Live In Today

The future.

I have an issue with not being able live in the now. My days consist of, “tomorrow”, “next year”, “later”, etc, but never of “nows”.

The other day I was watching a Youtube video and this girl was talking about the exact same issue I have. She was rambling quite a bit about the topic of not being able to enjoy day by day and I feel like what I took out of that video was probably something she wasn’t trying to express. If you have read my past blogs, specifically the night at the fire station and/or my apartment story you are aware that this year hasn’t been the greatest for me. I think that is why when I watched this Youtube video, I took what she said and placed it into my current situation. My past is a very dark place so I look to the future to motivate me to keep going. I tell myself things like, “When you are 30 years old it won’t matter if you went to a Community College or a state school”, “You’ll eventually overcome anxiety and you can go hiking then”, etc. I comfort myself with thinking about the future, because in my head I can picture a happy ending. I can imagine pot of gold at the end of my rainbow instead of an angry leprechaun. I choose not to live in the now because that means having to fight through the scares that the past has embarked on me. I procrastinate on things like enrolling at a community college because I know that I will get better in the further future and I will be able to go back to a state school. I avoid today. I avoid having to fight today. I avoid myself. I have this belief engraved in my skull that not having to fight through my problems and pushing them aside means that they will disappear. That isn’t the case at all. Even if I choose not to fight my anxiety today and I tell myself I am fine, in a few years it’s going to turn around and bite me in the ass. There won’t be any pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, because the storm won’t be over.

The famous words, Carpe Diem, used to urge someone to make the most of the present time and give little thought to the future, is what I am trying to transform into my motto. I guess with my anxiety and depression I think about the future more than I do about today because it gives me hope. I personally don’t have anybody that motivates me to keep going, so I am in charge of that. I let myself know that today might not be okay, but tomorrow will be. Lately, due to my anxiety, everyday has been a bad day so I look to the future for a wisp of hope.

I have a really big of fear of death and normally at night is when I will get dark thoughts. It causes my anxiety and my body begins to get very stiff. This is the only time that the future has ever scared me. Anything that has to do with death makes me want to run backwards on a clock. But then I get into a more positive mind set and think about how I am barely on hour 2 of my day. I am 19 years old and I still have way to much to live. I should be focusing on whether I want to experiment sleeping with socks on instead of who will be at my funeral.

Don’t think to much about tomorrow because it’s not guaranteed. It’s not worth stressing over something that might now even happen. Live in the now. Focus on your breathing and realize that you still have to breathe in about a million more times before the day ends. Don’t murder yourself with the extra weight of thinking about the future. In my case, I shouldn’t be making plans about my future if I am laying in bed all day with nothing to do. Go out and venture the world, there’s so much to see. Go look under a rock instead of getting your cards read.

There’s a saying that you should probably remember if you are having a hard time living in the moment. It goes like this:

Don’t re-live the past.

Don’t pre-live the future.

Live now

Live everyday as if it were your last. Not tomorrow, or a year from now, but now. Everything will fall into place. The mindset you have right now won’t be the same one that you have in a couple of years so there’s no need to make plans about something that you probably won’t even want to do later.

At the end of the day you aren’t guaranteed a future, your family, your friends, a job, food on the table, etc. The only thing that is certain is right now. This very moment. Embrace it. Venture it. Live it. Right now is all you have.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

– Matthew 6:34

August 7, 2017

Lost. Today has been a day of just going with the flow. You ever have one of those days where you wake up and you have absolutely no plans for the day, but you somehow end up in the middle of nowhere? Yeah, it barely happens to me too, but it was one of those days.

I woke up a lot of times today. The first time was at 7:27am because I thought my registration time was at 7:30am but it turned out it wasn’t until 8:45am. I then set another alarm at 8:44am and quickly registered for my classes. To my luck I wasn’t able to get a Math course because they were all filled up. I talked it out to my therapist and basically made a plan with myself, so what I am about to say might sound a little dumb. I am taking 17 units online, this semester, at San Francisco State University. Next semester I hope to transfer to either a community college or Sacramento State. I don’t want to put a lot of thought into the future because lately that’s where my mindset has been. For all I know I could be dead by next week, but those are my goals as of right now.

I also finished editing the photos from my photoshoot yesterday! I am so happy that it only took me less than 2 days to go through and edit 435 photos. Way to go, Irma. Here are some photos…

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I had another photoshoot today with my cousin Cynthia. I had planned to cancel, just because it was going to be a photoshoot for my own benefit. I was doing it so that I could get more experience with poses, settings on my camera, lighting, exposure, etc. Staying on the same note as photography, my friend Miguel helped me out with teaching me some techniques. Slim, but there.

