January 21, 2018

I’ve always been the type of girl to read ahead in a book just to see what happens. When watching movies I look up spoilers or skip to the end to see the truth be revealed. In life, I don’t get that option. I am straddled down in a car takin on every bump on the road as I head to whatever destination that awaits me. Man, has it been a bumpy road.

My spring semester of college begins tomorrow and boy am I afraid. First of all, I will not be receiving any aid to help with the costs of my textbooks, transportation, and personal expenses. Due to transferring to my local community college in my hometown, I probably was seen as a student who was enrolled at SFSU with 0 credits. Meaning, no financial aid for Irma. It frustrates me how I received no help from my community college nor the counselor at San Francisco State. I don’t know anything and I am going into a new school blank. I still haven’t withdrawn from San Francisco State, because I want to make sure I receive some sort of grant so that I could buy my textbooks. I registered in 5 courses so you can imagine how worried I am about the book situation. I still haven’t received the “okay” from my therapist to go out and get a job, so man am I praying for a miracle.

I am afraid.

This is a new chapter in my life. A chapter that I would have never found myself in. Irma in a community college. A part of me is happy that I am still doing everything in my ability to receive an education regardless of my situation. But, at the same time I am embarrassed. Now, I feel like I need to explain myself on this, not for those reading this but for myself. When I say I am embarrassed I don’t mean it towards other people, because I don’t have people in my life. By people I mean acquaintances- in high school, for example, I had peers who knew me and I knew them, but now I don’t have that. It’s a good thing. The person I am embarrassed with is myself. I am one hell of a critic when it comes to my education. A part of me asks, “why couldn’t you love science? You would’ve been at UC Davis and not on anxiety medication.” So many “what-ifs” that I find it hard to think about reality. Reality is, I start my online courses at Woodland Community College tomorrow and I have my first in person course on Wednesday. Reality is, I need to stop caring so much about people who aren’t even in my life. Reality is, seeing people you went to high school with on campus should mean nothing to you because they hold no role in your life. It’s not healthy to feel like this. It’s not okay to be trembling and being afraid of driving across town to receive an education. It’s not okay, Irma. This is why you are how you are. You get anxious over nothing and create scenes in your mind, of shit that is not going to happen.

It’s time to heal those wounds, Irma.

College at San Francisco State was a real bitch. You were alone and it wasn’t the good kind of alone. You chased a friend that acted like you weren’t standing right in front of her. You were unhappy at that school because frankly, you’ve never thought about college or your “dream school” up until decision day, your senior year of high school. You have never imagined yourself attending a university because reality being, that wasn’t in your dreams. You were filled up with depression, that you didn’t even think you’d make it. Guess what? You’re on your second semester of your sophomore year and it’s time to grow up. You are no longer in San Francisco. You are no longer living in a rat and ant infested apartment. You are no longer working 3 jobs. You are no longer alone, Irma. Take advantage of every learning opportunity because you have one right in front of you.

12:31 AM

Today, I am a student at a community college. Today and forever on, I am okay with that. Today also marks one month without anxiety. Today, is a perfect day to start that new chapter, Irma.

“How would your life be different if…You stopped allowing other people to dilute or poison your day with their words or opinions? Let today be the day…You stand strong in the truth of your beauty and journey through your day without attachment to the validation of others”

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Mexico: The Food

I have been waiting to make a blog post about this subject and now that I am officially writing it.. I don’t know where to begin. Most of my blog posts are always ALL OVER THE PLACE and have no sense of organization so you can only imagine how this is going to go.

Let’s talk about food.

Ice Cream

Everyday that I was in Amatitan, Jalisco, Mexico I went to el centro and got ice cream. It became a bonding moment between my cousins and I. It’s weird because walking to el centro to grab an ice cream is a lot more fun than driving to Baskin Robbins here in the United States. Saying that to another fellow latino/a they would tell you, “no shit”, but to those who have never been to Mexico, this is for you. Going to grab ice cream became my favorite thing to do while I was in Mexico. We would leave our house (my sister, 2-3 cousins and I) and we would arrive to the ice cream shop being 6-8 of us.Screen Shot 2018-01-17 at 11.47.58 PMEveryone knows one another and the vibes are always positive. Here in the United States, you can’t look at someone without them thinking that you have bad intentions. Making small talk with a stranger can be considered weird, which I am not here for. I inserted a map of the walk we would take to get to the ice cream shop. It was a 15 minute walk that felt like a 2 minute walk. We would get so caught up into talking and eating our ice cream that literally flew by.

