June 21, 2017

My mom bought a swimming pool yesterday because for starters it is so damn hot in California. It feels like we are slowly heading towards the Sun at a boiling pace, whatever that means. The second reason being is we are throwing my dad a surprise birthday party in July. The kind of party that involves loud music, family you didn’t know existed, taquero, a piñata, and of course cake being shoved in peoples faces. The big Mexican fiesta. So it has been nice being able to soak in the sun rays while absorbing some fresh water. Don’t even get me started on that water bill because your girl is also dying at that. So today I invited my boyfriend and his siblings to come swimming and it was quite fun. We ended up putting our dogs in, which they weren’t so happy about, but we obviously were.

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On a different note that doesn’t involve my day in physical form, let’s talk about my thoughts and feelings. Such a beautiful thing to let go of on a blog.

It always amazes me how after a while of not posting my “stats” show that a lot of people are reading my old posts. Something about that makes me so happy and my heart feels whole. Whether people are just skimming or actually reading the whole blog post, I want to say thank you. This year I have had so many conversations with people about my blog posts, specifically my anxiety stories. It makes me feel very accomplished when people reach out to me. At the same time I have also had people make fun of me for writing about bizzare things on here. One of the blog posts I wrote I talked about my housemate and she wasn’t the happiest person when she came across my blog post. But the thing is, what about my feelings? What about how I felt? Paying a over $800 for rent and utilites, as well as purchasing food DAILY, because they were all to disgusting to keep the apartment clean so the ants got to it. Tell me why i’m not entitled to talk about my feelings and the huge impact on my life? People live in abusive homes and I lived in a rodent and bug infested house hold where everyone hated each other. So I am going to put my 2 cents on the table and just walk away.

On the same note of feeling a little bashed on what it is that I am choosing to do with my life I want to talk about my Etsy shop. I am unable to work due to my anxiety and it’s not me being over dramatic. I understand that a lot of people struggle with anxiety and work perfectly fine, but I am not used to this. This reffering to anxiety. This is a whole different lifestyle for me that is taking way to long for me to get used to, and I don’t want to have to sit around and mourn about it. Especially now that I am back with my parents, I don’t want to be asking for money. Which is why you will never find me with empty pockets or asking my parents for even a quarter. It’s not even that I don’t want to ask but because I love that satisfying feeling of being able to get money deposited into my bank account, knowing that I worked for it. So don’t come at me with jokes about my tie-dye shirts or my patched hats. This is my thing. You work at a fast food restaurant and God knows all the jokes I can make about that. First one being, you have a boss. But I won’t because if it allows you to make your own money and for it to teach you about being hardworking, than my lips are sealed. As should yours. In the past month I’ve made a little over $100, which isn’t a lot but I am barely getting the hang of Etsy. What people want to buy, prices, quantities, writing descriptions, interacting with customers, taking inventory and advertising. I am still pretty new at it. But it’s a small accomplishment that I am quite proud of.

Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else.

– Galatians 6:4

How to get through Anxiety

1. Acceptance. Accepting the fact that you are having anxiety.

2. Communication. Telling yourself, “It’s just an anxiety attack, you are okay.”

3. Cry. From my own personal experiences I have learned that crying helps take a lot of tension from my brain. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but I my thoughts shift quite a bit when I allow myself to cry. After doing #1 and #2, I allow myself to cry and continuously tell myself I am okay.

4. Seeking Help. Telling yourself that you can get help to your door in a matter of minutes if you need it. Whether it’s a friend or a family member that you know can hold you and be there for you. In many cases, from personal experience, friends and family are either unavailable or nonexistent. In that case you always have the alternative to call 911. Don’t be afraid to do it, seriously. That is what they are here for. Although, they aren’t of much help, in terms of medication, they do fill that gap of loneliness. They are paid to help you. Even if you don’t need to be taken to the E.R, you can still call them.