Way to go, Irma. I had another photoshoot today with my cousin Cynthia. I had planned to cancel, just because it was going to be a photoshoot for my own benefit. I was doing it so that I could get more experience with poses, settings on my camera, lighting, exposure, etc. Staying on the same note as photography, my friend Miguel helped me out with teaching me some techniques. Slim, but there.

I sent out an Etsy order and it was one of the best ones yet. The packaging that I did to go with the orders was so aesthetically pleasing, I really hope I get a good review from these customers. I put a lot of thought and effort into this packaging and I want to continue doing the same with other orders, so let us pray.

I hope everyone had a happy Monday and continues to have a great week.

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong.

– 1 Corinthians 16:13

August 6, 2017

Daily posting, can I get a hallelujah? No.. Okay. HALLELUJAH. I got myself. I came across a tweet the other day that caused me to step back and say, “where did the time go?” Are you ready to hear it? Are you? Okay.

There’s less than 4 months left until this year is over.

My eye is twitching. This has been one of the worst years for me and I am not sure if it has gone so fast because of that reason. Yesterday basically feels like the first day of high school, 2012. Is this just a symptom for aging? Does time go by faster as you get older? So many questions but no answers.

Today is my 4 year 6 month anniversary with my boyfriend. Although some people think it’s tacky and stupid to celebrate month to month anniversaries, I don’t care. That’s probably why we are still together, because we are different than most relationships. I wouldn’t change what I have with my boy for anything.

– Pretend there’s a really smooth transition here –

It’s Sunday and this coming week is going to kick my small ass. I say this every week but let me just give you a small summarization of what I have planned as of today. Knowing life, about 100 things are going to get added on to my schedule. On Monday, I have a photoshoot and I have to send in my Etsy orders. Which I am really hoping I don’t sell anything this week, because I don’t need that stress. Well it really isn’t stress but it will be a barrier to wanting this week to run smoothly. I also have to make sure I enroll into my courses otherwise I can say goodbye to having an education this semester. Tuesday, I have another photoshoot with 2 people as well as a doctors appointment. Normally I don’t like to have any plans on days that I have doctors appointments due to the fact that I get very nervous to meet with my doctor. Anybody else? On Thursday, I might have to make a trip to San Francisco because I have to cancel my lease. My ex-roommate has yet to send me my form and the other girl, Laura is being very irresponsible. I put in a security deposit when I moved in and last time I checked you get a portion of that back when you move out. Of course you only get it back if you didn’t cause any damages and what not but that apartment was empty so I think that won’t be a problem. I don’t think the girls I lived with are going to disburse the security deposit that I paid for to me, which makes me quite angry. The 6 months that I lived in that apartment I was practically a maid. I plan on calling the office and reading over the forms when either one of the girls decides to grow up and e-mail me the form. On Friday I have another photoshoot for a party so that will be an all day thing. On top all of this I plan on going on morning walks and late night runs. I have decided to start working out and get healthy. Exercise will help decrease my anxiety and right now I just want to be on track to a better lifestyle. I also have to edit photos from the photoshoot I had today, the one I am having tomorrow, and the one I will be having on Tuesday.

It will be a hectic week but I am ready to not be home. I have been spending a lot of time locked away in my bedroom and it’s nice and everything but I need to get out. I miss being able to connect with nature and feeling the sun on my skin. I miss hiking and adventures that almost kill me. I want it back. I will get it back. This fall I am going to strive to be the best I can be. But, let me just worry about today and tomorrow for now. Today, I am going to finish my glass of water and end my night editing photos. Tomorrow, now will see about that if God gives me grace to live another day. May he do so, because I have a lot to get done.

Have a great week everyone!

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

– Colossians 3:13

Alcohol

I am 19 years old and I have never consumed alcohol.

I have been into the hospital multiple times as well as to doctors appointments and every time I get asked the question, “Do you drink alcohol?” and every time I answer “no” they give me a look. You know the look? Probably not. Well it’s the same look your parents give you when they know you’re lying and/or hiding something. That look normally gets followed with a “I understand you are under age but do not be afraid to let us know if you have consumed alcohol in the past 24 hours. You aren’t in any trouble.” I go through this a lot. The look that I get from doctors is something that I ma used to. I am a 19 year old female who is on her second year of college and I have never drank alcohol? Yeah, I get it. It’s hard to believe it.

I don’t have any problem with anybody that drinks. It’s really non of my concern what it is that you decide to put into your body. Truly, if it makes you happy, keep doing what you love. Be safe and don’t let anybody stop you from doing your thing.