Chasca, Salchipulpos, Elote y Mas 

Shortly before leaving Mexico I discovered a Chasca-Fruta. If you don’t know what that is, I highly recommend you find out and you try it. Well, once the discovery was made, I WAS HOOKED. As for the churros and papas… they were made right in front of me. The ice cream was too, but I didn’t see it of course. Right outside of the church, a lot of people sold food. They had chips, churros, corn, tostilocos, salchipulpos, elotes, hot dogs, hamburgers, shasca, and a lot more. I was in heaven. In the first photo above, you will see me holding a chasca, papas, and churros. I purchased all of that in a matter of one night. I devoured it pretty quickly and right after I got tacos. I had to take advantage of the good not processed foot. You know?

Salchipulpos- fried weenies with french fries

Tostilocos- chips with anything of your choice; cueritos, elote con queso y chile, plain

Chasca- frozen fruit of your choice with frozen yogurt and a special machine is used to blend it but that’s about it

Something very common over in Amatitan is fresas con crema. I don’t like crema so I didn’t try it, but my cousins would eat about 2-3 a day. It looks good, don’t get me wrong, but I am lactose-intolerant so it grossed me out. During the tianguis (a street market), it’s almost as if there are more food options such as agua de coco, raspados con crema y lechera, vasos de fruta (they sold these everyday but on tianguis tuesday they had different fruit options), and more that I don’t remember.

Tacos

I almost forgot about tacos. I had tacos about 2 times everyday. These tacos were so good. The tacos in the United States are not only overpriced and not good, but they aren’t made with love. The taco guy we went to was a family friend who also owned a store. He was the sweetest old man I have ever met. He was also extremely funny. I am usually not the biggest fan for small talk, but he actually made it enjoyable.

Now for the tacos, I wish I could virally send everyone reading this one. You haven’t lived until you have a taco from Mexico.

 

Tejuino

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Tejuino. Fuck, I have been waiting to drink a cup of cold iced tejuino since the day my mother told me we were going to Mexico. It is so rare to find a place or someone who makes them here in my hometown so I took advantage of having Tejuino at every corner. Right next to ice cream and tacos, I had tejuino everyday. I would get my tejuino in a bag in el centro, because I had assumed all the tejuino tasted the same- BOY WAS I WRONG.The tejuino that I had en el centro was good. It was great. It was a solid 10/10. But then on Tianguis (a street market) Tuesday, I was introduced to a new street corner tejuino maker. It was at the end of the street where our family business was located. I actually have footage of this tejuino being made which will be in my travel video (waiting for my camera to get fixed). This tejuino was made by an angels bare hands. Knowing that there was such a great tejuino available to me being made, I was not going to be purchasing from anyone but him. He set the bar and boy, he set it HIGH. I did try a tejuino while I was in Tequila, but I didn’t get the chance to really enjoy it since we were being rushed. I actually don’t really remember it. All I know is that we had to walk about a good mile or so to get to the Tejuino guy and it was not worth the walk. I love Tejuino so much.

Bonding with Food

I truly mean it when I say this.

The food was the best part.

During my visit to Mexico, my stomach did not get messed up. Usually when I leave my hometown I get sick and don’t eat. I get used to a certain type of food and anything that is not exact, makes my stomach turn into a monster. As you can see, I ate a lot. I only mentioned foods that I ate as “snacks” or “to try out”. I did not talk about what I ate for breakfast, lunch or dinner.

In Mexico, you eat every 2 hours. I have come to the conclusion that due to all the high activity of cleaning, cooking, and walking; you eat a lot more in a day. I could be wrong and this could just be my family. I don’t know.

I will be writing about prices and what not but I’m going to slightly be touching this subject in this blog post.

So.

Yes. I was amazed by the prices. The ice cream that you see in the photos above were 17 pesos. Seventeen. Divide 17 by 18.30 which was the price of the dollar and you get, 92-93 cents. The Chasca’s were 22 pesos, which is $1.20. Tacos were 7 pesos each, which is 38 cents.

