the ambulance to show up and I was on the phone with the 911 dispatcher or a doctor, I am not sure. I remember the gas station being packed once I showed up. People were staring at me and when the ambulance showed up there were these homeless people on the fence talking with a group of boys on their bike. I am so afraid of having an incident in my hometown because I am scared of being judged when I am in my most vulnerable position. Well, I was. I talked about this with my therapist and first off I can sue anyone for emotional distress of leaking unwanted images but I can use it to my advantage. It’s okay to not be okay, and that is something I have have suffered trying to understand. Honestly, I don’t even know what I am saying, so I think I am just going to close off this blog here. I think that this topic just needs its own entry for itself, so stay tuned for that if you are interested.

Bye.

Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.

– Proverbs 13:20

September 27, 2017

“Hide and Seek isn’t fun if nobody’s looking… but sometimes you have to ask somebody to play with you.”

I normally end every blog entry with a quote but I thought this time I would start with one. I heard this quote today on TheGabbieShow, (click here) and I felt so connected to this. For so long, I had been hurting in silence. I refused to let anybody see me be so vulnerable. I would allow myself to feel emotions in places where I knew that nobody was around. The shower became my safe spot. I would hysterically cry at not wanting to live anymore. My depression was eating at every ounce of hope that I had. I eventually stopped showering so much and allowed myself to feel all of the ugly inside of me. It was painful and it made me feel weak. That’s the thing though, it’s not always roses and rainbows, but weeds and earthquakes in Mexico. I am really starting to realize that my reality is making me hide away from the world. That’s going to change…

Okay, on to my actual physical day…

I did a photoshoot today which I was very much trying the most to not do. Nothing personal with the model but I was so tired. I wonder, if I start going to the gym will my energy boost. That’s besides the point. The first location we went to for the photoshoot was at the local public library. There is a specific spot inside of the library that I have always enjoyed going into, so I thought it would be a perfect location to have a photoshoot. A set up that I wanted my model to do was get into one of the window pane shelves and pose for me. Since it was 3pm on a Wednesday, people were constantly passing by. One of the ladies that passed by asked me if what I was doing was a business or if it was personal. I took a solid 10 seconds to reply. Irma, what are you going to say? Do you tell her it’s personal and lose a perfectly good chance to get more experience in photography or do you say yes this is a business and possible have one of the greatest photoshoots of your life. I went with the second choice. She asked me for a business card, which I never though of making until now… I told her I didn’t have any on me, which was a lie because I don’t have any on me… AT ALL. She asked me for my phone number, and I was about to give it to her when the lady that was with her said maybe an instagram or Facebook so you can see her work. I gave her my instagram. Once my model and I commuted to our second location which was just 2 blocks away the women instantly contacted me. “Hello, Irma”. “I saw u taking pics at the library, how much do u charge per the hour?” We then began conversing about the type of photoshoot she wanted and the location. I am really proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone and giving her my information. As you guys can tell, I don’t have the greatest self-esteem. I do think that my photos come out good for an amateur photographer, but they aren’t the greatest. Today after editing some of the shots that I captured, I took a minute to really admire my work. It was good. My work from the last photoshoot, Maria Diaz’s Birthday was a shoot that really made me appreciate my hardwork and how much I have grown as a photographer. My parents, boyfriend, and just about everyone else is right, I do undercharge. 1-3 days of editing, commuting to the locations, and several occasions framing and getting prints done… $0 to $25 just isn’t enough. It shows that I don’t value myself as a photographer. People want to walk around saying they respect and admire art when they can’t even pay more than $20 for a photoshoot. Not just with photography, but with all art such as makeup, paintings, designs, drawings, sculptures, etc. Don’t be cheap, I get that money can be tough, but if you don’t have the money maybe you shouldn’t be getting your makeup professionally done? Or having a photoshoot? I know so many people stand their grown, but I always devalue myself to meet my clients needs. I’ll do a 2-3 hour shoot with 3-5 locations, 2-3 outfits, unlimited amount of prints and only have them pay $10. Why? Because nobody is willing to pay more than $10. I did a photoshoot of siblings like 2 weeks ago and I still haven’t been paid. A world where photography isn’t appreciated because everyone has a camera on their phone. It’s just a matter of pressing a button and capturing a moment. Having all this money in your bank account and finding it so easy to go and buy yourself a DSLR and start calling yourself a photographer. That is what is truly degrading about photography. I have wanted a DSLR camera since I was in 5th grade. I remember always going on the internet explorer page or Firefox and looking at these expensive cameras. “One day…” I’d say to myself. When I was in 10th grade I got my first camera, it was a Coolpix L820 with a built in lens. My mother dropped it into a bucket of water at my soccer game. I then started renting one everyday from Aaron’s. That camera only held memory for 5 photos, so you could only imagine how anxious I got when I was on my 4th photo and still wanted to shoot the flowers, the bees, the sunset, the moon, etc. Here are a few photos taken with the Coolpix L820:

 

Finally, when I was in 12th grade I got my very own DSLR camera, a Canon EOS Rebel T5i to be exact. I remember crying. I didn’t even care about my other Christmas presents, this was the gift that I had asked God, Santa, My family, EVERYONE.. I had finally got it. It’s 2017 and I have seen so much progression in my own work:

I just realized how off topic I got but I hope that y’all understand how passionate I am for photography.