5. Sleep. This is a very difficult thing to do, but it works sometimes. Anxiety is all brain stuff so it gets very tiring when your constantly thinking about your fears. Breathe, lay down in a place where you are comfortable sleeping, close your eyes, and dream. Dream about the ocean, or whatever makes you happy. Although this isn’t a long term solution, sometimes you just don’t want to deal with anxiety. Close your eyes and let your dreams take over.

6. Breathe. When you have an anxiety attack your breathing tends to either get really heavy or really slow. In many cases, such as in my experience, you can hyperventilate. When you don’t breathe correctly you will experience a “clam up”, also known as cramping in your hands and legs. It hurts pretty badly, so breathe. During an anxiety attack, calming yourself down becomes one of the most difficult duties you’ve ever done.  You are freaking out and most of the time you are just trying to figure out why. Try to steer your mind away, which is very difficult, but you can do it, and breath. Get your timer out. Breathe in 7 seconds. Hold for 8 seconds. Breathe out for 7 seconds. Do this until you feel a little more calm.

7. Sounds. Soothe your body with the sound of music or even with the sound of the ocean. Personally, I love the sound of rain falling, it’s very soothing. While trying to do #6 you can allow your body to calm its self with some mellow sounds.

8. Thinking. Stop thinking. I know, I know. How does one stop thinking during an anxiety attack? It’s one of the most hardest things, and honestly it can sometimes make things worse. But while you are doing #6 and #7 talk to yourself. Tell yourself things that will replace those thoughts of fear. Remind yourself about good times. Or as you listen to sounds of the ocean, think about how you are walking down the beach on a hot summer day. Control your thinking. Remember, it’s your brain and your thoughts. The only person in control is you. It’s your body, not anxiety’s. You can do it.

9. Isolation. If you are at a party, social gathering or basically any place where there are people, excuse yourself. Isolate yourself and give your mind a minute. Breathe. If you struggle with social anxiety you might find yourself not feeling comfortable around a lot of people. Give yourself a minute. If you want to try and overcome that anxiety allow yourself to stay where you are. Think, what is it that is triggering this anxiety? Is it the noise? The amount of people? The room is to small and feels like you can’t get to an exit? Calm yourself down. Sit or stand next to an exit if that makes you feel comfortable. Personally, sitting next to an exit helps ease my anxiety so much. Whether it’s in lecture hall, a restaurant, or a social gathering.

10.Happy Place. Go to your happy place if you are feeling way to overwhelmed with your anxiety. If your happy place is the park or your bedroom, go to that place. Sometimes your place might not even be a place but rather a person or an activity. Whatever the case is, go to what makes you happy. Whether it’s your mother, boyfriend, or the breeze of going on a long run, do it. If your happy place is unavailable and/or not reachable close your eyes and picture your happy place. If you are at the mall and your happy place is your room, let yourself know you will be there soon. Even if it’s not true just tell your brain that. “You’ll be home in 5 minutes.” Sometimes when I’m at a drive thru I get really bad anxiety and I let myself know that I can leave if I want. Our brain has a way of making us feel like we are trapped and won’t ever be able to go to our happy place. That’s not the case. You can leave wherever it is that you are whenever you want.

11. Distractions. BIG ONE RIGHT HERE. I personally wake up every morning with extreme anxiety and sometimes walking outside to water the plants or even going to the kitchen to cook helps distract your mind. If you like to run or go to the gym, the perfect time to do it is when you are having an anxiety attack. It sounds a little crazy, but trust me. Use it as a method of adrenaline and a way to motivate you to overcome anxiety. Distract your brain. During anxiety attacks your brain is only focusing on your fears and weaknesses. Let your brain know that you need to focus on how crooked the rug is, or how many loads of laundry you want to do today or how many sets of dead lifts you should do or how many goldfish you can fit in your mouth all at once. Distract yourself. Be there for yourself. Attack your brain with positive distractions.

