I am not a good friend because I don’t know how to be one. I spend a lot of my time alone and when I am not I am usually getting shut out.
I was currently trying to give my Etsy Shop’s Instagram a makeover when I thought to myself, “Irma you should message all of your previous promoters and ask them if they would like a package shipped out to them.” The first person that came to mind was someone who I strangely built a friendship with. The last interaction that I had with her was at an almond orchard photoshoot. I took photos of her and never sent them to her. That’s another issue I have… I am my biggest critic. I took these photos of her back in February and at that time I was making my boyfriends sister’s 15 invitations along with her decorations. Along with that… well I have PTSD and that time of year is the most traumatizing for me because that’s when my life took a huge turn. I was in a really bad state of mind that I began to look at all of my abilities as weak. I didn’t like how I was shooting but since I was being paid by most of my clients I had to deliver the photos to them. Whereas this girl was the only one who I never charged. In my mind I thought, well since she didn’t pay for it then I don’t think she would care about not receiving her photos. She didn’t, which I understand. Day after day she would message me and I just remember reading her messages in my office while laying on the floor next to a hot glue gun, scissors, ribbons, RSVP cards, etc. I am so sorry. I guess a part of me was still mad at her. Previous to that shoot we had a photoshoot in her bathtub where she wore a bra and underwear. Her boyfriend was in the apartment while this shoot was happening. When I left home, I received a message from this girl saying I had to delete all of the images. Every single one of them. Her boyfriend was calling her a “slut” for doing that photoshoot. I was forced to erase every single image. I had already began to edit them… exposure, saturation, teeth whitening, making her skinnier, making the water more clear, etc. I had to erase them. I purchased the supplies to make the water along with the gas that I wasted to get to her apartment. My time- that’s priceless. A part of me was furious because I thought I had finally found a friend but reality is that someone who doesn’t value what I do doesn’t care about me. It made me so mad. She was promoting my shop at the time as well. I was letting her into my life. I sit here on my bed writing this and I am thinking.. this is all of my fault. Had I not suggested the photoshoot.. had I told her not to wear the bra and underwear into the bathtub… had I sent her the photos… had I been a normal friend.
Every week I look forward to seeing my boyfriend on Friday/Saturday. I don’t have a “girls night” out or go and get my nails done with my girl friends because I can’t seem to build strong friendships with anyone. I make a female friend and as soon as I get the feeling that I am annoying them I start to distance myself by cutting them off.
At night before I go to bed I go on my Pinterest board and always look at my private ‘Wedding Day” Board and I think.. “Irma you will never have bridesmaids at your wedding”. I am currently in the process of accepting that.
I’m still to young to be thinking about marriage but they say that you will meet your closest friends in college and well… I take online courses. I don’t ever leave this house. I genuinely think I am going crazy and who wants to be friends with a crazy person??
I messaged her and let her know that I am the worst human being. Along with the question of, “are you still going to want to promote my shop because I am sending out Promoter packages with new designs by Friday. If not let me know. Thanks”. I will be home alone tomorrow again when I read her response..
Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.