There’s really no reason as to why I don’t choose to consume alcohol. Religion and or any beliefs interfere with me not drinking alcohol. Personally if someone offered me some I would take it. I just have never been put into a situation where that has been done. I don’t really go out to parties, mostly because I have no friends. I stay home a lot of the time and even when I was living out in San Francisco, I still stayed sober. I had no friendships strong enough out there, so I never went out. For the most part it was school, work, lonely walks to the beach, grocery runs, etc. I never once went to a party, the craziest night I had out there in San Francisco was being apart of the EπA sorority interest group. Late night rituals around candles at 3am, long emotional talks with strangers, and talking about my unknown future with the sorority girls. Alcohol? Never. In high school, I was never apart of the migration of the social butterflies, I was more of a caterpillar trying to figure out if I wanted to be on drum line or cross country. I spent weekends with my boyfriend or watching Netflix, as I do now.

Alcohol has never really been something that I needed to have fun. I get it that some people love to have it around when they are having a good time, and I don’t judge you or anybody. The only reason I don’t need it to have fun, because I have learned to not have access to it due to my social standing. Oh and because I am not 21.

I always beat myself up because of this little fact. How is it that my 19 year old butt has never consumed alcohol. Irma, really? But you lived in San Francisco. What??? Yeah. I sometimes have dreams of this girl, aka me, being a social butterfly and drinking alcohol. A lot of people think that a big deal breaker for me is telling me that there is going to be alcohol somewhere, but it really isn’t. I make choices based on the surroundings not so much the drinks. I guess that’s where I made my first mistake? I’m not really normal or what society considers “normal” is what I am trying to say. I take on the world from a whole different persona that most people don’t.

I guess at the end of the day it truly does’t matter what it is that I do and don’t put into my body, unless it’s poison then in that case it does matter. I know that nobody cares if I drink or not, but I am the biggest bully to myself. It bothers me that I haven’t been able to take this off my chest so now I am happy that I don’t have to carry this around. I am working on trying not to be so hard on myself, so if you are a constant reader of my blog get ready to hear about some odd facts that I beat myself up with on the daily.

Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit.

– Ephesians 5:18

August 4, 2017

So normally I am used to writing 2016 on the date but I accidentally wrote 2018. I am getting way to ahead of myself. Slow down, Irma. This is my second post of the day and I am so proud of myself. This is what I want for myself. It’s hard to make myself start writing, but once I start there’s no stopping me.

Since I didn’t really write daily entries this week I am going to be talking about varies days that is probably going to seem like one. But if you aren’t new to my blog, then you are completely aware that my blog entries are always all over the place. So here we go…

On Tuesday I had therapy. Well, it was called Behavioral Management, but it’s therapy. It was different. Very different than what I expected it to be. I sort of had this picture in my head based on movies and shows I had watched. I was greeted by a very energetic women, who identified herself as a social worker. She walked me into a rather small room that contained 4 chairs, a desk, and a bookshelf that was filled with toys. I instantly knew that it wasn’t going to be as bad as I thought. We talked about my anxiety and every so often she would stop and ask me if I was okay and if I wanted a glass of water. That in itself was very soothing, because she was going at a slow pace. It wasn’t just a “jump in the water and let your body get naturally used to it” but rather a dip your toes in. It was weird being able to talk to someone else, rather more a complete stranger, about my problems. The only person I ever talk to is my boyfriend because unfortunately I don’t have anybody else to unload my problems on. Well, wrong, I have this blog and all of my readers, but you know what I mean.

I can’t stop thinking about the future. Do I even have one? I’ve been really depressed lately and I am really trying to push through it. I feel like I am getting through it, but another part of me feels like I am ignoring it which is why it is perceived that I am doing good. I am pushing my problems to the side and telling myself I’ll worry about it tomorrow and simply taking hour long naps. I have no contact with the world whatsoever and that is frightening. I am a big lover of trees and the sun, but I can’t find myself to make contact with it. I love the ocean and hiking, but I am afraid of the drive towards these destination. Fear is keeping me away from everyone and everything. I won’t give up, but I want to.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

– Matthew 6:34

Anxiety: A War

It’s dark. My body is warm. There is no visible movement in the bedroom except for my roaming thoughts. Is my family still proud of me? Am I better off dead? Am I wasting more money than I am actually making on Etsy? Should I eat today? Did I take my medication? Am I pregnant? Who would miss me if I disappeared? Why are you so ugly?  Theres’s a sudden knock, it’s anxiety. She’s on the “do not open under any circumstance” list. She still managed to break in. The bitch has no manners. She attacks unexpectedly. Well not so unexpectedly, she’s known for damaging people. She’s known for hurting me. Every inch of my body is now ice cold. I am shaking. I can’t breathe. I begin to find myself on a boat in the ocean of my own tears. The only issue is that I am not in control. She is. We’ve tipped over multiple times now. Depression sneaked up on me. He was swimming around in my tears, when he smelled anxiety. He has a hold of my head. I thought he didn’t exist anymore. I thought he was extinct. I’m screaming for help, but my mouth isn’t moving. Why isn’t anybody helping? I’m in the darkness. I’m drowning. “HELP?!”