12. Freak out. This might be the worst one on here but sometimes you just need to let it happen. Let your anxiety do its job and you’ll realize that (excuse my language..) this bitch is only here to waste your time. If you let your anxiety do its thing you will come to the realization that, you’re going to be fine. In that very moment you might want to make a deal with the devil, but

13. Pets. If you are allergic to pets disregard this, but if you aren’t this one might be your solution. Get yourself a pet. If you aren’t allowed to have pets in your house hold look into a service animals (click here) . I can not express how much animals help ease your anxiety. There presence helps fill the gap that you might be feeling when you are alone, they are great companions. When you are having an anxiety attack that will be absolutely clueless and just want to play with you. Going back to #11, they are great for distracting you. Such a cute puppy dog face is not so easy to say “no” to. Unless you are a bad owner, they insist on being taken outside. A simple walk to the park or even sitting outside on your front lawn playing with your dog is a step closer to easing your anxiety. Pets are great support for those who suffer with mental illnesses, also known as the unseeable. (Click here)

14. Tea. Chamomile with Lavender tea is the all mighty of anxiety remedies. Not only that but the smell is so calming. When drinking this you also have to an accepting mentality that it’s working. Be positive. Nothing much but drink it and let the warmth of the drink and the smell of the lavender sooth every inch of your body.

15. Yoga. Every time I go in to my monthly doctor visits, I always get recommended yoga. It helps with your breathing and keeps you calm. I guess I shouldn’t call this yoga, but rather stretches. There are some specific positions that will help remove tension from your body and make you feel good. I recommend you get a yoga mat, blanket, or even do it on the floor and do it outside. I mention going outside a lot because it is so soothing. While doing these positions focus on a positive mentality. Repeat step #1 and step #2. This is an article on some good yoga positions for anxiety, click here. Here are some of my favorite positions:

  • Downward Dog. This yoga position is so mentally pleasing. You are curled up and you simply become one with your body.
  • Cat Pose. This one is perfect to help with your breathing. You lift your spine up when you inhale and you bring it down when you exhale.

16. Medication. Not everyone is on medication, but if you are take your medications. In my case, I only take mine once a day at 8pm and that’s about it. There are some other over the counter medications that work magic. I am personally not a fan of having to take pills, but anxiety has a mind of its own. If none of these other steps help you, talk to your doctor and DO YOUR RESEARCH on the following over the counter medication:

  • Natrol Stress Anxiety Day and Nite Formula

17. Go outside. It is well known that taking a walk for at least 30 minutes a day will help ease your anxiety. Connect yourself with the sound of nature. I personally like to lay in my backyard and listen to the bird chirp and on windy days I love the sound of leaves brushing against each other. Go on a hike. Walk to the park. Watch the clouds move across the sky. Breathe in some good ol’d oxygen (while we still have it). More on how nature eases anxiety read this article: click here.

18. Make yourself comfortable. This is a weird one, so let me explain. Having your hair down during an anxiety attack is very frustrating. I don’t know if it’s because you become a little more aware of your body or what. As well as being to cold or to hot. The heat is a big trigger for anxiety attacks, but personally, my anxiety gets triggered with the coldness. So put on some sweaters or take off some clothes. If you are laying in bed and you feel to crowed in your room, go outside. If you are at a party with to many people, either leave or go to a part where there are fewer people (take a friend and/or stay safe). Point is get comfortable and you’ll find that it will help you quite a bit.. Going back to #9  and #10, if making yourself comfortable requires going to your happy place or isolating yourself, do it. It doesn’t matter if you inconvenience anybody, because they can’t see what’s going up in your brain.

19. Don’t be afraid. Going back and being a little more specific on #7, stop thinking about your anxiety attack. Theres a huge possibility that you are getting an anxiety attack because you are thinking about having one. I do that all the time, sometimes I even tell myself, “you’re going to have an anxiety attack at 3am when your dad leaves to work.” You are triggering yourself. Don’t.