It being that cheap, I ate so much. I gained 10 pounds. 10 pounds of no regret.

Lastly.

Usually when we walked to el centro to grab food, we would walk to la plaza to consume the food we had purchased. How lovely must it be to live in Mexico. I made so many observations while sitting on the benches. Couples would walk around eating their salchipulpos, elotes, tacos, chasca, etc. while bonding. It’s such a different lifestyle, and it truly is beautiful. No mouth goes unfed. It is true when they say that those who have nothing are the ones that give the most. 

For he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things.

– Psalm 107:9

Bermuda Triangle Lifestyle

12:44am

It’s a new day. Well, more like another day.

I am so tired of reliving everyday. Being stuck in this room but at the same time not wanting to leave these four walls of comfort.

I want to be someone else. I want to be more happier and go out more. I want to go to church and find a coffee shop that I’ll strangely become addicted too. I want to go to school, physically rather than through online courses, and go to parties after a long week of class. I want to go on road trips or have simple drives to the beach. I want to go on runs and eat healthier. I want to go hiking and create more travel videos. I want to be a 19 year old girl.

But..

I’ve been pushing everyone away. A part of me is hoping that if I manage to make everyone leave me alone I can just disappear. I have been sleeping my life away. I’m not even actually here most of the time. It’s as if I am dead about 70% of the time and the times that I am actually “living”, it’s at 12:51am.

On Sunday, I went to go grab pizza with my boyfriend at like 8ish pm. Normally, it’s a blast and his presence fills a void. That night, I just wanted to go back home. Nothing against my boyfriend, but I didn’t want to be laughing or having a good time. I wanted to be on my bed thinking about the physics behind laying on this bed. I wanted to be depressed.

That scares me so much.

If you know me, you know that I am crazy. A good crazy. If you don’t know me, well yeah, I am crazy. I make inappropriate jokes at complete wrong times to the wrong people. I laugh at my own jokes, those I say at loud and those that I think to myself. I am funny, well kind of. I think i’m funny.

This girl that I see in the mirror isn’t me. I don’t want to be her. I don’t want to keep seeing that girl. I want to be crazy, which is normal to me.

Therapy, weekly visits to the doctors, sleeping all day, scrolling through social media to see what people are doing while laying in my room, etc. That’s my life, wordpress users and twitter followers who decided to click on my link and read this. Aren’t you disgusted? I am.

God, I don’t even think any of this makes sense. I am just waiting for the day that I can look back on these blog posts and laugh. I am writing this in tears.

For lack of a better word and being to lazy to go look at synonymous on Google: I am just so tired.

I think it’s good for a person to spend time alone. It gives them an opportunity to discover who they are and to figure out why they are always alone.

– Someone on the internet

Too Much Sleeping?

Where do I even begin?

Ah, I know. I can’t sleep. Now I know what you’re thinking, insomnia? No. I am actually sleeping a little over 12 hours everyday.

What? Yeah, I am going crazy.

Back in December I was sent to the lab to get blood drawn to try and get an answer as to why I have been so tired. This is what I got:

Glucose- Normal ; Urea Nitrogen- Normal ;  Creatinine- Normal ; eGFR-Normal  Bun/Creatinine- Normal ; Sodium- Normal ;  Potassium- Normal  ;  Chloride- Normal    Carbon Dioxide- Normal ; Calcium- Normal ; White Blood Cell- Normal  ; Red Blood Cell- Normal  ;  Hemoglobin- Normal  ; Hematocrit- Normal  ; MCV- Normal ;  MCH- Normal     MCHC- Normal ; RDW- Normal ; MPV- Normal ; Platelet Cnt- Normal ; Neutrophils- Normal ; Lymphocytes- Normal ; Monocytes- Normal ; Eosinophils- Normal  ;TSH Reflex- Normal ;  Vitamin D- Normal ; Vitamin D3- Normal ;Vitamin D2- Normal

I am so thankful to have good health and that all my tests came out good. On the other hand, I am left with no answers as to why I am so tired. I have incorporated exercise, vegetables, fruits, and more water into my lifestyle. What could be the problem?

My life is revolved around sleeping or being tired and wishing I was sleeping. The issue with giving myself the time to sleep and rest is that I wake up more tired than what I did before I went to sleep.