It’s done. My gears have been shifted. This is no longer Irma. My attitude? My sense of humor? My sarcasm? My hatred? My passion? My motivations? My smile? Wrong. Anxiety’s attitude. Anxiety’s sense of humor. Anxiety’s lack of sarcasm. Anxiety’s raving hatred. Anxiety’s passion. Anxiety’s cruel motivations. Anxiety’s frown. This is her body. She is feeding off of my thoughts. If you see here on the streets, give her a piece of your mind. She hates that. I love that.

I’m slowly killing her with Sertraline. I’m will gain back all control. Going to the movies at 9am on a Tuesday? Sure. Driving to Davis at 8pm alone? Why not? Staying home alone at 2am? Fuck it, I can do it. I’m in control. I put locks on my door. I have body guards at each of my sides. Fuck you anxiety. You can play with my head all you want, but there’s something I have that you don’t. A heart. It beats every hour, every second, every minute, every millisecond… FOR ME. She has my back. She has shown me every reason to make you extinct. My family. My boyfriend. My friends. My dog. My neighbor. The stranger walking down the street who always greets me. And for someone who never comes to my mind. Me. This is a battle I am going to fight for myself. She deserves it. She’s been forced to walk through hell holding anxiety’s hand. It nearly killed me. She messed with the wrong girl. She forgot about my heart. She forgot that because of my heart, I feel. So it’s go time. You want a fight, bring it.

No more being afraid of the dark.

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Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

– Proverbs 4:23

August 1, 2017

I haven’t wrote on my blog in a while and I don’t get why. This is so therapeutic, but for some reason I prefer to watch Youtube or Netflix late at night. I am going to try and be more smart with my decisions.

I’ve been so much lately and although I am so proud of everything that I am accomplishing, I’m worried. My Etsy shop is doing so good as well as my photography, which I want to say that I am so thankful for. These things have kept me busy as well as helped me reach milestones against my anxiety. The reason I am worried is that I am trying to handle a lot of things at once, as well as putting myself in situations that aren’t really in my comfort zone. Photography wise, I am doing photoshoots with strangers and/or with people I normally don’t talk to. Which, I understand is absolutely great and is normal to have this type of communication for any job. The thing is I am trying to overcome my anxiety slowly that I can get rid of it forever. It all goes back to being unorganized, because I would love to be able to do one photoshoot a month with a complete stranger so that my health can understand that social anxiety is all in my head. Instead I am doing 2-3 a month. Not complaining, I am blessed. Now with my Etsy shop, I am getting so many orders and it’s just me. If you have looked at my shop you probably notice that I create designs on shirts therefore it’s a lot of work. Once again, not complaining, just venting. I want to hire someone to help me out, they would get paid of course, but I am worried about being judged. I have built this shop/photography side job from nothing and it was made to keep myself out of my head.

Starting tomorrow, I will be getting on a new rollercoaster that I call therapy.  I have a behavioral appointment which will help place me with the perfect therapist. It’s time I start taking larger steps towards my milestones. I accidentally showed up today, thinking it was the 2nd since it’s the second day of the week. It was quite embarrassing, but it allowed me to have a positive outlook to my morning.

I will be writing a lot more and it won’t be just daily entries, but topics that I’ve been wanting to Screen Shot 2017-08-01 at 11.57.50 PMstate my opinion on. I have 74 writing topics sitting in my drafts that I am so insecure to publish. Some of them aren’t finished because I’m afraid to speak my opinion to the public.

To those who have been reading my blog every time I post or every once in a while, thank you so much. Thank you for allowing me to voice about my life and opinions. I started this blog off unknown/anonymous, and then I realized I had nothing to hide or be ashamed of. We all have our rainy days and allowing those to see that there is an actual person behind the computer screen is comforting. Before I started my blog I used to read this girls daily entries on her Tumblr page. She was anonymous, but she would talk about some really dark topics. I remember reading the comments on her post and seeing a lot of people thanking her for talking about things that we as humans are afraid of talking about. We live in a society where we walk over the fact that people are suicidal or that sometimes we lock ourself in our bedrooms and cry. We avoid our feelings even though we all have them. I will never understand why some people are afraid to let others know that they hurt. It doesn’t show weakness, it shows reality. I began posting my blog links on Twitter and instantly I felt better about myself. My stats went up and WordPress showed me that people from Twitter were clicking on my blog. I would sometimes get thrown into group chats by some guys in high school who would tell me a lot of things about my blog. I won’t use the word “hate” because at the end of the day I know that at one point in their lives they felt what I felt. Sad, unloved, scared, worried, etc. For all I know they could be the ones that are actively reading this blog, so heres to those boys. May God keep blessing your lives and also to everyone else. Once again, thank you so much for reading.

 

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

– Hebrews 11:1