20. End. Finally, realizing that with every beginning there is an end. I know that it might feel like you are going to die because of how much fear you are putting yourself through, but you aren’t. It’s all in your head, and that’s not on you. Whether you believe in God or not, things happen to us for a reason. Our strengths are tested and sometimes it might feel like the world is on your shoulders. But you have to realize that it’s just a rainy day there will soon be a rainbow. Whether it takes 2 hours or 2 years, there will be an end. I personally hate being told this, but it’s true, YOU AREN’T ALONE. So many people go through anxiety on a daily basis. Some people choose to fight it as should you. It might feel like the end of the world when your heart is racing, but it’s not. You are strong. You are beautiful. You are not anxiety. It’s time you take your mind back, baby.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

– Isaiah 43:2

June 14, 2017

Last night I was in no mood to write a blog post for some reason. It could be that we had just picked up my brother and mother at the airport and I was feeling really tired. I am not sure. Yesterday was like any other day, to be honest. My day started at 4am when I had my boyfriend come to my house because of my anxiety. Again. I owe this boy so much and I hope the universe and God repay him with good karma. Anyways nothing much to my day besides that. Oh and I did a little splurge shopping. I guess I was feel really conscious and I told myself, “You can’t have anxiety and be conscious. That’s not how it works. There’s way to many things wrong with you, so the least you can do is feel beautiful.” So I bought myself 4 bikini’s; 2 one-pieces and 2 two-pieces, as well as some crop tops and glasses.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my spare time and my image. It’s time I stop spending so much time in my room and venture the world. Even if it’s just a walk to the park. I really just need to stop giving into my anxiety. I decided not to take summer classes and just allow myself some breathing room. You know, to figure some stuff out. I mean my little Etsy shop has been doing really good. I love always having money in my bank account and not having to ask my parents for any money. I mean I moved back home, I am already such a burden. Besides that, the money isn’t really what makes me excited about my Etsy shop. Rather, having something to do on most days; shipping items, talking to buyers, uploading on my Etsy. There small things that require me to spend a lot of time on my computer but I like it. I thank God for allowing me to find a small hobby.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what it is that I want to pursue a career in. I’ve really been getting into videography and editing. I’m not the best but I find editing videos so much funner than editing photos. Being able to make video your own with special effects and motions, is awesome. So I am going to try and get more into that and uploading them on either my Twitter or my Youtube.

I also have been wanting to upgrade my WordPress so that I’m able to post videos on here, but like $100 is to much for your girl. I started saving my lose change and the money will be going to upgrading my blog. A really big goal of mine is to be able to get monetized and grow my blog, but in order to do that I need to get myself together. I love writing so much and posting on here. Social media is such a great way to build your own platform and make an image for yourself. I feel like that’s something that I need to learn to handle if I want publish a book and be a public speaker, my biggest goals in life. Getting connections and allowing people to get to know you and who you are so they can potentially buy your book and/or know you made a book.

But for now I will continue to eat my strawberries and write daily blog entries as I watch my puppy nap. Have a blessed night.

But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.

– Chronicles 15:7

June 12, 2017

So much happened today. I cannot wait to look back on this blog post and laugh at all these series of events. Especially how the condom broke! Here we go.

At 4am I woke up and realized that my dad hadn’t came in to my room to say goodbye to me. He usually wakes me up and gives me a goodbye kiss but I didn’t remember if he did. The time on my phone said 4am, so I assumed that my dad was still here and tried going back to sleep. Something in my gut kept saying, “Irma go check.” So I listened to it and I saw that the door to my dads room was closed. He was still here? I walked into the kitchen and saw that his lunch box was no longer there. He had left to work. I walked into his room and he was gone. I was still calm. I could still go about my day. I walked into my room, laid down next to my dog and closed my eyes. Everything was fine. Out of the nowhere my heart starts to beat really fast and my chest gets really tight. I was having an anxiety attack. I texted my boyfriend 7-8 times and called him once. He didn’t reply. My overdramatic thoughts during my anxiety attack was “I am going to die. I need to get out of here.” At this point I was breathing really heavily and my left hand began to cramp. I was hyperventilating. My boyfriend texted me back. I asked him if he could come over, and he did. He showed up at my house with a big warm hug. He stayed by my side until 3pm. God bless his soul and his mother for raising such a heart warming man.