Last week I had a doctors appointment to go over my results and she had no answers for me. Nothing but, “uh”, “yeah”, and “hm”. She has sent my endless amount of problems over to my therapist, which is where I received some answers. Before I talk about it, I want to mention a small detail.  A while back my doctor told me I have PTSD. She took everything I had told her about my situation and made a conclusion. It was never written down or actually taken serious because it was more of a comment than a diagnosis. When I saw my therapist on Thursday for my last session, or what I thought was my last, she randomly decided to test me for it with a serious of questions. I received the highest score, which would normally be a good thing but not for doctor visits, for PTSD. Due to this new discovery of my long list of problems, my therapist extended my sessions.

What does this have to do with not being able to sleep?

My exact question.

On February 3rd, I experienced a traumatic event. My world was shifted upside down. From that day up until August, I put everything aside and tried my best to deal with my anxiety. That night, was thrown under a rug in hopes that it would disappear. Of course, nothing just “disappears”. What seems to have happened was I got rid of the rug and forgot about everything I stuff under it that it all started to attack my brain. Not that great with figures of speech, but you get what I mean. My therapist and I came up with some possible answers for not being able to sleep.

I should mention this very important detail. I dream a lot. I have about 6-8 dreams whenever I lay down to sleep and I remember all of it.

For about a good 3-4 months my dreams have been about living in San Francisco, the night at the gas station, being alone, dying, starting school at a community college, where I would be right now if that night wouldn’t have happened, my jobs in San Francisco, and more. Basically, I have been stressing myself out in my dreams that I am not getting any rest when I sleep, which is why I am waking up more tired than before closing my eyes. On top of that, I have nightmares about that night at the gas station and they haunt me. It has been months of reliving the worst day of my life.

It’s January 14th and it is almost about to be a year since that awful night happened. All these memories are attacking my thoughts and draining my mind.

I am sleeping too much but not sleeping at all.

I am tired all the time. I feel like I am going crazy because all I do is sleep. The walls in my bedroom seem to be getting smaller and smaller as the days go by. What do I do? How do I get through this?

Even in times of trauma, we try to maintain a sense of normality until we no longer can. That, my friends, is called surviving. Not healing. We never become whole again … we are survivors. If you are here today… you are a survivor. But those of us who have made it thru hell and are still standing? We bare a different name: warriors.

– Goodwin

Mexico: My Anxiety

I feel that before I can start any topic on my road trip to Mexico, I must talk about my anxiety. My biggest fear leading up to the date that I left for my 2-3 day drive was, what am I going to do if I get an anxiety attack? In moments of vulnerability I don’t think about anything but to cry and well… feel vulnerable. My father, my brother, and a family friend was in the car with us. Yup, that’s right. Three men and one girl. None of them being educated with anxiety or have any bit knowledge on what to do if it happens.

My biggest fear.

Where do I begin? The road trip or the trip in itself? Well let me just say that it doesn’t matter because I did not get anxiety. Fuck, that feels so good to say. From the 21st of December up until the 5th of January my body was anxiety free. Up till this day, I have been anxiety free. Thank God.

I should mention though that I had a small panic/anxiety attack at a rest stop one hour into the road trip. Partially because I mentioned that nobody in the car had any clue what this mental illness that we call anxiety is.

I’m still going to write a rather long blog post for it though.

From the minute we left my house, I decided to write on my Notes section of my phone to take note of every time I had a feeling of anxiety. Here is what I have:

12/21; 5:00am: My first anxiety attacked my body. God, put a rest spot in front of our eyes at that VERY MOMENT when I turned to my dad and told him “me siento mal”. We pulled over in the rest spot and I sat in the car as the fresh cold air hit my body. I want to go home. My dad came around the car since I insisted that I wasn’t going to go to the bathroom alone. Once we were away from the man we were giving a ride and my brother, I lost it. Tears ran down my face and I stopped being strong. Vulnerability arose. I was weak. My body was shaking from the cold and the anxiety. I want go back home. I can’t do this. I need my mom. I’m sorry.

12/21; 6:04am: Saw a shooting star and wished for no more anxiety attacks. I ask God for forgiveness for being selfish and using that wish on myself.

