Normally at 1am I like to go on amazon and contemplate making a purchase of $300 or more. This is like an everyday thing, I am not even kidding you. I never hit the checkout button, because I am not truly myself at night. I know this because when people make plans with me after 8pm, Irma is no longer talking but rather my adrenaline. I’ve noticed that with my medication, I’ll be anxious all day but once the darkness hits the horizon this sudden flush of wanting to do things that I would normally be against, comes over me.
Now, I know what future me is thinking… why haven’t you written a blog post in almost 2 weeks?! Great question, future me. The thing is that you already know the answer. I have been a huge mess. I’ve come to realize that I have made a mess out of this blog that I am no longer that proud of. I come on here and sort of let everything out without trying to stay true to myself. The truth is, I have been suicidal and I can’t do anything that most people can. Drive to Mcdonalds to get fast food? Hell no. That means being in line where a car will pull up behind me and block my car into the drive thru. Pull up to a stop light? Hell no. Same with the fast food situation, car next to me and car behind me, what if I have a panic attack? How do I get out of this intersection? You get the point. As for me being suicidal that’s is a very personal feeling that I haven’t shared with anyone. I broadly talk about it on here, but it’s more than just a feeling for me. The thing is, I am afraid of death and have low tolerance to pain so I would never commit suicide, but the feeling is still there. This is a huge issue I have that I wish I could tell my therapist, but after being read the rules I don’t feel comfortable doing so. I am getting all over the place like I just said..
Over these past couple of weeks of not writing I have been writing. Oh, Irma.. not making sense yet again. Well, what I mean is that I’ve been writing about a lot of things but I haven’t been posting about it. I have so many topics and experiences I want to share, but I tend to take a step back and bring myself down. Does anybody read my blogs? I try to be consistent, but I don’t even know if anyone stays interested in my content. I check my statistics on which blog posts get looked at and what not, but I feel as if that’s just me. Do you ever stalk yourself? I do. At night I’ll go through my Instagram, Blog, twitter, Facebook, Youtube, etc. I find myself to be interesting, haha. Once again, I am off topic.
I’ve been working so hard on keeping myself grounded but I am not going to lie, it has been a rough journey. Etsy shop, last week I had about 15 orders with about 25 sales. Photography business, I have been doing so good. The only problem with this is I’ve been doubting myself so much and I’ve been dealing with people dropping sessions at the last minute. So on. School, well I love it. I am still doing online courses but as for accepting myself doing this… I’ve been doing very good. I have been thinking a lot about going back next semester. Not completely but as in, commuting from my hometown to San Francisco. I think I am going to try at least one in class session a week. Friends, I still don’t have any. I get this weird feeling as the week gets closer to Friday and Saturday, because those are the days were I get emotional break downs due to the fact that I stay home… all day. I feel like lately I’ve been getting used a lot and I don’t know how to explain it. The overall picture of trying to be a better me is there, it’s just trying to get it down on paper where I am having trouble. Since the day I stopped writing, I have been in the worst situation, mentally, that I have been in since February-March. I think that realistically that is the reason why I have refused myself from writing on my blog. I haven’t been myself lately. I think that I sort of want to close everything around me and just work on myself. On some days I feel so happy, but when I look back I realize that I was just putting up a show.
I will end the blog here. Hopefully I will have the a good mindset to post one of the entries in my drafts. Goodnight, everyone.
Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!
– Dr. Seus