I checked my grades today. I just ripped the band-aid off. I received 3 W’s, 1 D, and 1 B. Giving me a 1.9 GPA and putting me on probation. For everything I have gone through I am pretty darn proud of at least getting college credit for 2 courses. On that same note of college, I decided not to take summer classes. I am incapable of sitting in a classroom so I am just going to give myself time to breathe this Summer break. To go out and adventure everything that life has to give me. To try and find myself, which is roughly buried in a huge pile of anxiety. I am going to bloom.

The condom broke today. No suspense, no climax, straight up. I lost my shit for half a minute because that has never happened to me. I heard a small pop but theres usually weird noises when you have sex. I told my boyfriend, ” I think it ripped,” and he said “no I would’ve felt it.” I ignored it and so did my boyfriend and we kept at it for a good 3-4 minutes. Until he got up and pulled up his shirt and saw that it had popped. I had a small panic attack and my boyfriend just held me. I am on birth control so I wasn’t to scared especially since there was hardly any excess in the condom. We still decided to go get some Plan B, to be sure that nothing happens. By nothing I mean a small little Irma pops out of me in 9 months. We went to Target and they were out. We went to 1 of 3 Walmarts and they were out. We went to 2 of 3 Walmarts and they had two left. Buying this has to be the most embarrassing and awkwardest thing ever. This is my second time purchasing this $50 pill, which I am well aware you can get for free at the Teen Clinic if I were to lie about my age. The first time I ever purchased it was the first time I had sex, because I was paranoid which was very stupid of me. I didn’t get my period for 3 months and I had a full on panic attack at my brothers soccer game because I had nausea. SO GOD BLESS ME. With all of these being said and done I want to give some advice to anybody who is sexually active and/or wants to be. My boyfriend and I have had the talk about what would happen if something were to slip. We’ve had this talk many times. I am all for pro-choice and don’t judge anybody who has abortions. But for me personally I don’t have the ability or strength to have one. I am 19 years old but if this is in God’s plan for me then so be it. Although, I really do hope it’s not because after seeing my GPA today I still have a lot to learn, focus on, achieve, and stress about.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
– Proverbs 3:5-6

June 11, 2017

Every time I get around to writing a daily blog post I sit back and have a flashback of my day. From waking up to walking outside so my dog can pee to eating breakfast to going to bed.

Waking up this morning was the most dreadful thing I had to put myself through. I was somehow glued to my bed and I couldn’t find the strength to get up. Especially since my dog was laying on top of me snoring. I mean, if a 3 month old puppy is still sleeping, why can’t I? I ended up not going to church and not getting breakfast at El Charro with my dad, because I chose sleep. Which I should say I feel so awful about. Anyways, I did end up going to the flea market which was quite.. boring. We showed up, walked around, got; apples, mangoes, peaches, and chips, and then left. Needless to say, it was a useless trip, but my dad and I bonded. Oh and I got to see my old neighbor, Dona Tere. She is basically family and her son, Antonio, is practically my brother.

Throughout my whole day I’ve had my mind on one thing. Tomorrow. I am going to be alone from 3am to 6pm. I am so scared. I already know what the routine of order my anxiety is going to be. I really hope I end up being okay. It’s only 2 days. God, it’s days like these where I wish I had someone besides my boyfriend and family. But I have such a hard time reaching out for help because I don’t like coming off as weak. Having gone through depression, moving back home, and the visits to the hospital, weakness does not look good on me. I mean hospital gowns, the smell of doctor and death, the iv, the coldness, and crying is just not my thing. I am more of a smiley, sarcastic, nature loving, can’t stop talking typa gal. Right?