12/21; 6:07pm: it’s getting dark and I’m starting to realize that my anxiety is going to start kicking in. I have PTSD and driving at night reminds me of the night at the gas station. I think I’ll be fine. We are on our way to the hotel room.

That’s all I wrote down.

When we pulled over to the rest stop and my father walked me to the restroom, I reminded him that I didn’t feel good. I hugged him and actually broke down in his arms, which I forgot to mention in my notes. I found it very comforting to hear my dad tell me that if I needed anything he would pull over for me and that he would drive at a pace that I felt comfortable. He reminded me that he is going to be there for me just like my mom is when I have anxiety attacks. Hearing those words come from my dad made me feel so good. Not only that but I saw the fear in his eyes. My mother is usually the one that handles my anxiety. He is normally the one that stands by in case of an emergency. Once I got back in the car, it was as if nothing had happened. My anxiety had vanished.

I also took note on how I got through the little bits of anxiety I felt when I had gotten back in the car:

  1. Hug. Asked my dad to give me a tight long hug. Doesn’t make sense reading it but trust me it helps a lot. The comfort of someone holding you does a lot more than you will ever imagine.
  2. Music. Now I usually listen to upbeat music like “electric avenue”, “living in a prayer”, and others. For my anxiety, I knew listening to these songs wasn’t going to be helpful since I am very sensitive. I put some low slow tunes on such as Therapy by Khalid, Not about Angels, feeling Whitney and others. It helped me a lot.
  3. Warmth. I covered myself more and the warmth felt like hugs.
  4. Water. I took a couple of sips of water and it helped settle my stomach. The nausea started to disappear and anxiety tagged along.

54 hours later we got to our destination; Amatitan, Jalisco, Mexico.

I stepped out of my comfort zone a lot during this trip and I don’t regret the slightest bit of it. The first couple of days that we were in Mexico it was just my mother (she arrived on a plane due to work), my father, my brother, and I. Of course there was about 50+ family members there, but I am talking about my siblings and parents. I found this comfort in knowing that my sister was going to be my backbone during this trip. If we went swimming out of the city, to get ice cream, or simply anything and my parents weren’t around, I was going to be turning to her for comfort and help. So, the first couple of days she was still in Ventura, California working. My cousins insisted on taking me to El Centro to get some ice cream, tacos, churros, chasca, etc. These girls are about 8-12 years old so it was quite difficult for me to say no to their little cute faces. I caved in and once we started walking, I had a thoughts and questions at the back of my mind:

How far is this? Would if I get an anxiety attack? These 2 girls are 9 and 12 years old and have no idea what anxiety is. Should I just turn around? Is this a good idea? Irma?! What do I do??? Can’t you just wait until your sister comes home?

By the time we crossed a main road that crosses through Amatitan, every inch of fear that I felt I had disappeared. Everyone in this city knew me. From left to right. People were greeting me and asking when we got to town. I felt safe. El centro ended up being a 10 minute walk from my house. I was going to be okay.

Before leaving to Mexico, my mother had a talk with me. Due to work, she was going to have to fly back home the 25th of December, but she would be coming back the 28th of December. I was dreading this day. There was no way I was not going to have an anxiety attack. No way. On the 24th, we stayed up until 4am, which in California is actually 2am so my sleeping schedule was already used to going to bed at the time. I was so tired that when my mother left the 25th, I didn’t really notice. On the 26th we ended up going swimming and having a blast. My family knows about my anxiety and how I get so the did everything in their will to make sure I was okay. When my mother left, my aunts arrived at the house early in the morning everyday they took care of all of us. From cleaning to cooking to simply making us laugh.

Over here in California or the United States in general, I don’t have a lot of family. I have one uncle that lives in the same city as us which I communicate with a lot because of my cousin, then an uncle in San Jose who I never see, an uncle in Texas who I don’t see often but we do talk, and then an aunt in San Diego whose name I don’t even know. The holidays has become a time of being lonely and bitter. It’s usually my mom, dad, brother and I. Time to time my sister tries her best to come to town, but it’s pretty rare. On top of that I don’t really socialize. I’m your typical anti-social girl. Mexico was an overall different environment and living experience for me. The minute I entered this country it was as if border patrol didn’t let my anxiety pass.