Anyways, I need motivation. I have the urge to create more designs to help my motivation to continue my shop. I have a few stitches/patches/embroideries that I plan on creating tomorrow. I am really excited, because I’ve been watching so many DIY’S and I love using the sewing machine. One of my first items on my Etsy shop was this bleached halter top that I handmade and I sold so many of them. I was so proud of it because it was something that I was able to create with my bare hands. Now, I just use my computer and a heat presser haha. I kind of want to go back to doing some handmade items, but I am sorta scared. I will be testing the waters with some new stitches. I plan on creating jean jackets out of old jeans and plastering patches and stitches. Mainly, because I just want to go to the thrift store so bad. Every time I feel like I have enough time, I realize that I probably shouldn’t because I already have so much clothes. So any excuse to go to the thrift store, is good with me.

Speaking of thrifting, the one in my town has such cute dog clothes. Last night, my dog did the cutest thing ever and I am about to tell you so brace yourself. So, my brother and I were sitting on the couch at around 11pm last night. Rocky, my dog, decided to go to the backyard and I assumed he had to pee or something. He came back about 5 minutes later with his sweater in his mouth. I noticed him just sitting on the ground staring at my brother, but he ignored my dog because he was doing homework. Rocky then came over to me and I yelled at him for biting his sweater and I took it out of his mouth. He then preceded to bark at me. He put his paws on the couch as if he was going to jump on and he lifted his head, that’s when I realized it. He wanted me to put the sweater on him. It was actually freezing inside of my house y’all, so I was amazed by his intelligence. I ended up putting his little sweater on him and he laid down on the couch and fell asleep. My little baby was cold and wanted to sleep warm. It was one of those mom moments when I had to take a stepback and say, “THAT’S MY BABY”.

That’s about it. I still feel weird, though. Something is off and I just can’t put my finger on it. I finally made an appointment about my constant lack of energy, so I will be getting answers soon (hopefully). Anyways, I hope everyone had a great day!

 

September 26, 2017

I am really not in the mood to write a blog entry today. I feel drained from any ounce of emotion that anyone can even feel. I am not happy nor sad, I am simply here.

It has been a very weird day, both emotionally and physically. I didn’t go on social media as much as I am used to nor did I talk to anybody but my boyfriend. Regarding my post from yesterday, I received some messages from people through my e-mail and through other social media outlets. It’s weird that people not only read my blog but care. Thank you so much, it really does mean a lot. I haven’t gotten back to anybody because I still don’t have the right mindset. I feel like I am drowning.

I am sleeping on the couch because there are a lot of bugs in my room. I removed the screen from my window because my mom was going to install new windows to help preserve our ac/heater. I forgot to put it back on and I left my window open all day. When I went in there a couple of hours ago, they were all over the ceiling next to the light. They were these green bugs that could fly. I am pretty sure they are harmless but I don’t like bugs at all… so the couch will have to do.

I took a nap earlier and when I woke up I felt so nauseated. My stomach felt really hot and like I was going to puke in a matter of seconds. I had only ate avocado bread and nothing else. I don’t know if it was that or what. It’s weird because I feel the exact same way I did when I started taking my first anxiety medication back in January/February/March. I was taken into the E.R due to this exact feeling that I am getting. Of course it isn’t as mild as it was before, but I am so scared. I really do not want to take a trip down memory lane. Those are the memories I am trying to forget and I especially do not want to relive it. I haven’t been able to eat or drink anything because it all feels like it wants to come out. My anxiety is really just trying to knock down the wall that my medication put up. I have an appointment to talk about my anxiety meds, but I really do not want to up my dose.

I deleted the Etsy shop app off my phone just so that I don’t bring myself down so much when I don’t see “_____ purchased an item”. I have 5 orders to fill plus some orders from my Vinted profile. The only positive thing from today was that one of my old high school friends made me a new logo for Latina Shadows. Which means that I will be changing my blog (upgrading), Instagram, Facebook, and Etsy shop to correlate with the logo. I am very excited and I hope this I can motivate and inspire myself to not give up. Regarding, those brand ambassadors that did that to me, I think it’s best that I drop any feelings of hatred that I have built up. I can’t even say that it was unexpected behavior because they aren’t the best people. I should definitely go the extra mile to make sure that I only have people who stand for similar beliefs as me and who have respect for me. I think I am going to start to pay my brand ambassadors. It will be probably be per post and they will be required to post about my shop once. Again, once I get my new logo I am going to try and make more beneficial changes.

Now that I have come to the end of this blog post, I feel a lot better, emotionally. I still have a bit of anxiety but I think that being able to let everything out will forever be my go to detox. I love being able to say what I want without having that fear in my gut that someone is going to judge me. Yeah sure, people read this but I don’t know who and for once being oblivious is good.

Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.

– 1 Timothy 4:12

September 25, 2017

Todays blog entry is just a big bag of emotions. I hope you can understand that, if you choose to keep reading. I am severely depressed. I feel so alone even though I am practically in a crowd of people that love me.

A lady messaged me on my Etsy shop about trademark infringement. Apparently, it’s illegal for me to sell items that have to do with Selena Quintanilla. I don’t know if this lady was legit, but I took down the items. I am really upset and unmotivated now. I feel like taking down my shop and giving up on it. I’ve been really depressed these past couple of days and all I want to do is sleep. This was simply the icing to all of my problems. I haven’t sold anything in the past 2 days and maybe this isn’t for me. I am trying to cover up my problems by finding hobbies to keep me occupied but that simply isn’t working out for me. With my photography business, I am not charging the amount that I should be making for my work. I am devaluing what I think of my art work. I deserve at least $80 per session… not $10. I should just get a job and stop trying to build a platform for myself. I am a 19 year old girl who is taking SFSU online courses, living with her parents, and spending most of her life sleeping. I reached out to my sister and I showed her the e-mail that this lady had sent me about trademark infringement. She texted me about 20 times telling me that this was really serious and that I really need to take my items down. If anything hurts me more, it was probably having to reach out to my sister. Ever since my whole anxiety incident at the gas station and having to move back home, I felt as if my sister had lost about every ounce of respect for me. I started this shop, partially to try and keep myself out of my head, but to try and show my sister that I could be successful. I am 100% certain that it is going to take me longer than 4 years to graduate from college. I am really embarrassed because my sister has always cracked jokes about how her friends have taken over 4 years to graduate. We don’t have a close bond anymore. It is mostly just texting each other questions and what not. When she comes to visit we talk about 3-4 times and that’s about it. She leaves to go hang out with her friends and I have to wait another 6 months to see her. I let her down again.

Prior to writing this blog entry, I had been thinking about everything I was going to write. I was going to mention the person who intruded into our home, getting the cops called on me for being on private property, the lady at Starbucks who yelled at the worker, my photoshoots, and a whole lot of everything. Now, I am sitting on my couch staring at the door at 12:40pm, thinking to myself, not today Irma.

Okay, it is now 9:50pm and I was way to depressed and not in the right mindset to finish this blog entry. For the most part, everything I said I still feel at the moment. I feel like I am putting a lot of work into nothing. I went to therapy today and we started talking about the amount of anxiety attacks I have been having this month. I got really emotional, because I was figuring out my triggers. I have quite a few due to that night at the gas station. It’s a good thing though, now I can try to avoid triggering panic attacks. It is very upsetting, I should say. Having to adjust into this new lifestyle while incorporating my old life, is draining me. Right not, I feel beyond overwhelmed. Not with school, not with therapy, not with anxiety, not with my etsy shop, not with photography, but with life. There is so many things going on in the world that I feel that my problems are unnecessary and stupid. I get it, trust me. I am just very emotional and I am trying to gather myself. I am just in a lot of pain…

While I was building my Etsy shop, I was seeking brand ambassadors. I gave out free shirts, phone cases, and bags to people who reached out to me. Keep in mind that not only did I spend my own money on the supplies to create my items, but I also spent my time. I haven’t heard from about half those people since. Not one post have I seen from their behalf. Not one text. Nothing. I feel used. I take about 45-60 minutes on one shirt, and that’s if I don’t make a mistake. I understand that you shouldn’t promote something you don’t like. I respect peoples opinions, but they should’ve returned the item to me or let me know. Am I stupid for creating this Etsy shop? Should I just give up on it?..

Here’s the thing, the girl that messaged me that she was going to file a lawsuit on my trademark infringement didn’t realize that I am not a dumbass. I clicked on her profile to find out that not only has she favorited other violations to “trademark infringement”, but she has a shop herself. I should mention once again that I took down my items that had any association with Selena Quintanilla. Which were about 5 different shirts, each having about 3-4 styles (v-neck, long sleeve, hoodie, tie dye, etc.). The truth is that I make about $2-$3 profit from the shirts. I sell them for so cheap, that I don’t earn any money to keep for myself. Especially when I make mistakes, I make NEGATIVE profit. This girl that had messaged me had been favoriting shops that were selling Drake stickers and Jenni Rivera pins. I don’t like cursing, but what the fuck type of common sense is this shit? I couldn’t name one song by Drake even if my life depended on it, but I know that most people can. That is besides the point, Jenni Rivera pins?? I don’t even know if anybody understand what I am trying to get at, but the point is I don’t know if she is real. Like I said earlier, she has a shop of her own where she sells words on tees, similar to mine. She has quite a few song lyrics on the back of the tees. I feel harassed, because she probably just saw me as competition. Whatever, it is what it is and this girl really isn’t trying to get into any problems.

I know that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, but I can’t help it. I feel like the old me would hate the new me. The old me doesn’t exist anymore, but dang does my inner critic resemble her so much.

But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.

– 2 Chronicles 15:7