A girl that I went to high school with reached out to me about her anxiety. She mentioned something about her “safe place” and how she feels like she doesn’t have one. It got me thinking a lot about mine. Sometimes when I am left alone in my house I feel as if my house grows. I can feel how huge every room is and how thin the walls are. I almost feel invaded as if people are watching me. That sounds a little cucu but I mean it in a way that doesn’t. I sometimes think that if something were to happen to me it would take way to long for me to make it out there door, but at the same time I don’t want to leave my house because I feel like everyone is constantly judging me. Reality is I live in an average size house and my street is constantly lonely. If I were to walk out my house door, there is a huge chance that nobody is going to be standing there judging me. It’s all in my head and I know that but when I am having an anxiety attack, I don’t know anything. I go blank. I always thought my house was my safe place because whenever I go out and have anxiety I just want to go home. Home, home, home! But now that my mom has left to Mexico it makes me realize that it’s not so much the home but rather the people in it. My family and boyfriend are my safe place.

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness.

–  Proverbs 31:25-26

June 10, 2017

I have really come to appreciate writing in this blog. It is so mind refreshing and calming to be able to put everything out there. Nothing goes unsaid.

Anyways, I DID IT. I just want to say that I DID IT. I got through my first night and my first day without my mom since my anxiety has impacted my life. Although it wasn’t such a great night, I am so blessed to say I got through the day. I woke up with my dog puking so I had to put him up on my bed. If you have been reading my blog entries since January, you know my fear against throw up. I didn’t think much of my dogs throw up affecting me, since I could see that it was mostly dog food and milk. He then threw up on my bed and it sort of got to me, but I sort of just brushed it off. I eventually fell back asleep and then I re-woke up at around 4am with a lot of nausea. My worst nightmare. I tried to calm myself down, because I tend to over-scare myself when I get nauseated. I had an anxiety attack, but I managed to calm myself down with slow heavy breathing.

My dad ended up not working today putting off my whole schedule for today. We were suppose to go to Oxnard, Ca (near Santa Barbara) to visit my great aunt for her birthday. But I decided that maybe it wasn’t the best idea for me to be putting up with a lot of change for this weekend.Especially since my dad was planning on staying out there until Sunday. I definitely saved myself from something. I ended up going mini golfing with my boyfriend and his brother to Scandia. It was quite fun. Funny storyIMG_5282 actually, a lady and her kid thought we stole their golf ball. We were at a hole and my boyfriends brothers ball got stuck inside one of the secret traps, so I decided I would throw mine in there so that his would come out. It didn’t, mine ended up getting in there as well. So my boyfriend went and got us all new balls, but while he was gone the lady arrived at the hole we were at. She told her son/grandson to wait for us to finish and we continued to tell her that we weren’t playing because the thing had “ate” our balls. When my boyfriend got back we decided to skip that hole and continue on to the next. The lady had already shot her balls into the little trap and we were walking away. I had a blue ball which is the color ball that the women’s son had lost. She asked my boyfriend and I if we grabbed the blue ball that was right FullSizeRenderthere. I said no and continued to play on to the next hole. I knew exactly where her ball was… it was stuck in the hole. I didn’t want to bother to explain to her just because I had already tried earlier and if she didn’t understand then she most certainly wasn’t going to understand now. We continued and they kept giving us the stink eye and staring at us. It was fine, because I knew I didn’t do anything wrong. There was no need to be negative or to start something unnecessary.

My brother has been sending me quite a few pictures of Mexico, and it has been calming me down. I am glad I didn’t force my mom to stay. It is such a great feeling to know that she is having a great time with her family. I hope that the next 3 days are as good as today and I can stay positive. There’s nothing to worry about, but I always manage to find something shoved up in my thoughts.

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

– Thessalonians 5:11