You’ll travel safely, you’ll neither tire nor trip. You’ll take afternoon naps without a worry, you’ll enjoy a good night’s sleep. No need to panic over alarms or surprises, or predictions that doomsday’s just around the corner, Because God will be right there with you; he’ll keep you safe and sound.
– Proverbs 3:23-26

January 5, 2018

One of my new years resolution is for me to write more than what I normally do. I don’t expect myself to write everyday but I want to start writing more. It’s day 5 of 2018 and I am barely getting around to writing a new blog post… BUT I have a good excuse. I barely got home from Mexico yesterday and I no access to wi-fi. I took notes of different ideas that came to my mind of posts that I want to write about. My trip to Mexico was such an amazing experience and there is so much that I want to talk about. THERE’S A LOT, so I was thinking of making different chapters for every topic that comes to mind. Here are some blog post ideas I have in mind:

1. My Trip To Mexico

1. The Food   2. The Culture   3. Transportation  4. Money   5. Family Problems

6. Our haunted house    7. Coming from the USA/Ungratefulness  8. Photos

9. My anxiety

2. New Years resolutions

3. Body Positivity (need more models)

It’s a new year, which is like a new clean sheet of paper. Entering the new year with a 15 day streak of being anxiety free. I will be talking about my anxiety in my Mexico blog post but I am so happy and thankful to have had been able to escape from my anxiety while I was on vacation.

This blog post is short but I feel that putting this out there will motivate me to start writing more. Sort of like an outline and ideas that I have. I have never been a big fan of “starting” things, but I enjoy doing them once I am in it. I hope that made sense.

Well..

Happy New Year everyone! I hope this year is filled with blessings and happiness for everyone! Let’s see what this year has in store for all of us.

There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.

– Proverbs 23:18

November 24, 2017

I feel like I haven’t done an actual daily blog post in a such a long time. I am not quite sure why, but I do at the same time. I love to write but I just hate the “starting”. I hope I can start a new “streak” of posting consistently… I HOPE.

Anyways.

I went Black Friday shopping and I didn’t know how much social anxiety I had until yesterday. Well actually I went “Black Thursday” shopping and then “Black Friday shopping. I purchased my very first adidas clothing item that was not from a thrift store or previously owned. That was exciting and sort of a regrettable feeling, because I spent $60 on 3 jackets. I mean don’t get me wrong that is a great deal, but I feel like it is all a scam. I have never been the type of girl to spend a lot of money clothes due to how often I grow out of styles. One day i’ll be into the “sporty” look and the next minute i’ll be over it. I prefer to shop at thrift stores where I can enhance clothing items without getting that feeling of regret. Growing up, I learned to adapt to a different life style than most people. We would only purchase clothes from thrift stores and I was okay with it. My brother on the other hand buys $200 shoes about once a month, which I can write a whole blog post about it. I don’t get it. I truly don’t. If you are reading this and you yourself buy $200 shoes, please give me a reason as to why you do it. It takes me about a good 1 hour to convince myself to buy $39 shoes from Vans. It’s not because I am cheap, but because I grew up being dressed with clothes from the thrift store that it’s crazy for me to go buy something at full price when I can get it almost 80% off somewhere else. I don’t know, call me crazy.

Sorry for that small rant.

This year’s thanksgiving was by far not the best one. I have gotten so used to celebrating it with my small little family at home. My mother, father, sister, brother, and I. This year we went to my mom’s friends house who had a few people over and we celebrated it there. They were all strangers and I was sort of just sitting there on my phone. Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely thankful that I was able to receive a full FULL FULL FULL  course meal, but I wish my sister would’ve visited.

Anyways, I am so thankful for this year. This has been by far the worst year of my 19 years of life, but I am beyond grateful for it. I think that God put this experience in my path as a way to give me a wake up call. I was doing a lot of things solely for the money. I wanted to spoil everyone as well as make everyone happy. I was putting everyone before me. I was working my ass off and going to school, yet rewarding other people when I should have been patting myself on the back. I didn’t realize how good I had it, until now. I was living in San Francisco, going to a CSU, working a job that paid $14.25 an hour, making a few friends, and spending time hiking and at the beach. I was always on the move, stressed out, breaking out in huge amount of acne, not eating, cleaning for my HORRIBLE roommates, running out of gas in the city, etc. I am a sole believer that things happen for a reason. I took a path that wasn’t the correct one for me. It wasn’t faith for me to attend San Francisco State University. It wasn’t faith for me to be in Lambda Theta Nu. It wasn’t faith for me to make a solid friendship out there. It wasn’t faith for me to be happy. I was in a toxic relationship with San Francisco. It wasn’t for me. FUCK, I look back on my journey in the city and I ask myself, “How did you manage?”. Regardless of how much I hate anxiety, I am really grateful that it removed me from the city. I am also so thankful for Kelly from the fire station in Berkeley {Click Here to read blog post}.

Ok.

As it gets closer to Christmas my anxiety gets heightened by the fear of traveling to Mexico. I haven’t been in over 8 years and my emotions are all over the place. A part of me is so happy and excited, but I am also afraid. I am scared of being in another country where I don’t know if I will be able to get help if I need it. My mother will unfortunately not be there the first couple of days while we are out there which is mainly why I am so afraid. You see, my father loves me a lot but he doesn’t quite understand anxiety. My mother having experience and being on medication herself, knows anxiety inside and out. She knows how to calm me down. Her presence is definitely quite calming and relaxing to be around. I’ve been speaking to my therapist of how much I can’t wait for the day to come but at the same time i’m trying to run away from it. Oblivion scares me. Will I get an anxiety while I am out there? Will I be cured? Will I be okay? Will I be in and out of the hospital over there? I hate the not knowing.

I am having a 30% Black Friday Sale right now on my Etsy shop. It ends on Saturday at 11:59pm so make sure to pick something up if you are interested! {Click Here to Shop}. To anyone who has made a purchase, I am very thankful for your kindness, support, and appreciation for my listings.

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving as well as a good Black Friday… whatever that means, HA. Don’t forget to set your scale back 10 pounds this week 😉

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

– Philippians 4:6

Self-Destruction

I am really afraid of myself right now. The girl that is looking back in that mirror… I don’t know her. I don’t want to know her. I don’t want to accept the fact that, that girl is me. My mental health has deteriorated and so has my want to live. I am nothing but another problem taking up room in this overpopulated planet. I’m not suicidal, so please do not tell me I am. I simply do not want to be in this body or this life.

None of this will make sense unless I explain myself.

I unlocked my phone and clicked on the Notes app to write:

The amount of craving for suicide has filled every ounce of my body like my car gets filled at a gas station. I am ready to disappear into the silence of the night. I am ready for their to no longer be a piece of me known. I am ready to not exist anymore.

I came home and went directly into the bathroom. Showering has this impact on my emotions and it is a location where I can just let everything that I am feeling go. I turned on the shower and the bathroom suddenly became a Sauna. I unclothed myself and felt nothing but a cold breeze along my body. I lost it. The tears began to camoflauge into the water running down my face. I collapsed. Full force. I grabbed my knees and comforted myself. “This too shall pass, Irma”… “God please give me strength”… I repeated these phrases to myself hoping for a miracle or two.

I didn’t end my life but I ended my 822 self-harm streak. I watched as the blood dripped down the drain and how there was no going back after today. The thoughts and anger I felt at myself was at its all time high. It was its own person. I think about it now that I am a lot more calmer and I ask myself why I did it. Was that necessary? After hiding it from my therapist for the past 10 sessions, I am going to have to confess this hidden feeling to her. I am afraid that she will not understand or hear me out. Am I a freak for feeling like this? Is this why I have no friends? Is this why I lost a tooth yesterday morning? What is happening to me…

I sit here on my bed writing this post wondering how life could’ve been without my mental health problems. I trace the cuts on my thigh and think, how is it that i’ve grown in age but decreased in strength?

I stopped taking my anxiety medication. Three days without taking my daily dose of 50mg of Sertraline. I am suppose to be on my second bottle and I still have about 1-2 weeks left of medication from my first bottle. I can’t find myself to take them. I don’t want to take medication anymore. I skip 1-3 days and depression/suicide attack me at full force. It’s funny because before I started taking my anxiety medication I would hear/read that people would kill themselves if they stopped taking it and I would never believe it. How could skipping a dosage make you suicidal? Now I say, how can skipping a dosage NOT make you feel like this? It’s like my body is telling me, “give me my daily dose or i’ll attack your brain.” I wish I could explain my emotions in a better way, rather than saying “suicidal”. I am not suicidal, I just don’t want to feel this anymore. I don’t want to have anxiety or depression anymore. I want to be normal or whatever it is that can get me through a day of being okay.

I should explain myself now.

I went out to eat with my boyfriend, his sister, and my brother. Steves Pizza, my treat. Afterwards we headed to Open Rice Kitchen to get boba, my treat. Had less tan $100 in my bank account and had to pay a $62 pill before 12am, but I also wanted to have fun. I chose them. I chose a moment of happiness over a moment of stress. I wasn’t planning on purchasing any boba, because I was still full from the pizza. I got one, because I knew my boyfriend was going to want some. He hasn’t been working lately, so I know he doesn’t like to trouble me with paying for his stuff. Here’s the thing, I got his back financially and emotionally. I got one for myself to later give to him. When my brother bought the drinks over to us, I wanted to record myself opening the boba. The past 2 times that I have came to this restaurant, I have noticed that it is quite difficult to open the drink. The lid is on their tight so stabbing the straw through is not easy. I decided to do it at full force and just get it over with at once. That was my mistake.

The drink exploded everywhere. Well not everywhere. It all spilled on my boyfriend and I saw the anger overflow his body. I didn’t know what to do but laugh because everyone turned to look at us. Everyone turned to judge me for doing that. He turned to me and very loudly said, “are you serious” and walked out. My brother, his sister, and I were laughing to try and make it seem okay. I didn’t want to laugh anymore. It wasn’t funny. I was never even funny. I couldn’t stop. I was embarrassed, everyone was staring at us. I felt my anxiety slap me across the face. What do I do? Do I get up and walk out? Do I sit there and pretend nothing happened? Why do I do this? Why can I never do anything right? He walked back in a couple of minutes later and he stood their with his fists clenched together. He was angry. Over 4 years of dating him and I know that when he clenches his fists, it means it’s time one of us goes home and gets out of the other persons face. I got up and so did my brother and my boyfriends sister. We started walking to my car. I wanted to take a photo with all the lights but we were seemingly walking away from them at a fast pace. How do I ask for a photo if everyones mad at me? When we got near the car I asked his sister to take a photo of us.

A night turned from this:

To complete silence. It angered me so I began to show my emotions through my driving. I know I shouldn’t have and I regret it. I truly did. If it weren’t for them in the car, I would’ve done a lot worse. Now my brother is angry at me for embarrassing him with my depression and refuses to talk to me. On top of that my father hasn’t spoken to me, because I have been ignoring him. He got drunk the other day and while we were waiting for the churros to be ready he decided to tell me how he felt about my boyfriend. Not only that but he called me words that as his daughter or simply as a human being should never be told. I have put up with a lot but I wasn’t going to let him sit there and speak out of his ass.

I regret this whole day. I regret thinking it was okay for me to take my emotions and anger out on my body. I try to look on the bright side of every situation and after this situation I am ready to talk to my therapist. I have been so afraid to look this women in the face and tell her how I truly feel. She always asks me how I am doing and how the past couple of days have been but a part of me is never truthful. I don’t ever go out and I have nobody to call when my boyfriend and mother are working. I am screwed without those two people. I am a lonely person. I am barely getting by but I am fighting. I know that sometimes my blog posts show nothing by negativity and downhills at times, but shit it’s like trying to climb Mount Everest with 12 inch heels blind. I am learning my weaknesses and my strengths as I go through my days. I guess I should know myself better by now but I don’t. I still cry myself to sleep and get anxiety attacks at fast food drive thru’s. But I guess I am missing the big picture, just like my therapist says. The fact that I am managing to go through every anxiety attack and trying is something to give myself a lot more credit about than what I do.

So.

Irma, I love you. I know that right now you are going through something so ugly. Something that you wouldn’t even wish on your worse enemy. It’s even uglier that you manage to do it by yourself. I don’t think you give your battles enough credit. You wake up every Monday and go to therapy. You get out of bed and you talk to a complete stranger abut your feelings. You are dealing with your feelings now rather than later. You go girl.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Call 1-800-273-8255 (Available 24 hours everyday)

 

 

 …so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it

– Isaiah 55:11

Photoshoot: Juan Acosta